Author Archives: Jason

Long Distance Parenting

And so it begins.

As discussed last week, my son left my home to spend eight-weeks of the summer with his mom. I managed to subdue emotions when I took him, mainly because the flight departed at 5:05am and we had to wake up at 3:15am.

Enroute to a meeting later in the day, I watched an American Airlines 737 take off from the airport and the sight prompted tears as the reality set in.

But parenting continues…just in a different way.

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Shortly after settling into his summer home, he learned of an illness in the family. For a dad who wanted to comfort his son in person, the physical distance between us seemed to multiply by 10x. He sent me a text with the crying emoji. You will never guess what it triggered for me.

My take away from this fresh experience, while simple, serves as foreshadowing for what is to come. I will not always physically be with my son in the difficult time. I will not always physically be with him in the amazing times.

But he will carry with him my parenting, the lessons I teach him, the hugs I give him, the time I spend with him, and even the fumbles I make – which reminds me of the importance of the moments I do have with him.

Whether you have sole custody or joint custody, how do you negotiate long distance parenting? What has been one of your “lessons learned”?

Saying Goodbye To My Son

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In a few days, I will walk my son down to the American Airlines gate and say goodbye to him for the summer. The time has come for his annual, eight-week summer visitation with my ex.

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For nearly five years, I have traveled with him each time he flew, but this year he will fly alone at his request. The airline charges an additional $300 round trip to accommodate him, and he will have someone with him at all times while negotiating the gate changes. But it is a milestone nonetheless.

I have a love/hate relationship with this particular visit to see his mom.

I love the opportunity to catch my breath, to do a little less laundry, to read a little more, and to catch up with some friends I do not often see.

I hate not having him near, not playing with him, not tucking him into bed, not hanging out with my son for two months.

I know he wants and needs time with his mom, and understand how critically important it is for him to connect with maternal grandparents and relatives beyond phone calls or FaceTime sessions.

I know I will soon be the one on the other end of the phone or iPad for those brief moments to talk and tell each other what we have been doing during the summer.

I know how quickly eight weeks can fly by, but also know how long the walk will be from the American Airlines gate to my truck in the garage. I know I will cry.

You may face a similar circumstance this summer or at some point – a time when you have to say goodbye to your kids so they can be with your ex or with her family.

During these times, consider the following:

Your kids did not choose this separation from their mom and they long for that connection. Do not let those natural feelings they may share with you intimidate or make you feel like less of a father.

Allow your kids to be with their mom without guilt. If we try to manipulate our kids so they will want to be with us instead of mom, it will backfire. Again, I do not have a double-blind placebo study to back up that statement, but common sense tells me it is true.

Ask your kids how you should communicate with them while they are away. I have made it a practice to ask my son how often he would like me to call or FaceTime. In the past, I have smothered him, but learned over time the value of finding a balance with him. Each child will have different communication needs, so let them tell you what they desire and find a balance.

When you walk by their empty bedrooms, express gratitude for being a dad. When your kids return home, your grateful attitude will help ease their potentially rocky transition.

I can’t wait for you to come back home, son.

How do you prepare for an extended time away from your kids? How do you prepare them for an extended time away?

Laundry Sucks

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Strolling through the house, I see one black sock, inside out, peeking out from underneath the couch. Its mate rests underneath the TV remote across the room.

Two pair of gym shorts, both clean enough to wear again, sit in a pile on the bathroom floor.

I will not even waste words on what the floor of his closet looks like.

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As the dutiful dad, I used to walk through the house, pick up his clothes (he was pretty young), throw them all in the laundry basket, and wash them whether they needed it or not. The path of least resistance.

It did not take long for a primal instinct to rise up from within. I hated doing laundry and I had to change the paradigm. I spent too much of my time finding socks, hanging school uniform shirts, soaking dirty pants, and washing all of them. Not to mention my own clothes.

This single dad took a new approach to laundry.

Get rid of the front loader/HE washer. I admit front loader washing machines look cool. They save on water. They use less energy. But, for me, they made doing laundry more frustrating due to the long wash cycles. I have owned both and found the top loader to better fit my needs. You can do more laundry, more quickly with a top loader.
Work out your laundry schedule. Depending on how many kids you have, you might face a small mountain of laundry each and every day. Maybe you have school uniforms or work uniforms needing constant laundering. You might enjoy spending your entire Saturday doing laundry and chores around the house. Maybe you just want to do three or four smaller loads on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. Maybe your electric utility plan dictates when you do your laundry. Maybe you go to a laundromat and do your entire week’s worth of laundry in just a few hours. Whatever the case, like your financial budget, figure out your typical needs, establish a schedule, and stick to it as best you can.
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Teach your kids how to care for clothes. Take the time to teach your kids, from an early age, how to determine when clothes should go into the dirty bin or when they could be worn again. Boys typically resonate with the sniff test, so give it try. Instruct them to turn their clothes…especially socks…right-side-out before putting in the dirty laundry bin. Remind them it takes water and time to do laundry, so they need to be respectful of how many times they change clothes unnecessarily during the day.
Have an extra set of sheets/mattress pad. You never know what might happen at night from bed wetting to vomit to Spot jumping on it after running through the mud. In those cases, having an extra set of sheets can save you from an unexpected visit to the laundry room.
Wash towels and rugs separately. Once I washed the bathroom rug with some regular clothes. I spent the following spring taking little white balls of cotton off of all the clothes. I think they call them pills, and they are bitter.
Bring your kids into the experience. If said with the right tone of voice and right attitude, you can invite your kids to help you do laundry. Maybe it becomes an over-and-above chore in exchange for a few extra minutes of electronics time. They should learn the basics of laundering, folding, hanging, and putting in drawers. Maybe it will encourage them to think and be more responsible with their clothes.

So, am I the only one who hates laundry? Any tips you can share?

What To Consider Before Dating Or Remarriage

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“It’s not you, it’s me.”

I sat down the two decaf Americanos from Lux on the round table in his office, just as I had several times before. I buy the coffee and he gives me his time and good counsel at the end of his work day.

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My friend and I had both experienced the pain of divorce, and while our stories differed we shared several commonalities. His divorce happened nearly 20 years before mine and he was kind enough to walk the journey with me.

This meeting occurred after my divorce, and I had recently gone out on a date with a single mom – my first date since the separation and divorce. I cannot say I was excited about the prospects of having to begin dating all over again, but I recounted the date and the woman with enthusiasm.

I described her personality, her background, her job with great care, not wanting to miss a detail, as if I intended to have my friend vote for her for some pageant or competition.

I can see my friend’s face as clearly as when we sat in his office that day. He expressed some level of happiness just to see me so enthusiastic. When I finished, however, he sat quietly. He paused longer than I had expected. Then he spoke words I would not forget and would repeat often to myself and others.

“No matter how wonderful she is and how different she is from your ex-wife, the most important factor in any successful relationship you enter depends on how much you have changed and grown from how you were before.”

My friend knew every detail of how I contributed to my marriage’s failure. He knew the pain and guilt. He saw my progress. He needed to remind me not to place the burden of a successful relationship on anyone else but me.

Both of us know it takes two. But for me, dipping my toe back in the dating pool, the reminder was essential.

I needed to know exactly who I was in the relationship and not pretend a new face would ensure success.

Not long after, my friend moved away for work and I miss him dearly. I want to thank him again for speaking words of wisdom and investing in me – it made a difference.

Did you begin dating again before you were ready? How did you know when you were ready? Who do you have in your life to give you wise counsel?

Will You Please Remarry Mom?

When Should A Single Dad Start Dating?

Life Lessons From Saturday Morning TV

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What television show you loved as a kid did not quite live up to the memory when you saw it one night on TV Land?

I have had this experience – especially some of the old Sid and Marty Krofft shows from Saturday morning. What could possibly go wrong with Ruth Buzzi and Jim Nabors as robots piloting a flying saucer? (Yes, I’m that old).

When I was about seven, one show really captured my imagination and provided source material for hours and hours of play with my friends and me. The story involved another boy who stumbled across a secret and was given the power of six immortals – Solomon, Hercules, Atlas, Zeus, Achilles and Mercury. The show was SHAZAM! I not only watched the show, but had the comic books as well. photo-3

Fast forward nearly 40 years and I heard the studio released the show on DVD.

I ordered the series on DVD in 2014 hoping to share a little of my childhood with my son. The package arrived and it only took a moment to look at the jacket art to know this show would probably not age well.

With some trepidation, I put in the first disc, called in my son, and pressed play.

What shocked me was how much he engaged with the show. Yes, he chuckled at some of the “special effects” and did not always understand the cultural references from the early 1970s when the show was filmed, but the stories went deeper.

Today’s superhero movies have amazing special effects, compelling super villains, A-list actors, and reams of source material to draw stories from.

But my son seemed to connect with SHAZAM! because the hero, Captain Marvel, did not fight super villains, but instead interacted with everyday people (mostly kids and teens) facing everyday issues like peer pressure, bullying, not fitting in, and the occasional car thief.

The show addressed issues and questions my son had either asked or could imagine himself asking. The show sparked conversation about why people do bad things and how to make better choices.

We do not have the same conversations after today’s superhero blockbusters – we talk about the big battle scenes or the funny lines.

But following those 25 minute episodes of SHAZAM!, we had some good talks about making good choices, how we treat friends and family, and the consequences of telling what seems like a small, white lie.

I hear DC Comics will make a movie adaptation to be released in 2019 starring The Rock as the super villain (of sorts), Black Adam. Whether or not the movie ever happens, I expect the green screen effects will blow us all away, but I wonder if the story will connect with those important questions our kids ask about everyday life.

What show from your childhood have you shared with your kids? What was the reaction? What source material do you use to assist you in teaching your kids moral tales (Aesop’s Fables and the like)?

FULL-TIME DAD

Equipping single dads

Author Archives: Jason

Long Distance Parenting

Saying Goodbye To My Son

Laundry Sucks

What To Consider Before Dating Or Remarriage

Will You Please Remarry Mom?

When Should A Single Dad Start Dating?

Life Lessons From Saturday Morning TV

Giving Space To Our Kids