Author Archives: Jason

Discovering Unforgettable Father-Child Experiences

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If you look up the word “hunter” in the dictionary, you will see my picture on that page.  That is because “hungry” is on the same page.

You can buy this sign from https://www.artfire.com/ext/shop/home/wooddesigner

You can buy this sign from https://www.artfire.com/ext/shop/home/wooddesigner

I have harvested my share of birds and an elk here and there, but am not a great hunter.  At the end of the day, I love being outdoors.  My son shares the same love for the outdoors and wildlife.

This past week, my son and I spent Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday night, all-day Saturday, and a half-day Sunday at a hunter education class sponsored by the Arizona Game and Fish Department.  I took the same basic class when I turned 10…over 35 years ago.  For anyone who has taken hunter education, no matter which state you live in, rest assured the movies have not been updated.

Photo by author...and proud dad!

Photo by author…and proud dad!

In all, we shared 5 hours in the car driving to and from Ben Avery Shooting Range and nearly 20 hours getting hands-on and classroom instruction.  We shared lots of laughs, had some serious ethical conversations, and I learned more about what he likes and does not like about the outdoors and hunting.  And he learned more from me.

I am not suggesting each of you need to take your kid through hunter education (by the way, lots of moms and daughters took the class), but you should seek out something your kid enjoys and find a way to take a deep dive with the subject.

In particular, find free or low-cost opportunities offered by organizations with the same passion.  Hunter education courses receive funding from several public sources and the instructors volunteer their time…and their passion can be contagious.

Maybe your kid enjoys the outdoors.  Find an opportunity (REI, Bass Pro Shops and many others offer no/low cost classes).

Art?  Check out your local art museum or community college for a workshop or class.

The list of interests and opportunities could take pages to exhaust.

Your job: ask your kid what subject she would like to dig into.  And do it with her.

I promise both of you will grow closer to one another…and you might just learn something.

I am going to brush up on my aim.

Do you know what interests your kid?  Do you have ideas about how to help them learn in a way you can also participate?

Another Birthday…Already?? Making Memories Without Going Crazy

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“When I was a kid…”

We have all said those words since having our own kids. My birthday parties in the 1970s and early 1980s seemed awesome – several friends came over to my house for some games and cake and ice cream. And I got presents – especially awesome in 1977 when the original Star Wars came out. The action figures made sweet gifts!

These parody action figures were created by Walt Crowley from Rancho Obi-Wan.

These parody action figures were created by Walt Crowley from Rancho Obi-Wan.

Now, many birthdays have become expensive two hour events at party factories – cycling in group after group for 75 minutes of play and 45 minutes of cardboard pizza, soda, cake and presents. All for a mere $300.

WHAT?!?

Some of you may have pockets full of Benjamins, but most of us try to watch our money closely.

So, how do we make awesome birthdays without destroying the budget and spending another two-hour block at the bounce house gymnasium?

1 – Ask your kid for two or three options.  You never know what they will come up with as options, and you may be pleasantly surprised they want a simple swim/video game/sleepover party at your home.  Granted, those can be exhausting, but make great memories.

2 – Budget for it…even if it is at a party factory.  No matter what, build birthday parties and gifts into your personal budget.  If you do not have a personal budget, set a goal to create one.  Little things at parties can become quite expensive…one time I tried to make fancy gift bags for 15 kids and just about went broke buying cheap plastic crap.

3 – Come up with a DIY party at home.  So, pretend your kid does not come up with any great or realistic ideas.  Make up your own themed party.  For boys – nothing beats water balloon and shaving cream fights in the back yard (or the yard of a good friend or relative).  For girls – buy some cake mix and have them do cupcake decorations and then rent a karaoke machine.  This process also helps you learn more about your kid’s interests.

4 – Plan a one-on-one event.  One year my son kept asking me to take him fishing.  So, I surprised him with a fishing trip and told him it would replace his 8th birthday party.  We have some incredible memories and he never missed having a party – instead we both got some amazing quality time and some great fish stories to tell.  This could end up costing some money, so do not forget to budget for it.

This year, we celebrated my son’s 11th birthday with family in the mountains and had a small gathering the following weekend with a couple of his buddies.  Again, we shared many memories from both events and managed to keep spending under control.

What unique spin on the usual birthday party do you want to try this year?

How Sanity Returned To My Mornings (Mostly)

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I became a single dad when my son was barely five-years-old.  The list of chores and responsibilities appropriate for a child his age had limits, and I constantly cleaned, cooked, made his school lunch, did laundry, made beds, reminded him to brush his teeth, did more laundry, cooked, and did more laundry.

“Doing the laundry” often included picking up socks and clothes from the bathroom, the living room, the kitchen, the bedroom, the other bathroom, and even my bedroom.  Sure, I would scold him and ask him to do the job, but I felt an enormous amount of guilt about the divorce and his new world, so I erred on the side of doing more than most parents.

Fast forward a few years (including a new marriage and great advice from my wife), and my son has transformed the quality of my mornings dramatically.  He (we) did this by having him make a list of all the tasks he must do in the morning…tasks I no longer do and tasks I no longer have to nag him about doing.

Photo Credit: Courtney Dirks via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Courtney Dirks via Compfight cc

He wrote the list himself as we discussed what he needed to do every morning.  He posted the list on the refrigerator himself.  And now he completes the tasks all by himself – and he does them without complaint.

The list has empowered him and relieved me.

Now it is time for me to create my own list…

What morning rituals do your kids perform?  How can you improve upon your morning routine?

Do You Know How Much Your Kid Hurts?

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Few people can make you laugh and think as much as Jon Acuff.

I have seen Jon speak live twice (once at Donald Miller’s Storyline conference and once at the ICON Conference), and both times I found myself writing down some hysterical lines and some incredible wisdom.

A lame photo the author took of Jon Acuff on stage at the ICON Conference

A lame photo the author took of Jon Acuff on stage at the ICON Conference

At the ICON Conference, he asked the adult crowd if they had celebrated the gift of not being a teen with social media.  He went on to explain he had shaved a stripe in his eyebrow to look more like Vanilla Ice when he was in high school.

Not long after, he reminded the audience empathy was not just understanding what someone needs, but acting on it.

Last week, Jon wrote a blog post and it took my breath away.  You can read it now or after you finish this short post, but do read it.  Especially if you have primary custody of your kids.

Photo Credit: ashallowtown via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: ashallowtown via Compfight cc

My son lives with me between 41 and 43 weeks of the year.  That means he lives away from his mom the same number of weeks.

When I read Jon’s post, I first wondered if he sat next to my son this summer and got the age wrong or altered it to protect privacy.

Then I wondered if my son cries on his flights between our two homes.  Next, I wondered if I showed him either empathy or sympathy for the pain he endures being split between two parents he loves.

He and I have a solid relationship, but I could always do more to make sure he knows I love him and do not want him to ever feel badly about missing his mom or wanting to be with her.

Jon spoke the truth – divorce causes extraordinary pain, and as dads we need the reminder…especially when we have custody.

Wait Before Destroying The iPad

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Silence hangs over the house like a heavy blanket on an otherwise beautiful afternoon.

You have several kids at home…there should be noise, so your imagination takes over.

They must be outside trying cigarettes or drinking a beer in secret.  No way should they be this quiet.

But on your way to the back yard, you walk by the family room.  Each kid sits quietly on the sofa, almost shoulder to shoulder, ears plugged with earbuds, shoulders slouched, neck bent, eyes fixed on 3.1 million glorious pixels.  Not a creature stirred.

Moments like those make me want to yank out the earbuds and snatch every device.  Then, in front of the kids, use a ball pein hammer to delicately shatter each iPad screen, and show them the door to the back yard where they should be playing.

Photo Credit: Finnberg68 via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Finnberg68 via Compfight cc

But, since I have my own dysfunctional relationship with electronics, I tone down my response and give the kids five more minutes to wrap up before they get sent outside or must start a new, non-electronic activity.

So…what is it with our love-hate relationship with electronics and “screen time”?

As someone in my mid-40s, access to electronics growing up was limited.  I might just harbor jealousy when I see what amazing resources my son has access to.

Photo Credit: zigazou76 via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: zigazou76 via Compfight cc

I had to go to the library and look up articles on microfiche.  Part of me wants my son to share in my suffering.

Having just finished open house for my son’s fifth-grade class, half of the academic helps for our kids come in the form of iPad apps.  So, now he can legitimately say screen time equals study time.

So, should I just give up?

No.

It is time to embrace these amazing tools.  It is also time to recognize my son’s job will likely have a close tie to his ability to utilize screen time.

But I will help him find a balance.  He will hike with me.  He will set up a lemonade stand.  He will play an instrument.  He will play rugby.  He will help with DIY projects around the house.

And I might let him find the YouTube video to help out with the DIY project.

What role do electronics play in your home?  What is your biggest struggle?

Develop Your Kid’s Practical Intelligence

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My college roommate and I visited Florence, Italy in the summer of 1990.  After spending one month in London with nearly 200 students from our college, we took the opportunity to do a little sightseeing before heading home.

In the days before cell phones, we purchased phone cards (still used in many parts of the world) to use with pay phones to call home.  In Florence, I checked in with my parents to let them know where we were.

Photo Credit: Despotes via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Despotes via Compfight cc

My mom had some information for me as well.  My LSAT score came in.

She read me the score, and I began to formulate Plan B for my life.  Law school would still be possible, but not very likely.

Looking back at the ebb and flow of my career, I do not regret missing law school one bit.  I did not carry the debt and did not have to work in a meat-grinding law firm to pay it off.

The LSAT, like my SAT to get into college, proved I did not excel at taking tests.  Despite my deficiencies in test taking, I have managed to have a solid professional career.

I do not know if my son will excel at taking tests.  In our educational system, standardized tests continue to set the benchmark (do not get me started) for advancement, graduation, college and graduate school.

But what about helping students develop practical intelligence?  Why do we teach to tests, but not take the time to teach kids how to balance a checkbook?

You and I need to teach the practical.

Photo Credit: Despotes via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Despotes via Compfight cc

You and I need to teach life skills necessary for them to function and to flourish.

You and I need to prepare our kids for the real world.

If you have read this blog for any period of time, you will know I really respect the work Dr. Tim Elmore does.  I recommend you read this article about replacing entitlement with ownership and developing life skills.  Once again, Dr. Elmore nails it!

We dads should seize this great opportunity to help our kids grow and mature.  We naturally instruct and guide our kids with practical, how-to advice.  This list demonstrates just a few of the ways I have tried to develop practical intelligence with my 10-year-old son:

  • Opening doors for others…especially women
  • Making good food choices
  • Shaking hands and having good eye contact
  • Separating laundry
  • Cooking and using spices
  • Making the bed and basic cleaning around the house
  • Saving money and spending money
  • Being polite and respectful

This aspect of fatherhood excites me because the possibilities are endless and limitless.  Certain practical intelligence skills require your kids to hit a certain age, but overall we can instill life skills from an early age forward.

Best of all, I am certain you are already doing it…just take a moment to list what you have already taught, and then make a list of your next lessons.

When did you have a blast teaching your kids a particular life skill?  Which life skill is next on your list to teach?

Ugh…Back To School

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Last Friday my son’s school held an open house just prior to the start of school (which is this morning).  Amidst the chaos of finding a parking spot and dodging kids running down sidewalks to see friends they have not seen all summer, the 30 minute visit to find out the name of his homeroom teacher, locate the classroom, and meet the teacher turned out to be kind of a bust.

Photo Credit: Old Shoe Woman via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Old Shoe Woman via Compfight cc

We found the classroom and went in to meet the teacher.  She was standing in a small circle of parents and a few kids in the middle of the room.  My son and I inched up to the circle to establish our turn to introduce ourselves to the teacher.

We never introduced ourselves.

One parent chose to suck the oxygen out of the room by asking question after question and sharing far more information about why little Johnny was a special kid in need of special attention because of his special parents.

The teacher could not have been more polite and accommodating.

The other parents seemed irritated.

My son and I decided he would just meet the teacher on the first day of school and we quietly slipped out while this parent continued to talk and talk and talk.

Observing that scene made me think about how I influence my son’s school experience.  What kind of parent am I?  A tiger parent?  A helicopter parent?  A jellyfish parent?  An elephant parent?  A dolphin parent?  People use all of these descriptors about parenting styles.

I refuse to label myself, but I will do my best to implement some best parenting practices as it relates to my kid and school.

  • Set goals for the school year.  Spend some time with your kids discussing and having them write down their goals.  They should include items beyond the academic, such as trying a new sport, spending more time with friends, volunteering for a charity, or creating their own business.
  • Establish a positive relationship with the teacher.  Depending on what grades your kids are in, you may have several teachers to interact with.  Each of those teachers has a reputation and our kids pay close attention to what others say.  Our job as dads is to train our kids to respect adults and we do that best by acting that way ourselves.  Whether the teacher is “good” or “bad” we can let them know we want their input about our kids and will actively participate in their education…but know the teacher runs the classroom.  Of course, there are exceptions to this in extreme circumstances, but we all survived less-than-stellar teachers and our kids will too.
  • Establish the ground rules for after school early.  And enforce the rules!  How much video game time?  How much TV time?  How much friend time?  When do chores get done?  Sugar snacks or Paleo?  I see value in discussing these and taking account of their opinions, but you have the final say.  Establish the rules and stick to them.  I know from experience, the first time you give a little, the system breaks down.
  • Emphasize good food and good sleep.  Not much to say on this one…except you may want to do this for yourself as well.
  • Establish the morning routine.  Even though they may complain, kids need (and like) routines.  Let them know your expectations so you do not find yourself rushing around to get them off to school in time to catch the bus, walk, bike or catch a ride with you.

Some parents cannot wait for summer to end and some cannot believe school has already started (that’s me).  Whatever the case, let’s set up our kids for a great school year ahead!

Reuniting With My Son

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My son returned from his extended visitation with my ex.

Photo Credit: Frans Persoon via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Frans Persoon via Compfight cc

At his age (almost 11), the changes taking place physically, emotionally, and relationally over a period of two months can be considerable.  He developed in every one of those areas!

Watching him walk down the jet bridge toward me, with the massive plastic ticket holder reserved for unaccompanied minors dangling from his neck, I could see he had grown a little in both stature and confidence.  This was the third time he flew across country alone, and he took pride in the accomplishment.

After the hug with him and my John Hancock on the airlines’ paperwork for minors, we were off.  He immediately began discussing some major topics from his summer with my ex and told some great stories about fishing, surfing, and adventures with new friends.

Overall, our reunion could not have gone better.  But, I have also experienced more difficult reunions…especially right after the divorce.

You may have residential custody and similar, extended times away from your kid.  Or you may have joint custody in a 5-2-2-5 type format.  Whatever the circumstance, the reunions can be unpredictable.

So, what can we do as single dads to reinforce positive reunions and calm the storm of the difficult ones?

  • Allow your kids to safely experience emotions.  Maybe your kids had a great time with your ex.  If they do not believe they can safely share this with you, they will build a wall to “protect” you from this knowledge.  Let them know they can honestly share how they feel during this transfer of custody.  Be a stable, affirming, understanding, and safe person for them to talk to – it is not a time for jealousy or negativity.
  • Ask questions, but do not dig for information.  As much as we would like to know how our exes parented our kids during their parenting time, do not put them in the position of answering those questions during the custodial swap.  Ask questions about them, their activities, their friends, and what they enjoyed.  Often, kids will share experiences about parenting or challenging times during separation from you when they have settled back in with you.
  • Do not fall into the trap of trying to be the “better” or “cooler” parent.  If you are the primary residential parent, focus on re-establishing routine and the security of your kids being at home.  Maybe they had the chance to go to Disneyland with your ex…or they went on a cool trip.  Instead of trying to one-up your ex with an even more expensive trip, simply ask your kids about the experience and let them see you enjoy the fact they had a great experience.  Parenting will become less about competition and more about parenting.  And your kids will notice.

What experiences, positive and negative, have you had when your kids return home from visitation with your ex?  What advice would you give other single dads?