Author Archives: Jason

Encouraging Your Kids At School

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In the first quarter of fifth grade, my son made the Principal’s List.  He earned all A’s and one B in his classes.  This was a first and he couldn’t have been prouder.

Photo Credit: cosiscience via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: cosiscience via Compfight cc

Last Friday, he received his second quarter report card.  He did not make the Principal’s List or the Honor Roll (all A’s and two B’s).  He earned three B’s.

Let me back up one step and let you know I believe kids should be kids and try not to overemphasize grades in elementary school.  I would rather my son develop good study habits and learn socialization than stress about making straight A’s.  This coming from someone who was a good student, but not a straight A student.

As I have told many, I am not burdened by extreme intellect.  But I hope I have enough book smarts and street smarts (AKA “wisdom”) to succeed as an adult.

When I looked at his report card, I decided to skip the usual responses:

“Hey, what happened this quarter?”

“Why did you get B’s when I know you can get A’s?”

“Did your friends make the Principal’s List?”

Instead, I asked him what his goals were for the next quarter.

Immediately, he said “I want to get back on the Principal’s List.”  No hesitation.

I affirmed his goal and will occasionally ask him how he is progressing…and I may even remind him of his goal when he begs to play a video game instead of reading for his Accelerated Reading requirement.

This will be a new adventure – my son has not set out to make goals, but this may be the perfect opportunity to get him thinking about what it takes to achieve future results.

I will keep you posted.

Have you set goals as a parent?  Have you found success in helping your kids set goals?

When Custody Handoffs Go Wrong

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My son was booked on a flight home from visitation with his mom this past Friday.

After a series of unrelated texts, I realized my son was not enroute and on a layover, but was instead still at his mom’s house.  Packed and ready to go.

Photo Credit: Frank Spee via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Frank Spee via Compfight cc

My ex apologized for the oversight (looking at the departure time from the layover city instead of origination city) and I started the rebooking process.

Fortunately, American Airlines quickly rebooked him for the following day and I did not have to pay any additional fees.  He arrived safely on Saturday evening.

How would you have reacted in this situation?  What would you have texted or emailed to your ex?

Within moments of finding out my son would not be home Friday evening, I cycled through several emotions, but once I caught my breath, the logical side of me kicked in and I went into problem-solving mode.  How do I explain this to the airline?  Will I need to use more miles/pay a fee?  What if he cannot get home until Sunday or Monday with all the holiday travel?

The emotional response quickly gave way to problem-solving.

Unless your ex habitually violates custody agreements (in which case you should reach out to your parenting coordinator, lawyer, therapist…whoever can help remedy the behavior), it is best to go through your emotional response before unloading on your ex.  Doing so would only add to the stress for you and your kid.

For the occasional hiccup, remember parenting (and co-parenting) is a marathon and showing some flexibility will diffuse a bad situation rather than escalate it.

Again, if your ex has a habit of doing this or does so with malice or no remorse, I would recommend seeking outside counsel to correct the behavior rather than go it alone and risking an emotional escalation with no custodial resolution.

Has your ex accidentally or deliberately violated your custody agreement?  What have you found to be the best way to approach these situations?

Giving Gifts To Generation Z

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I write this post in hopes to read it again next November in preparation for Christmas 2016.

My son is 11 years old, which puts him, most likely, as part of Generation Z (or iGen).  Wikipedia says the following about Generation Z:

By Cathy Wilcox (http://cathywilcox.com.au)

By Cathy Wilcox (http://cathywilcox.com.au)

Members of Generation Z have been affected by growing up through the September 11 terrorist attacks and the Great Recession, with some commentators suggesting that these events have given the cohort a feeling of unsettlement and insecurity. Patrick Cooper describes Generation Z as “innovative, entrepreneurial, and highly conscious of their futures and the challenges they face”.

Our kids, whether Millennials or Generation Z, have the added unsettlement of a broken family which adds to the unsettlement and insecurity.  This has emerged with my son regarding the topic of gifts.

Whatever winter holiday you celebrate, western culture has made gift-giving the norm.  If your inbox resembles mine, the pressure to give to others (or yourself) continues long after Christmas.  I still get dozens of marketing emails promising the sales will soon end.

Naturally, about one month before Christmas, I ask my son what gifts he might enjoy.  When asked directly, he rarely comes up with any practical answer.  Yes, a motorcycle, a Segway, and a machete (thanks Nacho Libre) consistently make the list…and he already knows the answer to each of those requests.

However, when we just walk through a store, he routinely makes comments about what he would spend his money on.  But he has a difficult time answering a direct inquiry.

He may feel guilty about asking for things when he knows we have watched our budget closely since the divorce.  He may have so many choices his brain simply shorts out when he has to choose only one or two.  I do not know what it is, but buying for him is difficult.

What my son asks for on a daily basis is time.  Time to play “Push Dad Off The Bed”, or time to ride a bike, or time with his friends.  Some days, those “gifts” can be harder to give than a Segway.  (Do not worry, he also asks to play the Xbox quite a bit)

So, next year, I may take the advice of others who write about giving experiences/time as gifts.  You can find one of my favorites by Zen Habits here.

Next year, instead of what he wants, I will ask what he wants to do or create or experience.

Let’s see how that goes.

What non-consumer gift have you given your kid?  How was it received?  Would you do it again?

Buying Christmas Gifts For Your Ex

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My son and I braved Toys R Us, Best Buy, Target, and PetSmart this past weekend.  Our mission…to buy presents for grandparents, cousins, stepbrothers, and pick up a few things for the puppies.

My son will spend Christmas with me this year.  He departs on December 26 to visit his mom for one week.  It occurred to me I should help him out with finding something for his mom…my ex.

Photo Credit: RagingWhisper via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: RagingWhisper via Compfight cc

I asked my son if he wanted to shop for his mom so he would have a gift when he arrived.  He said he would think about it and he might just go with his grandparents to shop when he arrived.

Upon further reflection and discussion, he and I will go, probably today or tomorrow, to get something for her so he has a wrapped gift when he lands.  He may also get something for his half-sister so he can come bearing gifts.

Even though I have not bought a gift directly for my ex since 2008 (the year before we separated), it seems healthy to facilitate gifts for her with my son.

Granted, he will not buy her diamond earrings or an iWatch, but even something small lets him know I value the relationship between him and his mom.

Giving is greater than grudges.

 

FLASHBACK – A Single Dad’s Non-Pinterest Christmas

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With the new puppies (see last week’s post) and year-end chaos, we only got Christmas lights up on our home this past weekend.  I could not help be remember this post and thought I would make this a “flashback” week.

If you know any single dads, please forward this on to them for a bit of encouragement!

ORIGINALLY POSTED DECEMBER 08, 2014

My son loves Christmastime – and not even the whole gift-getting thing.  He enjoys the season, the decorations, the trees, the food, and even a few of the songs.  He really wants to learn to snowboard this winter, so the season will be full.

Photo Credit: *Betso* via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: *Betso* via Compfight cc

Unfortunately, neither of us received the gift of decorating.  So, when Thanksgiving comes and goes, we trudge up to the self-storage unit and pull out a couple plastic bins filled with Christmas decorations.  Tree ornaments (including a Christmas pickle ornament?!?), a partial nativity scene, several balled up bunches of lights, five or six random decorations, two nutcrackers, and Christmas place mats.  Not exactly Martha Stewart territory.

I do not have a Pinterest account to get the latest decorating ideas.  Even if I did, no way would I find the required glue guns, glitter, styrofoam rings, fake holly, and gingerbread men anywhere at home.  When you look at our Christmas tree, ornaments usually occupy 15 percent of the surface area like a herd of sheep bunched up for protection.  That’s how we roll.

If you share my decorating skills, consider the following ideas for the season:

Suck it up and decorate.  This is not about you – it is about your kids.  Think back to the holidays with your family.  Do you remember the decoration your parents told you to never touch?  Do you remember the ornament you always got to hang on the tree?  Do you remember re-arranging nativity pieces?  Your home may not have made the cover of “Good Housekeeping’s Best Decorated Home” but you still have your memories.  Make those same memories for your kids.

Use old decorations from your marriage.  Out with the old and in with the new may not cut it.  My son has strong memories – good memories – associated with a few of the decorations in those plastic bins.  Throwing out or “losing” them will not aid in the healing process.  Certainly many psychologists have written well-researched papers on why this is, but all I know is my son spends time looking at certain ornaments on the tree and telling me about the good memories they bring.  Seems a bit Scrooge-ish to bury those memories.

Marry someone who can decorate.  Just seeing if you are paying attention.

Build up your decoration stockpile.  Figure out an annual ritual to build up the decorations in your home.  Maybe your son likes superhero themed nutcrackers.  Maybe your daughter loves nativity scenes.  Set a dollar amount for each kid or the household and go out to get something new together and build up your arsenal and build some new memories for all of you.

What Christmas traditions do you have with your kids?  What is something new you can do this year to build new, healthy and happy memories?

Knowing When To Say No

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This past Saturday, our family got two puppies.  Yes, two.

We blended families almost exactly one year ago when my wife and I got married.  My son and I had not had a dog since my divorce in 2010…and I had not had a dog the year prior during our separation.  My wife and her boys lost their dog just over two years ago.

All of us have been talking about getting a puppy/dog for some time.  Each with their own opinions about breed and age.  My wife and I became the final arbiters.

Photo by author

Photo by author

We ended up with two puppies who turn nine-weeks-old today.  We picked them up from their breeder on Saturday and have had flashbacks to when we each brought our own boys back from the hospital…and when we were in the throes of potty training.

My wife and I excitedly heap words of praise on these little creatures for peeing and pooping in the yard.  We have even used a little bit of baby talk.  Hard to resist doing it with these adorable pups.

Back in my single dad days, my son badly wanted a dog.  We had a landlord who allowed it, but something told me to resist.  Something told me it was too much to bite off.

I wanted to say “yes” to my son, but disappointed him over and over with “no”.

I instinctively knew adding the stress of integrating a new family member into the home was more than I could handle.  So, we waited and waited.  It took blending families and waiting nearly a year to welcome in our two new kids.

Sorrow and guilt following a painful divorce or death can overtake our rational thought, especially when our kids beg for something.  Something so simple as a little dog.

That “something” can overwhelm an already stressful situation.

You may not have a kid asking for a puppy, but certainly you have decisions to make which could result in unnecessary or overwhelming stress to an already difficult situation.

Take a moment to consider the cost in time and money.  Take a moment to determine if you have a teachable moment for your kids as you tell them they have to wait.  Take a moment to reflect if you even have the strength to give in to a request, no matter how badly you want to give your kids what they innocently want.

Take it from a guy who got up twice last night to literally let the dogs out.

What request from your kids do you regret fulfilling?

Spider-Man And ED

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With our newish blended family (we just had our first Thanksgiving as a family), we spent a few days with my son’s new step-grandparents after the actual holiday.  Our Saturday was typical, some leftovers, some basketball and football, playing with the dogs, and watching some television.

“The Amazing Spider-Man” was on one of the networks and we kept it on for much of the movie.  Usually, we watch movies commercial-free, but we were too lazy to even turn the channel.  Between the full court basketball game at a nearby school and the leftover tryptophan-laced turkey, clicking the remote seemed a bridge too far.

I got distracted during a commercial break and re-engaged upon hearing my son ask, “what is erectile dysfunction?”

My mother-in-law looked at me and whispered, “So, how are you going to handle this one?”

I told her I would handle it in a private setting, not one with older step-cousins, a step-aunt, and other steps around.  She smiled in agreement.

First of all, why do we need to put up with male virility clinic commercials during superhero movies playing during the afternoon?  I’m wondering how many middle-aged men (myself excluded) are watching Spider-Man on a Saturday afternoon.  But I digress.

Photo Credit: Linden Tea via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Linden Tea via Compfight cc

Not long after, I pulled my son aside and answered the question in an age appropriate manner and only answered the question he asked.  He appeared satisfied with the reply and said he had no follow up questions.

We dads will face many questions from our kids, some of which we may not know how to answer.  I suspect my son or my stepsons will hit me with a few I would prefer to hand off to my wife.

However, we dads have the opportunity to approach these subjects with authority and wise instruction.

For several years, I had no other “parent” to help out with these types of questions and I took some great advice from my son’s therapist…only answer the questions your kid asks.

My hat is off to the single dads who have girls – they have an entirely different set of issues and questions to answer.  And if any dads raising girls have any input/advice for fellow travelers, please share in the comment section below.

While I complain about ED commercials during Spider-Man movies, the fact is football games are probably worse.

In any event, let us try to be dads who invite questions, give wise answers, and encourage healthy growth in our kids.

Has your kid asked an awkward question or made a stunning statement during a family gathering?  Please share!

The Power Of A Thank You

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Writing a post about thanks on Thanksgiving Week seems cliche, and most certainly is.  But, thank you for indulging me.

Yesterday’s sermon at church reminded me how much Jimmy Fallon has changed the nature of the thank you note, and it reminded me about the importance of remembering those who have been generous with their time, talents and resources.

Photo Credit: meri_rose via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: meri_rose via Compfight cc

After the divorce, I became a full-time dad while already filling the role of a full-time employee.  I was blessed with many friends who lent a hand or word of advice.  My family traveled to help me out when work took me out of town.  A friend gave generously when it came to helping me get my son to visit his mom in another state.

Think about your situation.  Who has helped you be the best dad you can be under difficult circumstances?  Who has watched your kid when she was ill and you had to go to work?

Make a list of those people.

Get a box of simple notecards.

Start writing.

You will make their day.