Author Archives: Jason

FLASHBACK – 4 Ideas To Improve Your Bedtime Ritual

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At the ripe old age of “I’m almost 10” it happened.  My son has asked me to stop laying down with him at bedtime.  He’s a big boy now and it’s time to go to bed alone despite all the zombies outside his window and a forecast for a 50 percent chance of sharknados.

But I’m still in control.  I inform him I will be laying down for a moment to read to him, scratch his back for 10 seconds, and say our prayers.  I confidently assure him it will be quick and painless and I’ll be out of the room in no time.

Rewind four years to when we started this discipline.

I’m thankful for lots of great advice from professional psychologists who worked with me and my son during our transition to a single-parent home.  To a person, they instructed me to maintain and improve upon his bedtime ritual to both provide comfort and promote a strong emotional connection.

His primary therapist insisted recreational book reading happen in bed because, in her experience, it enhances the emotional connection between parent and child.  An added benefit I discovered was an overall easier time falling asleep because of the consistent and safe routine.

So, here are four things I’ve learned about bedtime:

* Bedtime stories (not associated with school) need to be read in bed.  It’s a safe and comforting place to bond during reading.  This, somehow, enhances emotional bonds between father and child.  I don’t understand and don’t have any metrics to prove anything for certain, but I know my son’s emotional state was stable when I did this consistently.  He had his moments (and me mine), but it must have helped.

* Just suck it up and scratch their back.  After a long day (still anticipating folding laundry and doing dishes before I could turn in) the last thing I wanted to do was lay in some awkward position and scratch my son’s back while propping up my arm on a pillow so it didn’t fall asleep.  But I knew it mattered.  A lot.  Touch is so important with our kids and a lot of us dads forget.  So just do it.  Scratch their backs and give them a good night kiss.

* Invite questions and conversation.  Your kid will benefit from being in an emotionally safe place where they feel connected with you because they will be more likely to share their feelings and engage in some amazing conversations.  Depending on your circumstance, your kid may experience some deep hurt, fear, and guilt – what can it hurt to let them know you welcome their questions or want find out what’s on their mind?

(DISCLAIMER)  I have tried the question thing with mixed results.  I told him he could ask me anything and I would answer honestly…even if my response was “I don’t know” or “we will need to talk about that when you’re older” or “that is a grown-up issue between your mom and me.”  He occasionally pressed to get details about our divorce, but I stuck to my script (more on this concept to come in another post).  Sometimes he said he didn’t have any questions or want to talk.  That’s fine – it’s an invitation, not a requirement.

* If something has to get done before you go to bed, try to get it knocked out before the bedtime ritual.  Your day probably began 15-16 hours before it’s time to lay down with your child.  You will, occasionally, fall asleep.  You will barely function after your brief, pre-bedtime nap.  As they get older, this gets more important because their bedtime is closer to yours.

Connection with our kids keeps coming back to communication, time and touch.  So, invest some energy into your bedtime ritual.  It will make a difference.

If you miss a night here and there, don’t worry about it – just be as consistent as you can and know it will pay dividends.

As for me, I’m going to get this bedtime ritual in as long as I can, even though it’s abbreviated.  Plus, you never know when a sharknado will strike.

Effectively Bribing Your Kids (For Their Own Good)

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Photo Credit: laurenaweiner via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: laurenaweiner via Compfight cc

Two dollar bills, novelties themselves, seem to do the trick.

A few weeks ago I discussed using the Leadership Design Group’s eight dimensions of life as a baseline for finding balance in my life.  As I have pursued improvement in these dimensions, I find myself wondering how to get my son (and stepsons) thinking about how they develop and mature.

Not one of the four boys in my home even shave yet, so I do not expect any of them to sit down with books by Dale Carnegie, Seth Godin, or Marcus Buckingham.  Your home may have older kids who might read those types of books, but I suspect not.

So what can we, as dads, do to help them take a more holistic view of their lives and their development?

First, we can model it for them.  They see us trying to eat well, get some exercise, study, write, read, engage in healthy relationships, and laugh a lot.  They also see us struggle to eat well, get some exercise, study, write…well, you get the idea.  Bottom line: we talk about being lifetime learners and becoming better even though we do not always get it right or stay disciplined (sometimes we just want to watch a movie).

Second, we can bribe them.  And it might just work.

For the past few years, I have kept all my notes in a series of Moleskine journals.  I do not “journal” on a consistent basis, but I do keep notes/thoughts/observations/ideas in my journals.  It occurred to me I could help the kids start a journaling habit while encouraging them to consume some quality content, not just Minecraft videos on YouTube and The Maze Runner book series.

So, I made a few kid-friendly modifications to the descriptions for LDG’s eight dimensions, printed them out, and taped them into the front cover of their own personal journals.  Then, we all sat down and I explained the concept of our lives having multiple dimensions and how we need to pay attention to all aspects of our lives as we grow and mature.

Then came the bribe.

I told them they did not have to do this at all, but if any of them wanted to pick out one of the eight dimensions and let me pick out a book, article, or video for them to consume, I would pay them $2 to do it and write down a few sentences in their journal about it.  As an added bonus, I would discuss the content and their observations about it at no charge.

The results have been mixed.

The two 10-year-olds seem kind of excited to learn something new and get paid to do it.

Just yesterday, my youngest stepson asked about putting money in the bank.  So, I told him we could parle this conversation into a journal entry.  Together we watched a short video on compounding interest, we discussed it, he asked several questions, and then wrote down a few sentences about what he learned.  And he did not hesitate to take “Jefferson” out of my hands.

Only one of the boys has not taken me up on the offer, but he just sat in on the compounding interest lesson, so he may not be far off.

The idea of being able to pick out lessons, stories, or videos (TED talks can be very effective…especially with older kids) from sources you trust is only eclipsed by the ability to generate a positive conversation between you and your kids while letting an “expert” be the one to provide the lesson/lecture.  It gives you the opportunity to agree with a trusted figure rather than lecture.

We all know how much kids like lectures from parents.

I would love your feedback about this idea, and I would also appreciate suggestions about great content for kids related to their growth and development.

Essentials For The Single Dad – Friendship

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In my first blog post you will find a quote from C.S. Lewis acknowledging the power of friendship and community.  Over the course of experiencing single fatherhood, those words ring truer than ever.

Just last week I had the opportunity to visit The Eagle and Child pub in Oxford, England.  This is the place Lewis and several of his colleagues (notably J.R.R. Tolkien) went to drink a pint, smoke a pipe and develop their friendships.  Being there made me consider how much more I could invest in the lives of others and how much enjoyment comes from good drink, fine food, and rich relationships.

Photo by the author

Photo by the author

I have known too many fathers going through divorce, custody battles, counseling, their kids’ rebellion, financial stress, and the search for a new spouse.  We have taught each other, commiserated, challenged and encouraged one another.  Hopefully, this blog has played such a role for you.

My son does not come back from his time with my ex for another two weeks.  A few weeks ago I suggested we all take those rare moments when we do not have our kids around to consider where our lives may be out of balance.  This week, I suggest we look closely at our social lives – in particular, in our male friendships.

The Art of Manliness recently ran an excellent article on the subject of male friendship.  Think about the men in your life and figure out how you can benefit from those relationships and how you can pour your life into others who will benefit from your friendship and advice on being a dad.

We are all in this together…make a point to invest in friendships.  Doing so will ultimately benefit you, your friends, and your kids.

Who has been an indispensible friend through your divorce or entry into single-fatherhood?  How have you been a friend to someone going through an experience you have already endured?

FLASHBACK – What Every Single Dad Needs To Know About Discipline

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Photo Credit: eric_maniac via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: eric_maniac via Compfight cc

You know the drill. Before a business negotiation you and your partner decide which one will be the good cop and which one will be the bad cop.  Some have it down to a science…and then there is me.

I have a tough time being a bad cop – something about being a people-pleaser and watching too much Andy Griffith Show growing up.

I relate to Alan Arkin as the precinct captain in “So I Married an Axe Murderer” who struggles to find his tough cop voice.

Many of us remember the infamous line from our childhood, “Just wait until your father gets home!”  Cliche, but pretty accurate.  Dad was the enforcer and mom was more of the compassionate cop you could go to after the fireworks (or the belt strap).

I do not want to suggest healthy parenting requires parents to be good cops and bad cops on some rotating basis to keep the rugrats obedient.

As single-fathers we know it’s way more nuanced.  You and your kids are in this position because something tough happened.  You may all be in counseling trying to deal with the pain, guilt, sorrow, anger and trauma.  Talking about emotions and feelings has become more comfortable, or at least something you’re working on.

You and I are both enforcer and refuge.  Disciplinarian and comforter.

I have figured out it’s pretty much impossible to play both roles, so I have had to refine my view of how to approach discipline.  Volumes of leather-bound books have been written on every side of the “how to” discipline, but we need to examine the bigger picture first.

Here is what I am learning about disciplining without a spouse:

1 – What you say goes.  Your kid doesn’t have anyone else to turn to (maybe even manipulate) when it comes to rules and discipline.  Remember the power and finality of your words before you speak them.  They can easily build up and teach or tear down and drive away.

2 – Establish clear boundaries, rules, consequences, and expectations.  I have lots of room to improve in this area – mainly on the consequence side of things.  The consequences I impose on my son for the same action have varied based on the kind of day I had.  Not a good strategy.  This point deserves more discussion in a future post, but in the meantime I recommend “Boundaries With Kids” by Dr. Henry Cloud – an excellent resource.

[NOTE] This February I had the privilege of hearing John Cotton Richmond speak at Donald Miller’s Storyline Conference.  He gave an excellent presentation on parenting and the rules in the Richmond household.  Keep your eyes open for him and any speaking he does in your community – very inspiring and full of wisdom.

3 – Clear communication maintains the relationship.  If we are clear with our kids, set boundaries, and demonstrate love consistently, they will instinctively know we love them even when we have to correct them.  Parent after parent confirm this through their life experiences: children want the safety and security of rules and boundaries.  My son does not love the correction, but he understands I love him unconditionally so the sting isn’t so bad.  I don’t have to turn around and take him out for ice cream after taking away a privilege so he knows I still love him.

I want my son to know I discipline him because I love him and set boundaries with consequences because I want the best for him.  That’s the bottom line.

Let’s leave the good cop/bad cop shtick to screenwriters.

What lessons have you learned about disciplining your kids?  Leave a comment below.

This post originally appeared in August, 2014

Finding Balance As A Single Dad

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A few weeks ago I wrote about the idea of recharging…especially during a time when you may not have your kids in your custody.  For me, I have those times up to 10 weeks of the year, with summertime being the longest stretch of eight weeks.

The first time I had an extended time away from my son, my reactions were easy to anticipate – fear, anger, sadness.  You know, the unpleasant emotions.  I was sending my son across the country to spend the summer with my ex.  The wounds of divorce and the pangs of guilt were fresh.

Photo Credit: congdongthongtincom via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: congdongthongtincom via Compfight cc

Over time, the sting of those negative emotions has diminished and been replaced with the realization about how much cooking, cleaning and laundry I do when my son is with me!  So, the “new normal” of a long stretch of time without my son has become familiar and far less stressful.

If you have similar circumstances or have a 5-2-2-5 or every-other-week custody arrangement, what do you do with those long stretches of time without your kids?  How do you recharge and stay healthy so you are ready to be the single parent again?

Just over a year ago, I began a journey to help me better understand how to approach life in a healthy way.  Long story short, I began a mentoring relationship with a remarkable man after we met at Donald Miller’s Storyline Conference in San Diego in 2014.

Wes is the founder and Chief Creative Officer of Leadership Design Group – an organization focused on developing men to view life in a balanced and multi-dimensional way.

You can check out their website for more detail, but I love the way LDG challenges us to look at our lives in eight dimensions and encourages us to seek a healthy balance between each of them.

8 Dimensions_Octagon_(c)So, for a start, look at the detailed descriptions of a healthy, balanced life (see the detailed description on their website when you put your cursor over each symbol).  If you are like me, you can pretty quickly determine where you need to spend some time recharging/reorienting/repurposing.

For me, I needed to focus on the physical aspect, and I spent some time dialing in my diet and attempting to exercise consistently.  Physical fitness helped me parent better.

Taking a few minutes to look at the dimensions and asking yourself what needs some attention is a great first step to recharging and preparing to be the best parent possible.

So, take a minute and do it now.  And maybe consider what it could look like to have a mentor in your life…maybe an older, wiser dad or single dad.

Which of the eight dimensions could use some attention today?  What simple steps could you take to address an imbalance?

Father’s Day Without My Son

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Before I get to today’s post, I would like to ask each of you to think about two or three single dads, whether they are full-time or have joint custody, who might benefit from being part of this community and discussion.  Please forward this or just the link to Full-Time Dad and do two things: 1) encourage them as single dads, and 2) ask them to subscribe and give input in this community.  Thanks for doing that and for taking the time each week to read – it means the world to me.

Now, on to the post…

Our custody arrangement always has my son with me on Mother’s Day and with my ex on Father’s Day.  And as much as I say Father’s Day is just a Hallmark money maker…I need to be honest and say it means more to me and being without him kind of sucks.  I know it also sucks for my ex.

Based on what he says, my son also wishes he could be with the appropriate parent on the appropriate day.

Photo Credit: Phil_Bird via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Phil_Bird via Compfight cc

If we were together on Father’s Day, we might take to the waves , go fishing, see a movie, take a hike in the mountains, or just chill out at home.  Instead, we had a phone call (his iPad is not functioning well, so no FaceTime) and a few text messages.  And due to some commitments at church, I did not travel to Tucson to see my dad.

Two dads without their sons on Father’s Day.

I posted a picture of my son, my dad and me on Facebook yesterday morning – and promptly got a lump in my throat.  I truly love each of them and want to be the best son and best father I can be.

So, what does a son-less father do on Father’s Day apart from having the brief, telephonic chat?

I gave thanks for my son.

I gave thanks for my dad.

I looked at some photos with both my son and my dad.

I thought about this community of dads (and a few moms) who I get to share these moments with, and know I am not the only parent who misses his kid when circumstances are not what we ever expected them to be.

Thank you for letting me get this off my chest this week.

I hope your Father’s Day reminded you to appreciate the honor we have to be dads.

Have you ever spent Father’s Day without your dad or kids?  What was your take-away from the experience?  No big deal?  A little guilt?  Or, “quit bugging me, the US Open is on”?

Recharging Dad

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I got my son an awesome gift for Christmas.  In fact, I want one, too.

When he unwrapped the Traxxas Slash, I do not know which of us was more excited.  This remote controlled car not only can hit 30 MPH, but can take a beating – a beating only a 10-year-old can dish out.

Photo Credit: Lorenzo F10 via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Lorenzo F10 via Compfight cc

As you can imagine, the battery is the weak link.  The seven cell battery pack can last up to 25 minutes.  That is unless my son drives it – he does not go any speed other than full throttle and full stop.

Being a single dad feels like being at full throttle or full stop most of the time.  Full stop pretty much comes when you sleep.  Full throttle is the rest of your waking hours.

OK, maybe I exaggerate, but you get the idea.

As I have mentioned, my son spends the summer months with my ex in another state, so I have the perfect opportunity to recharge my batteries.

But I have one problem…I am not always sure how to recharge.

Do I recharge by binge watching Daredevil?  Do I spend eight weeks at the gym?  Do I read the 18-inch high stack of books I have ignored on my nightstand?  Do I reconnect with old friends I do not see often?

Many guys have trouble figuring out what they need to recharge.  In the coming weeks, I want to explore what it looks like for me and maybe help you to maximize those moments.

What do “recharge” moments look like for you?

Sex, Drugs, Violence And Dirty Words

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My son and I sat down to watch a classic movie with a PG rating – Beetlejuice.  

Photo Credit: Muotoilla * via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Muotoilla * via Compfight cc

I had fond memories of the 1988 movie – the Tim Burtonesque feel, the comic genius of Michael Keaton, and the Banana Boat Song.  And it was not even a PG-13 film like Iron Man or The Avengers – both of which he saw and I had no problem with.

I had forgotten a few critical scenes, words, and concepts my son might not have been ready to take in.  I had forgotten a PG rating in the 1980s could be just this side of an R rating.  Watching it again, I wonder if Beetlejuice should have been rated PG-13.

I began talking with other dads about this.  There was the one who showed his son The Bad News Bears having forgotten about the amount of language and drinking in that PG film.

We have also talked about our tendency, especially with our boys, to afford more leniency with violence than we do sex and nudity.  How can we show them Braveheart and The Patriot because of the overarching story and message and turn our heads at the brutality, violence and blood?

I have another friend who will allow for a moderate level of violence in the media his son consumes, but draws the line when the story involves the mistreatment and disrespect of women.  But even those story lines can provide great opportunity for conversation about the consequences of being a jerk toward women.

So, what is the right answer?  Do we let the Motion Picture Association of America decide what our kids can watch based on their age and MPAA guidelines?  Do we say “no” to everything with adult content?  Do we shelter our kids as long as we can?

I do not have all the answers and, frankly, have quite a few questions.

Even if I censor the content at home, my son still goes to school, still visits friends (with older siblings), still rides in the car and sees billboards for local adult boutiques and Captain Morgan Rum.

I want to hear what you think, but here is my attempt to develop some boundaries:

  • Stay engaged in your kids’ lives and know what media they consume.  This seems like the first, logical step.  Ignorance is not bliss.
  • Educate yourself on the content they want to consume.  I routinely use sites like IMDB, Kids-In-Mind, and Common Sense Media to get reviews and recommendations about the content my son consumes.  He usually knows which films I will say “no” to, but often I need more information – especially if I have not seen it before and want a sense about what he will see.  Some of the sites even give you topics to discuss following the movie.
  • They probably know what you watch, so do not be surprised if they think the same content is OK for them.  In the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do category, our kids take cues from us, so if you do not want them watching horror movies, you may want to reconsider your Friday the 13th movie marathon.  They can see the “recently watched” shows on Netflix just like you can.
  • Engage in the discussion with your kids.   I remember watching a movie called Phantasm at a friend’s house when I was in late elementary or early junior high.  For whatever reason, I could barely go get the mail in broad daylight for several days after seeing it.  I was just waiting for the Tall Man to jump out from behind a tree or show up behind me when I looked in a mirror.  I have told my son about that experience, and it may have tempered his desire to watch a horror movie…for the time being.  Be honest about why you set boundaries on the movies they watch and let it be a conversation, not just a lecture.

What limits have you set on movie/TV content for your kids?  How do you approach the subject with them?