Author Archives: Jason

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Truth

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“Your son will never lie to you.  But do not believe a word he says.”

Let it sink in…

I had the same thoughts you have right now when my son’s therapist told me this.  But you need some context.  My son was seven at the time and what he told my therapist and me about some events did not seem believable.  Later, she reminded me he was sharing his perceptions of events, and even though his words gave rise to concern, I should take them with a grain of salt.

He told me the truth, but his truth and reality may not completely align.

He had no motivation to deceive me, but his ability to understand and interpret the actions and words of adults confused him and his reality may not precisely reflect what was said and done.

Enough psychobabble.  On to what you and I face every day.

Photo Credit: Lucky1988 via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Lucky1988 via Compfight cc

Kids take words quite literally.  It is all fun and games when we tell them the moon is made of cheese, but altogether different when the “parent” hat is on with serious matters to discuss.

I never want my son to question my intentions or actions.  I want clarity and want him to feel comfortable asking for clarification if he does not understand.

That only comes when your home has a culture of truth.  I am all for blaming the dog for a fart, but, again, on serious matters, our kids need us to be honest.

Some of the ways I foster a culture of honesty and truth are:

Saying “I don’t know” when I don’t know.  We do not have all the answers and our kids need to know it.  Whether we do not know the math equation to find the volume of a box or do not know why or how to explain the actions of our exes, we have the freedom to say “I don’t know.”  We cannot stop there.  We can empower our kids to explore and figure out math equations.  We can also give our kids some insight to being a normal person who may not understand the actions or words of another – to rest in the tension that we will not always be able to figure out why friends and family do things.  Why a best friend would say something hurtful.  Why a sibling would lash out and call them names.  We may not always know the answer, but we can control our response and reaction.

Invite clarification.  Ask your kids to repeat to you what they think you said – especially when discussing difficult issues.  Get yourself and teach them to seek clarity so communication becomes clear and confusion disappears.  This discipline can help everyone at home, school, work, and life.

Affirm the value of their words.  My son comes up with some pretty fantastical stuff.  He saw a rattlesnake while hiking.  He saw a Great White shark when kayaking in San Diego Bay.  Someone stepped on his face with their cleat during flag football.  Instead of deflating their stories we should engage, seek clarification, and help them navigate the awesome world of childhood imagination and play.  We can gently push them toward truth and remind them of the story of the boy who cried wolf.  But we can also let them be kids and remember their perceptions of reality may differ from ours depending on their age and development.

Be honest.  This should go without saying.  You and I have already discovered how closely our kids listen and how much they remember.  If we deceive our kids, they will learn from us and do the same.  I remember when my son just turned nine and he asked me about Santa like he had done in years past.  But this time was different.  His demeanor, his tone, and his eyes told me it was time to let him know the truth.  He also asked me about his mom and my divorce.  To this day, I tell him the truth – all he needs to know is that his mom and I love him and the divorce was not his fault.  It does not answer the question he wants answered, but it is honest.

What is the most awesome/funny make believe story your kids have told?

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Talk

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“Hi, son!  How was your day?”

“Fine.”

“What happened at school?”

“Nothing.”

“Anything happen you would like to talk about?”

“No.”

Sound like a familiar conversation when you pick your kid up?

For our purposes, we will acknowledge conversation between father and child benefits both the father and child.  We will acknowledge the importance of verbal communication for the development of our kids from a social and emotional standpoint.

Photo Credit: Alkavare via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Alkavare via Compfight cc

If you have had experiences like the one I shared above, we need to move beyond the “why” and get to the “how”.

OBSERVE:  When do you like to talk to others and when do you like to be left alone?  Do you want peace and quiet before breakfast?  Until you get to work?  Do you need some time to decompress after a long day and collect your thoughts without engaging in conversation?  Well, our kids have similar preferences.  Learn yours and learn theirs.  Use that information to determine the best time to engage in meaningful conversation.  Many kids do not want to talk about their day at school immediately after leaving, and instead would like to listen to music or shoot some hoops – not a good time to actively engage.  Instead, figure out when they are most open.  For many, it is at bedtime (see my post about bedtime rituals for some thoughts on this).

ASK QUESTIONS:  Would you rather get a lecture or engage in a dialogue?  Often, we equate talking to our kids with telling our kids what we think.  Instead, observe which questions pique their interest and elicit a response more than a simple “yes” or “no”.  Sometime our kids need to hear from us in the lecture format, but talking to them involves a two-way dialogue.  Properly worded questions can sometimes teach more than any droning lecture because they encourage our kids to think about choices and the reasons behind them.

INVITE QUESTIONS:  We used to have a time before bed where I told my son he could ask me any question he wanted with the promise I would give an honest answer.  When he would ask about the divorce, I honestly told him it was not appropriate for me to discuss and went right into my “broken record” explanation.  When he would ask a question about an aspect of science I did not know, I told him I would do some research and get back to him. Sometimes he had no questions and sometimes I knew the answer.  Encouraging our kids to ask questions seems to make them more comfortable with talking – at least it did with my son.

LISTEN:  In those moments you want to really talk to your kids and connect, give them your attention when they talk.  Let the phone keep ringing.  Do not check your text messages like Pavlov’s dog when the alert sounds.  Turn off the television.  Engage in eye contact and repeat what they said to you so they know you listened and understood.  If our kids sense we do not pay attention to them, why would they talk?

DO SOMETHING ACTIVE WHILE YOU TALK:  Throwing a football, going for a walk, or swinging at the park can be great ways (especially with boys) to connect and converse.  They still have your attention, but there is just something about walking and talking….

Because we regularly play the role of dad and mom, we need to redouble our efforts to connect with our kids in conversation.  They need to express feelings and ask questions, but they may not if the foundations of regular communication do not exist.

My son has recently shared some concerns with me on his own, with no prompting and seemingly out of the blue.  I have told him how appreciative I am he asked me and thanked him for trusting me with something bugging him.  I do not believe he would have asked had we not developed our communication skills.

Having said that, I still get “fine” and “no” when I pick him up from school.  And then he turns on the radio.

When do you find your kids most willing to have a good conversation?

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Train

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Growing up, my dad trained Brittany Spaniels.  We used them for hunting quail and he competed with them in AKC field trials.  Over the years, we ended up with several national champions and I have rich memories of spending weeks each summer in the White Mountains of Arizona for the trials and countless quail hunting trips.

Photo Credit: vishnubhagat123 via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: vishnubhagat123 via Compfight cc

Young bird dogs go through a time of “breaking” where they learn to stay still when a bird flushes from a bush.  As you can imagine, when a bird takes flight, the dog would really like to chase it and catch it.  However, the handler wants the dog to stand still so he can safely take aim and shoot the bird…and not the dog.

We used repetition to train the young dogs.  We also used shock collars to break them from chasing the birds.  Don’t worry, this did not harm the dogs or lead to them needing therapy.

Kids present an entirely different paradigm related to training.  We not only want to “break” our kids of bad habits and rude behavior, but we want to train them in a way that brings out the uniqueness of each of them and encourage them to flourish.  How do we do this?

Generally, moms excel in areas dealing with hygiene, manners, gift-wrapping, and empathy.

Dads usually do a great job training in physical activity, lighting fireworks and right-brained stuff.

Our job, as single dads, requires us to cover all the bases.  And we are not allowed to use shock collars when our kid uses bad manners at the dinner table.

So, how can we set ourselves up to train our kids well?

Seek input from moms.  Find a “mom” who has frequent interactions with your kids and ask them to give honest input about what training they need.  Others notice little things, and some big things, we may have no clue about.  Thank them for the input and seek training tips.

Engage kids in everyday tasks and special chores.  Giving our kids responsibility and compensation will help train them.  I appreciate the context Dave Ramsey puts this in – some behaviors are essential to just being part of the family (clearing your plate, picking up clothes, and other age-appropriate tasks), and others deserve compensation (or a “commission”).  This will both feel a part of the family unit and train them to act responsibly whether they get paid or not.

Consider outside training.  Occasionally, my dad would send a dog off with a professional trainer for specialized instruction.  For our kids, we have Junior Achievement, Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts, team sports (sportsmanship, playing with others), and many others.  Often, what we have told our kids for months will finally sink in when another adult gives the same instruction.  Frustrating, but a reality.  You and I did it, too!

 What has been the hardest thing to train your kid(s) to do?

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Teach

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Photo Credit: anastasia_vito via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: anastasia_vito via Compfight cc

Do your friends always seem to somehow teach their kid a life lesson about something like “finding margin in life” while they were both changing the oil in the family minivan and some oil overflows?  I often miss those teachable moments with my son, and I admittedly cannot change the oil in my SUV.

Those teachable moments seem to escape me when I am:

  • Distracted
  • Disconnected
  • Exhausted
  • Exasperated

In fact, most teaching suffers under the above conditions.  It suffers because we miss opportunities.  It suffers because our kids learn from our distraction, disconnection, exhaustion, and exasperation — they learn from us and become like us.

I became a full-time single father when my son was six.  Sons naturally learn from their fathers at all ages, but at six, he was particularly interested in what I had to say and how I acted.  I know he closely observed me and wanted to help in the kitchen, exercise with kettlebells, and go trail riding.  He seemed to want to learn things I did around the house and for recreation much more than he wanted to learn spelling or math at school.

As he aged, his interest in what I did and how I did it increased.  As did his observation about how I spoke, what words I used, how I let life affect my mood, and how I spoke about the divorce and his mom.

Our kids pay very close attention all all we say and do.  So, if the grind of work, laundry, cooking, cleaning, dating, homework, finances, and dealing with our exes leads us to become easily distracted and disconnected from our kids or exhausted and exasperated by our kids, we need to stop and assess the situation and make some changes.

Each one of us faces different daily challenges, but we all teach our kids about life in the midst of them.  How can we avoid missing those teachable moments or modeling less-than-desirable traits?  These practices have helped me:

Take care of yourself.  Eat well, get some exercise, play, and get plenty of sleep.  This will do wonders for your mental state and your ability to stay focused and positive.  One of my favorite lifestyle books is “The Primal Blueprint” by Mark Sisson.  I’ve been reading his blog, Mark’s Daily Apple, for a number of years and find his approach to diet and fitness to be spot on.  I highly recommend it…and your kids will love his emphasis on play.  Some of the best teachable moments come when we play games and get away from electronics (which we are just as or more addicted to as our kids).  Plus, teaching our kids to care for themselves and their health will pay dividends well into the future.

Read.  I received a degree in English literature in college and used to read voraciously.  Now, when I get into bed and open a book, I barely make it past a few pages before falling asleep.  I set a goal to read more consistently in 2015 for several reasons.  First, I enjoy reading all sorts of books.  I have not read enough fiction and miss a good story.  Second, reading keeps the mind sharp and makes us better teachers.  Most leaders in business, politics and culture read consistently.  Even picking a few blogs on topics of interest to read every day will sharpen the mind and broaden the materials you can draw from to teach your kids.  Plus, they’ll see you read and may even mimic you.

Include your kids.  The more you invite your kids into your chores and routine, the more opportunity you will have to speak into their lives and teach them both the practical and the conceptual.  Sometimes we get things done more quickly when the kids have their noses pressed up against the iPad…and that is OK sometimes.  But how much more opportunity would you have to connect with your kids and teach life lessons when they join you in the garage, the kitchen, or the yard?

What is the best “teachable moment” you have had with your kids?

 

Lots Of “New” For 2015

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Thank you for indulging me during an extended break from the blog.  My December got away from me with my wedding and merging households, the holidays, and mentally preparing for…going back to work.

I am thankful for my new wife, three new stepsons, new traditions, new in-laws and family, and even the new challenges.

With all the “new,” I still want to offer what I can to single dads.  So, after a brief sabbatical, it is back to the keyboard and MailChimp.  I hope you will continue to benefit from these posts and I look forward to introducing you to some new voices in the coming months.

I want to leave you with something substantive in this post, and again it is from one of my favorite bloggers, Dr. Tim Elmore.  As we venture into 2015, with or without resolutions, we need to approach life as single fathers with intentionality – and this post from Dr. Elmore gives great guidance to do just that.

 

A Single Dad’s Non-Pinterest Christmas

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My son loves Christmastime – and not even the whole gift-getting thing.  He enjoys the season, the decorations, the trees, the food, and even a few of the songs.  He really wants to learn to snowboard this winter, so the season will be full.

Photo Credit: *Betso* via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: *Betso* via Compfight cc

Unfortunately, neither of us received the gift of decorating.  So, when Thanksgiving comes and goes, we trudge up to the self-storage unit and pull out a couple plastic bins filled with Christmas decorations.  Tree ornaments (including a Christmas pickle ornament?!?), a partial nativity scene, several balled up bunches of lights, five or six random decorations, two nutcrackers, and Christmas place mats.  Not exactly Martha Stewart territory.

I do not have a Pinterest account to get the latest decorating ideas.  Even if I did, no way would I find the required glue guns, glitter, styrofoam rings, fake holly, and gingerbread men anywhere at home.  When you look at our Christmas tree, ornaments usually occupy 15 percent of the surface area like a herd of sheep bunched up for protection.  That’s how we roll.

If you share my decorating skills, consider the following ideas for the season:

Suck it up and decorate.  This is not about you – it is about your kids.  Think back to the holidays with your family.  Do you remember the decoration your parents told you to never touch?  Do you remember the ornament you always got to hang on the tree?  Do you remember re-arranging nativity pieces?  Your home may not have made the cover of “Good Housekeeping’s Best Decorated Home” but you still have your memories.  Make those same memories for your kids.

Use old decorations from your marriage.  Out with the old and in with the new may not cut it.  My son has strong memories – good memories – associated with a few of the decorations in those plastic bins.  Throwing out or “losing” them will not aid in the healing process.  Certainly many psychologists have written well-researched papers on why this is, but all I know is my son spends time looking at certain ornaments on the tree and telling me about the good memories they bring.  Seems a bit Scrooge-ish to bury those memories.

Marry someone who can decorate.  Just seeing if you are paying attention.

Build up your decoration stockpile.  Figure out an annual ritual to build up the decorations in your home.  Maybe your son likes superhero themed nutcrackers.  Maybe your daughter loves nativity scenes.  Set a dollar amount for each kid or the household and go out to get something new together and build up your arsenal and build some new memories for all of you.

What Christmas traditions do you have with your kids?  What is something new you can do this year to build new, healthy and happy memories?

“T’s” Of Single Fatherhood – Touch

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In a split second, happiness turned into agony.

My son’s foot found the family jewels during a run-of-the-mill wrestling match.  It was not the first time and certainly will not be the last.

Photo Credit: Brian Auer via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Brian Auer via Compfight cc

I call a time-out and roll to the edge of the living room and curl up like a baby.  A few deep breaths and before I know it, my son is giving me a hug and apologizing.  Only a few words are needed to reassure him I will be OK and know it was an accident.  I shake it off and get back in the ring.

Sound familiar?  Why do kids find the most vulnerable parts of our bodies to accidentally hit, kick, and poke?  Why do we subject ourselves to non-accidental hitting, kicking and poking (also known as roughhousing)?

Bonding.  Not much different than a hug, kiss or reassuring touch.

My son loves to cuddle and watch TV.  He wants his back scratched at bedtime.  He will snuggle up while I read a book to him and just as quickly body-slam me and beg to wrestle.

He does this because touch makes connections and bonds.  We have all read stories about babies in orphanages who do not receive adequate touch from adults suffering from physical ailments, suppressed neurodevelopment, and emotional problems.

We also know, as men, women tend to be better at touch.  You may be an outlier, but, in general, men have room to improve in this area.

So, does your kid respond to touch?  Does your kid pester you, poke you, prod you?  Could he be looking for physical contact or physical reassurance?

Take a moment to consider the ways you engage in physical touch with your kid.  It could be roughhousing, tickling, or hugging.  It could be none of those.

Again, I commend to you Dr. Gary Chapman’s book – The Five Love Languages of Children – which explores the subject of physical touch and even provides an assessment tool to discover how highly it ranks for your kid.  As an aside, if you use the above link to order the book, I will receive a small portion of the sale which helps to offset the cost of running this blog…and is much appreciated!

Over the next few days, pay attention to how you use physical touch with your kid.  Does a hug, kiss on the head or a tickle fight change how you interact, improve his mood, or strengthen your relationship?  Do you struggle with even remembering to show physical affection to your kid?  Do you fall into the category of guy who just wishes there was a woman around to do the hugging and cuddling?

When mom is not around on a consistent basis to supply physical touch to your kid, you need to fill those shoes.

What benefit have you found when you show affection or engage in physical touch with your kid?  

 

“T’s” Of Single Fatherhood – Time

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No quote from Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle” in this blog post.  As a full-time single father, you have already committed to spending time with your kids.  Lots of time.  In fact, you may feel a bit of guilt when you wish you could get a break.

You give your kids an incredibly valuable gift with that time.  No matter what happened to get you to this place, you now have primary responsibility for them and will spend a large portion of your non-working hours being dad.

Photo Credit: Busy Chris via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Busy Chris via Compfight cc

Young children require greater and more intense attention.  Feedings, diapers, baths, reading, playing, more diapers, and more feedings – just tapping those words out on my keyboard reminded me how exhausting those years were.  You may have help, but when you have those kids alone your time is consumed.

When you change diapers, older potty trained kids seem easier.  Seem is the operative word.

Intuitively, we all know parenting requires lots of time.  We all know time invested in a relationship nurtures and grows it.  So, it would seem parenting – especially if you parent the majority of the time – would result in awesome relationships with your kids.

Again, seem is the operative word.

I have spent time with my son and squandered time with my son.  I have been present with my son and I have been in the same room as my son.  I have listened to my son and I have been aware some creature was chattering somewhere in the room while I responded to an email.  You get the idea.

We would not function if every moment of every day involved deep levels of intimate communication and attention to our kids.  They would go crazy, too!  But, we can begin to identify those moments we can leverage and allow for deep connection.

I wrote about the value of a bedtime ritual – intimate and quality time.  I suggested we pay attention to their prompting for your time and presence, even if it involves a cartoon.

We have been given time with our kids – something we should thank God for.  So, let’s handle the time well.  Give this a try:

  • If your kids are too young to effectively communicate, write down two ways you can have quality time with your kids each day and do them.  This could include anything from 10-15 minutes of focused play time at morning and at night, to reading, to going for a walk, or to throwing a ball.  Discover what your kids enjoy and what they enjoy doing with you…and do it.
  • If your kids are older, ask them to tell you two things they like doing with you.  Then do those things on a consistent basis.

How do you spend quality time with your kids?  What benefits have you seen?  What gets in the way of spending quality time with them?