Author Archives: Jason

My Kid Is Sick But I Have A Big Work Meeting. What Do I Do?

You Need To Read “Five Changes I’d Make If I Could Parent Again” By Dr. Tim Elmore

Photo from Tim’s bio page at www.growingleaders.com/tim-elmore/

This article is excellent and provides a great foundation for how we parent in a succinct and clear manner. He does not overwhelm but encourages and gives wise counsel.

Five Changes I’d Make If I Could Parent Again

For me, his first suggestion to do less preventing and more preparing sits at the top of my list. I overcompensate in the “preventing” category. So, it is time to dig down and figure out why I take on some of the responsibilities that should be my son’s to own and be held accountable for.

Which of the five changes do you plan to implement in your own parenting?

5 Steps To Build A Reliable Team For Help When You Need It

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Parenting is about expecting the unexpected. Single parenting is about preparing for the unexpected.

If you’re like me, your ex-wife isn’t physically in the picture – mine lives a few hours away by plane. You may or may not have family near by (my parents and sister live about two hours away).

So, what do you do when something comes up and your kid is not old enough to stay home alone? That is when you tap in to your team.

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CANDIDATES FOR YOUR TEAM

Family – Grandparents, parents, sibilings, aunts, cousins…you get the idea. I have had to call my parents a few times and had them drive for a few hours to watch my son when he was sick and I had a meeting to go to. It was not ideal, but my guess is your family wants to be supportive and you just need to ask.
Friends – This is a broad category and should be broken down so you can better identify who is a candidate for your network.
Other single dads/parents – Chances are good you have several single parents in your kid’s class/grade. In fact, several of their close friends probably have single parents with either joint or full custody. Some may or may not work or have non-traditional work hours (firefighters). Single parents get it and are ususally quick to help if they can (and you should be quick to help them when they need it).
Retired friends – You have met these folks through your church, civic organizations, or in your neighborhood.
The rest – These are your married friends, neighbors, and anyone else in your circle.
Babysitters – It is essential to have a few babysitters for those evening events you need someone to watch your kid. Ask teachers, other parents, college students, people at your church, and people at work for names of their sitters (they may not want to share if they have a reliable sitter). If it is a college student, there is a chance they could be available during the day if their class schedule and work schedule allows.
Businesses – From day-care organizations to certain kid-oriented businesses, you may have entities who will take your money in exchange for watching your kid. Where I live, we have a few places willing to watch your kid (and wear them out) while you take care of that errand or meeting. Not every bounce-house playground, trampoline gym or activity center will allow you to leave, but ask and find out which ones will.

HOW TO DEVELOP YOUR TEAM

Write down the name and contact information for each person you come up with in each of the above categories.
Be liberal. Write down every possibility – even if you’re not sure they would be willing or able to help out.
Reach out to every person on your list and ask them if they would be willing to lend a hand. Let them know this is not for casual use, but instead for times when you really need help.
After you have made your calls, rank your list based on who you feel most comfortable calling and who is generally available.
Put your list into a document or spreadsheet and use it.

Remember, people want you to succeed as a single-dad and instinctively know you need help sometimes. Let them help and do not hesitate to ask. I remember how difficult it was to dial the phone and ask a friend to come over and watch my son while I went to a meeting – my pride was getting in the way of allowing someone to help me who had offered to do so.

I still wrestle with asking for help, at times, thinking I should be able to do this all on my own. But then I remember the team of people around me who want to help and who I help back.

Do you already have a team or network? What have you learned about asking for help?

How To Talk To Your Kid About Your Divorce And Your Ex

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Divorce leads kids to ask a ton of questions. How we answer has dramatic implications for everyone involved.

Depending on the age, these questions can range from innocent fact-gathering to downright prying. I have gotten questions ranging from:

“Why are you and mom getting a divorce?”

“Why can’t you and mom stay married?”

“Why do I live with you most of the time?”

“Do you hate mom?”

Prior to the divorce, my ex and I separated. During that time, my son asked a lot of questions…not unlike those listed above. My objective – based on counseling from professionals, ministers, and friends – was to never make a negative comment or use a negative/sarcastic tone of voice when speaking about his mom.

My answers to his questions were general and somewhat wordy. I consistently reminded him the separation (and later divorce) was not his fault. I never felt like I was communicating clearly and sometimes begged more questions.

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I asked professionals for some additional input. Here’s what I got: “Be a broken record. Memorize a script and say it every time you get asked a question about the divorce or the custody situation.”

To this day, over four years after receiving residential custody, I use that script. “Your mom and I both love you very much. You are not the reason we got a divorce.” There are a few more lines in the script related to our specific residential custody situation, but you get the idea.

Find your words and stick to them. If you are able to reassure your kids that both you and their mom loves them, do so.

My son isn’t quite to double-digits in age. I know he’s going to continue to mature and ask questions. I will continue to seek advice on how to answer at an age-appropriate level. At the end of the day, the words coming from my mouth need to foster and preserve relationship and not tear it down.

What is your script? What have you learned about answering your kids’ questions?

What Every Single Dad Needs To Know About Discipline

4 Ideas to Improve Your Bedtime Ritual

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At the ripe old age of “I’m almost 10” it happened. My son has asked me to stop laying down with him at bedtime. He’s a big boy now and it’s time to go to bed alone despite all the zombies outside his window and a forecast for a 50 percent chance of sharknados.

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But I’m still in control. I inform him I will be laying down for a moment to read to him, scratch his back for 10 seconds, and say our prayers. I confidently assure him it will be quick and painless and I’ll be out of the room in no time.

Rewind four years to when we started this discipline.

I’m thankful for lots of great advice from professional psychologists who worked with me and my son during our transition to a single-parent home. To a person, they instructed me to maintain and improve upon his bedtime ritual to both provide comfort and promote a strong emotional connection.

His primary therapist insisted recreational book reading happen in bed because, in her experience, it enhances the emotional connection between parent and child. An added benefit I discovered was an overall easier time falling asleep because of the consistent and safe routine.

So, here are four things I’ve learned about bedtime:

* Bedtime stories (not associated with school) need to be read in bed. It’s a safe and comforting place to bond during reading. This, somehow, enhances emotional bonds between father and child. I don’t understand and don’t have any metrics to prove anything for certain, but I know my son’s emotional state was stable when I did this consistently. He had his moments (and me mine), but it must have helped.

* Just suck it up and scratch their back. After a long day (still anticipating folding laundry and doing dishes before I could turn in) the last thing I wanted to do was lay in some awkward position and scratch my son’s back while propping up my arm on a pillow so it didn’t fall asleep. But I knew it mattered. A lot. Touch is so important with our kids and a lot of us dads forget. So just do it. Scratch their backs and give them a good night kiss.

* Invite questions and conversation. Your kid will benefit from being in an emotionally safe place where they feel connected with you because they will be more likely to share their feelings and engage in some amazing conversations. Depending on your circumstance, your kid may experience some deep hurt, fear, and guilt – what can it hurt to let them know you welcome their questions or want find out what’s on their mind?

(DISCLAIMER) I have tried the question thing with mixed results. I told him he could ask me anything and I would answer honestly…even if my response was “I don’t know” or “we will need to talk about that when you’re older” or “that is a grown-up issue between your mom and me.” He occasionally pressed to get details about our divorce, but I stuck to my script (more on this concept to come in another post). Sometimes he said he didn’t have any questions or want to talk. That’s fine – it’s an invitation, not a requirement.

* If something has to get done before you go to bed, try to get it knocked out before the bedtime ritual. Your day probably began 15-16 hours before it’s time to lay down with your child. You will, occasionally, fall asleep. You will barely function after your brief, pre-bedtime nap. As they get older, this gets more important because their bedtime is closer to yours.

Connection with our kids keeps coming back to communication, time and touch. So, invest some energy into your bedtime ritual. It will make a difference.

If you miss a night here and there, don’t worry about it – just be as consistent as you can and know it will pay dividends.

As for me, I’m going to get this bedtime ritual in as long as I can, even though it’s abbreviated. Plus, you never know when a sharknado will strike.

Learning to sit down

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I don’t even remember exactly what I was doing. Probably laundry. Maybe something more frivolous, like gathering trash from around the house to take to the curb for Tuesday garbage pickup. Who knows.

What I remember very clearly was my son sitting alone on the couch with his favorite stuffed animal and blanket. He was winding down. Homework was done. Teeth brushed. He even flossed. He was occupied and I could get stuff done.

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He was watching something – probably Phineas and Ferb (one of my personal favorites), but he wanted company – he wanted dad to sit and pay attention to him.

“DAD! Please sit with me.”

He didn’t use many words, but they had an impact. I immediately thought to myself, “but I have to get all these chores done, when will I do them if not now?”

Fortunately, some additional synapses fired immediately after that thought. My son just asked me to sit down next to him, to pay attention to him, to put my arm around him and cuddle with him. He was giving me permission to quit doing chores and sit and watch TV with him…to join him in his world. I’m glad I did.

Time, touch, and attention. We both needed it, and a child’s need for those should always trump a chore you can do later.

Welcome to Full-Time Dad

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“Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .’” – C.S. Lewis

I’ve been thinking about this project for a long time. Putting words to paper (or characters to word processor) has never been difficult for me, but in this instance it has been met with resistance every step of the way.

Partly because of my failures:
I failed my marriage.
I failed my son.
I failed in my parenting.
I failed my own convictions.

I fail to see why I have any right to write any words about what I’m endeavoring to do.

However, failure (depending on how one handles it) brings a level of qualification to talk about a matter. In my case, recognizing circumstances for what they are and actively seeking answers, wisdom, therapy, and community to move forward as a full-time, single dad.

Also, through a great community of support, I discovered my failures aren’t much different than those others have experienced. No two stories are alike, but the similarities are shocking if you risk having the conversation.

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I do not have sole custody of my son, but I do have residential custody during the school year. As a professional, I have joined the ranks of countless women and men who have juggled work and home without the consistent aid of any partner. And in many respects I have it easy – I just have one son…not two or three or more. Plus, when he goes to visit my ex-wife on several occasions during the year, including an eight-week stint during the summer, I have the opportunity to catch my breath even though I miss him dearly.

To a certain extent, the name of this blog doesn’t even reflect my reality. I’m not really a “full-time” single dad by strict definition. But I’ve discovered most circumstances vary wildly with no two of my friends having the same situation in their full-time or part-time single parenting.

So, what do I hope to accomplish with this blog?

I want to help dads, like me, who weren’t sure where to turn when life hit them square in the face.
I want to provide helpful content to dads who have become the primary parent to their kid(s).
I want to share lessons I’ve learned and mistakes I’ve made.
I want to connect us with others who have expertise to share from their own experience or their professional life.
I want to be surprised by what could happen next.

One of the heroes of my faith is C.S. Lewis. He said “Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .’”

The fact is we’re all is this together and have so much to learn from each other. I look forward to the journey, friend, and can’t wait to see where it leads us.

FULL-TIME DAD

Equipping single dads