Author Archives: Jason

My Son Will Not Clean His Room

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My son and I have different definitions of a clean room.  Truth be told, my definition and his had much more in common when I was a few decades younger.

Actually, truth be told, I have never been the neatest person around, but try to maintain some semblance of order.  Everything has its place, but not everything ends up there.

Photo Credit: h.anderle via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: h.anderle via Compfight cc

Even after several years of asking him to find a place for his clothes and toys, not everything has its place.  Unless you count the closet floor or the northwest corner of his room as a legitimate “place”.

I have tried bribing, threatening, explaining, and lecturing.  Each is met with the same reply: “I know where everything is.”

Except when he does not know where everything is…which can happen several times each week.

My idea well has just about run dry, and I sense parenting with some balance may pay off.

First, my son must learn to do what I ask when I ask him to do it.  Honestly, he may resist at first if a different activity seems more appealing.  And almost everything except homework and flossing seems more appealing.

Second, he should understand (and by default I must adequately explain) the why.  I suspect he already understand why someone should keep their room straightened up, but I can remind him of times he has not been able to find something.

Photo Credit: heatherbirdtx via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: heatherbirdtx via Compfight cc

Third, I need to help him determine what “clean” means to him and what it means to others.  I had a roommate who had a very different definition of “doing the dishes” than I did…and we had to work it out.  My son will have to work it out as he gets older and lives in different places with different people.

Fourth, I should encourage him to think less of the chore and more about the convenience.  One day he will understand the beauty of knowing the location of clean socks and his rugby jersey, instead of rummaging through piles of clothes he has not put away looking for them at the last minute,

Fifth, I need to make sure I affirm his good decisions and when he does a stellar job at other duties.  He excels at opening doors for ladies and helping with the puppies.  Offering praise for him for a job well done may result in improvements in more challenging areas.

What chore do you constantly nag your kids to do?  What chore did your parents nag you about?

 

 

3 Ways I Helped My Son Figure Out His New Hobbies

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Photo by author

Before our divorce, my ex and I decided to get some chickens for our urban home.  We started with a few and pretty soon got hooked.

Fast forward a bit and I ended up with custody of the chickens and my son and I raised them for several years until we finally ended up with a landlord unwilling to let us bring them along.

But during the years we had them, my son (and his friends) loved the chickens.  While not smart, each one had a personality and each one laid eggs with deep yellow yolks.  He learned about caring for animals and responsibility.  He also learned what a coyote can do to a small flock of hens.

Our experience with chickens played a role in figuring out what post-rugby hobbies my son would take up.  As you recall last week, we had some interesting suggestions…none of which I could immediately implement.

We talked about several options and two emerged the winners: starting a garden and beginning CrossFit for kids.  How did I contribute to this?

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Photo by author

I asked him to make an expanded list of choices.  As you know from last week’s blog, his initial list of hobby choices was…adventurous.  I asked him to expand his list and encouraged him to brainstorm everything he could.  His new list had several additions in the extreme category, but we talked about plusses and minuses, and we talked about activities I engaged in previously.  I told him about my experience one summer at a CrossFit box and how much I enjoyed it, and the discussion led to his ultimate decision to investigate CrossFit for kids and to pursue it.

I encouraged him to list what interests him.  He and I (and the new blended family) have discussed getting chickens again, but we have new puppies and the timing is not right.  He and his youngest stepbrother had talked about a garden instead of more animals.  The process of listing interests and crossing off the marginal ones pointed back to something my son loves…growing and harvesting.  This time, he will harvest veggies and fruits instead of collecting fresh eggs, but it will scratch a similar itch.

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Photo by author

I followed through.  We cannot go through a process like this and let our kids down by dropping the ball (which I have done on multiple occasions).  On Sunday, we got the necessary supplies at Home Depot and started the gardening project.  This coming Friday, he will go to his first CrossFit for kids class at a box just a few minutes away.

Giving our kids some options other than screen time helps everyone.  Finding a way to connect with our kids by exploring their interests, sharing our interests and experiences, and figuring out how to execute will pay dividends in the long term.

Now we just have to wait and see what comes of the garden…and if he likes CrossFit.

Have your kids chosen a hobby based on something you did as a kid or something they saw you do as an adult?  What was it?

Helping Your Kids Find Hobbies

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My son just wrapped up his rugby season and does not plan to play spring baseball.  On one hand, I do not have to drive him to practice and we get our Saturday mornings back for a few months.

Unfortunately, when asked what he wants to do in the coming months, he can only come up with activities requiring either constant parental supervision or being over 18 years old.

A partial list of things he seriously would like to do (as an 11-year-old):

  • Bike riding on highway access roads
  • Motorcross
  • Welding

Welding???

Photo Credit: parkerwelds via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: parkerwelds via Compfight cc

I explained his choices sounded interesting, but we not activities he could do without an adult.  Therefore, he could begin any of those as a hobby.

Then he said a word we all said as kids ourselves, but we want to scream when our own kids say it: “But everything else is boring!”

When our kids say they are bored we come up with the usual responses like, “if I told my mom and dad I was bored, they made me do chores” or “only boring people are bored.”  Neither do us or our kids much good.

So, it was time to redirect and come up with some other ideas.  However, nothing I mentioned sounded the least bit interesting to him.  Music lessons, acting, another sport, reading, collecting something – nothing caught his attention.

I have asked him to write down a list of all the things he finds interesting and from there, pick a few subjects we could turn into a hobby.  When i told him TV and Xbox could not appear on his list, he did seem a bit sad, but at least he knows he can create a list of his interests and not mine.

I told him to be as crazy and creative as he could.  Maybe welding stays on his list, but we can discover some way to work with metal as a beginner…not an expert.  His list will give us a chance to learn what kind of options are out there and force us to get creative as we find an activity for him.  And it will give us a chance to communicate and spend time together.

As of today he has not picked a new hobby, but I am holding out hope.  And searching Craigslist for used welding equipment.

What kinds of hobbies do your kids do?  What is the most unique hobby you or your kids have?

FLASHBACK – What Every Single Dad Needs To Know About Discipline

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This week has been full of coughing and craziness, so I decided to reach back into the archive and pull out a post I needed to re-read myself.  Consistency in your approach to discipline is critical and I hope this will give you some encouragement and perspective.

Photo Credit: eric_maniac via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: eric_maniac via Compfight cc

You know the drill. Before a business negotiation you and your partner decide which one will be the good cop and which one will be the bad cop.  Some have it down to a science…and then there is me.

I have a tough time being a bad cop – something about being a people-pleaser and watching too much Andy Griffith Show growing up.

I relate to Alan Arkin as the precinct captain in “So I Married an Axe Murderer” who struggles to find his tough cop voice.

Many of us remember the infamous line from our childhood, “Just wait until your father gets home!”  Cliche, but pretty accurate.  Dad was the enforcer and mom was more of the compassionate cop you could go to after the fireworks (or the belt strap).

I do not want to suggest healthy parenting requires parents to be good cops and bad cops on some rotating basis to keep the rugrats obedient.

As single-fathers we know it’s way more nuanced.  You and your kids are in this position because something tough happened.  You may all be in counseling trying to deal with the pain, guilt, sorrow, anger and trauma.  Talking about emotions and feelings has become more comfortable, or at least something you’re working on.

You and I are both enforcer and refuge.  Disciplinarian and comforter.

I have figured out it’s pretty much impossible to play both roles, so I have had to refine my view of how to approach discipline.  Volumes of leather-bound books have been written on every side of the “how to” discipline, but we need to examine the bigger picture first.

Here is what I am learning about disciplining without a spouse:

1 – What you say goes.  Your kid doesn’t have anyone else to turn to (maybe even manipulate) when it comes to rules and discipline.  Remember the power and finality of your words before you speak them.  They can easily build up and teach or tear down and drive away.

2 – Establish clear boundaries, rules, consequences, and expectations.  I have lots of room to improve in this area – mainly on the consequence side of things.  The consequences I impose on my son for the same action have varied based on the kind of day I had.  Not a good strategy.  This point deserves more discussion in a future post, but in the meantime I recommend “Boundaries With Kids” by Dr. Henry Cloud – an excellent resource.

[NOTE] In February, 2014 I had the privilege of hearing John Cotton Richmond speak at Donald Miller’s Storyline Conference.  He gave an excellent presentation on parenting and the rules in the Richmond household.  Keep your eyes open for him and any speaking he does in your community – very inspiring and full of wisdom.

3 – Clear communication maintains the relationship.  If we are clear with our kids, set boundaries, and demonstrate love consistently, they will instinctively know we love them even when we have to correct them.  Parent after parent confirm this through their life experiences: children want the safety and security of rules and boundaries.  My son does not love the correction, but he understands I love him unconditionally so the sting isn’t so bad.  I don’t have to turn around and take him out for ice cream after taking away a privilege so he knows I still love him.

I want my son to know I discipline him because I love him and set boundaries with consequences because I want the best for him.  That’s the bottom line.

Let’s leave the good cop/bad cop shtick to screenwriters.

What lessons have you learned about disciplining your kids?  Leave a comment below.

Lessons Learned In The Emergency Room

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Last Saturday my son learned why the rules of rugby forbid jumping…you can get hurt or hurt someone else.

In this instance, my son received the injury.  As he carried the ball down the field, he jumped to avoid a tackle, but ended up being brought down on top of the ball with extra energy.  His ribs and sternum burned with pain…especially when he took a breath.

We immediately iced the worst area and hopped in the car.  Phoenix Children’s Hospital was on the way home, but I kept wondering if I had another Saturday morning option for a one-stop shop for medical care and the inevitable x-rays.

Completely unprepared, I took him into the emergency room.  I even asked the nice lady at admissions if she knew of an urgent care facility offering medical care and imaging services at the same location.  She smiled and told me once I got to admissions at one provider, I should just stick it out.

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Photo by author

My son did not break anything, but managed to beat himself up pretty badly.  I expect he will want to take Monday off from rugby practice to let it heal a little more.

For me, I am beating myself up for not following my own advice and being prepared for the most cost-effective way to get health care for my son.  I should have already known the locations of the urgent care facilities with imaging so I could choose one of those over an emergency room.

Depending on your health insurance, you may not see any difference in cost for a weekend need to get some x-rays and evaluation, but I hope when my bill comes in, it does not knock the wind out of me.

Do you know the location of the ideal hospital, urgent care facility or dentist in case the need arises on a weekend?

I Almost Told My Son “No”

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Sunday afternoon.

You might consider it the best time of the week.  Naps.  Football (well, at least one more game this year).  Movies.  Reading.  That last deep breath before work begins.

I often have mixed feelings.  The weekend has flown by too quickly.  I still have errands to run.  To quote something I saw this weekend, “I still have procrastinating to do today that I didn’t finish yesterday.”

Yesterday, I had actually made progress on several tasks I had not gotten to in some time.  Checking those boxes felt great.

Then he came in.

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Photo by author

My son asked me to go trail riding.  Something we have both done together in the past (with many great memories and laughs), but had not done in some time.

“Maybe later.  I’m in the middle of this project.”

My son’s shoulders slumped a little and he turned and walked away, which allowed me to get back to the task at hand.

About ten minutes later, just as I was wrapping up the prior project and anticipating the next item on my list, he asked again.  His eyes told me he already knew my response.

“I said maybe later.  I have quite a few things to get done today.”

“Please, dad.  Please!”

“Not right now.  I’ll check with you later.”

My son is 11-years-old.  It did not take too much inner monologue to occur for me to realize he will not be asking me to ride bikes with him too many more years.  I suppose he might, but he certainly would not beg me to ride over to meet up with his buddies when he turns sixteen.

I guess I could fantasize about being a cool dad all the friends want to hang with, but the lottery might be a better bet.

I finished up the next item and decided I would take the initiative to ask my son if he was ready to ride.

Think about your kid and a time you saw her face go from boredom to outright joy…my son executed it perfectly.

We proceeded to take a 45-minute ride, round-trip, on some great trails.  We both got exercise.  We both laughed.  We both got some scratches and scrapes.  He got some time with dad.

And I still had time to work on my checklist and save a few for next weekend.

Have you ever regretted telling your kid “no”?  Were you able to make it up to them and to yourself?

Single Dad Burnout?

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This past weekend my son went to his first camp with our church youth group.  So, in addition to the experience of loading him onto a bus and waving goodbye, I had the opportunity to rest a little and get some much-needed work done around the house.

He came back on Sunday evening and I could not have been more excited to see him.  I miss him when he is gone, even when it affords me the opportunity to rest.

Not long after I put him to bed, I sat down to catch up on some headlines and one teaser on the Drudge Report caught my eye: “Modern dads ‘burning out’…”.  I do not have my Strunk and White handy, so I apologize for any improper punctuation.

The first sentence of the article indicated modern dads experience as much burnout as moms.  The article went on to make broad statements about working parents – presumably married – experiencing high levels of stress related to juggling work and home responsibilities.

No where in the article did single parents receive explicit attention.

I immediately thought of my years as a single dad.

And I thought of you and the other readers who have extraordinary parental responsibility…often with no consistent support from a spouse or even an ex.

Do we experience burnout?

We certainly can feel exhausted, stressed, frustrated, and even overwhelmed, but I suspect we power through those feelings and get up every day and do it all over again.

If you do feel burnout, I would commend to you you last week’s post and a few others I have written to give some encouragement and ideas to combat burnout.

5 Steps To Build A Reliable Team For Help When You Need It

Finding Balance As A Single Dad

Thanks for being a dad and all it entails.

When have you experienced burnout as a parent?

Defeating Loneliness And Isolation As A Single Dad

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Sunday, while my son and his buddy played a relatively quiet game of hangman, I listened to Pastor Scott share some great thoughts about community.  Sitting in the church service, I remembered how many people at my church supported me during my separation, divorce, and eventual life as a single dad.

This particular buddy (and his whole family) helped maintain stability and consistency through a lot of play time and Saturday hangouts.  While the kids played, the dads home-brewed beer and I received amazing support.

Whether in work or social circles, or at the CrossFit gym (I attended one summer while my son was with his mom during the summer visitation), I ran into several guys who were either single dads or facing the eventuality through divorce.  Those friendships often became opportunities for guys to commiserate, help each other babysit, or just hang out with the kids.  We all had common interests and similar struggles.

One of my early posts addressed the idea of building a team to help you when family was not around and you had an emergency at work.  But this post had a utilitarian feel.

What I heard this past Sunday reminded me of those friendships built with fellow travelers and friends and their wives and families who would do what they could to lend a hand.

Some thoughts about these relationships:

Relationships must work both ways.  You get out of it what you put into it.  One-sided relationships rarely stand the test of time.

You must be intentional about existing relationships and developing new ones.  Pastor Scott quoted someone (did not write the name down) who said, “You don’t realize how much you need people until you need people.”  Granted, we all have different personality types and this may come harder for you, but the principal remains the same…you have to decide to be a friend and to develop new ones.

Seek friendships with other single dads.  One of my single dad buddies from CrossFit became a close friend and his kids and my son had some great times playing and hanging out.  He had some great insight for me as I was settling in to the life of a single dad and we helped each other figure out some co-parenting issues as they came up.  People with common experiences and issues can provide great input and support.

It could be easy to fall into the trap of isolating and just going to work and raising your kids.  But that would rob you of the benefit of the advice and input of others, the realization that others have experienced similar difficulty, and the opportunity to gain some amazing friendships.

Have you been tempted to isolate as a single dad?  If not, what friend has made a lasting impact on your parenting?