Category Archives: Parenting

Lots Of “New” For 2015

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Thank you for indulging me during an extended break from the blog.  My December got away from me with my wedding and merging households, the holidays, and mentally preparing for…going back to work.

I am thankful for my new wife, three new stepsons, new traditions, new in-laws and family, and even the new challenges.

With all the “new,” I still want to offer what I can to single dads.  So, after a brief sabbatical, it is back to the keyboard and MailChimp.  I hope you will continue to benefit from these posts and I look forward to introducing you to some new voices in the coming months.

I want to leave you with something substantive in this post, and again it is from one of my favorite bloggers, Dr. Tim Elmore.  As we venture into 2015, with or without resolutions, we need to approach life as single fathers with intentionality – and this post from Dr. Elmore gives great guidance to do just that.

 

A Single Dad’s Non-Pinterest Christmas

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My son loves Christmastime – and not even the whole gift-getting thing.  He enjoys the season, the decorations, the trees, the food, and even a few of the songs.  He really wants to learn to snowboard this winter, so the season will be full.

Photo Credit: *Betso* via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: *Betso* via Compfight cc

Unfortunately, neither of us received the gift of decorating.  So, when Thanksgiving comes and goes, we trudge up to the self-storage unit and pull out a couple plastic bins filled with Christmas decorations.  Tree ornaments (including a Christmas pickle ornament?!?), a partial nativity scene, several balled up bunches of lights, five or six random decorations, two nutcrackers, and Christmas place mats.  Not exactly Martha Stewart territory.

I do not have a Pinterest account to get the latest decorating ideas.  Even if I did, no way would I find the required glue guns, glitter, styrofoam rings, fake holly, and gingerbread men anywhere at home.  When you look at our Christmas tree, ornaments usually occupy 15 percent of the surface area like a herd of sheep bunched up for protection.  That’s how we roll.

If you share my decorating skills, consider the following ideas for the season:

Suck it up and decorate.  This is not about you – it is about your kids.  Think back to the holidays with your family.  Do you remember the decoration your parents told you to never touch?  Do you remember the ornament you always got to hang on the tree?  Do you remember re-arranging nativity pieces?  Your home may not have made the cover of “Good Housekeeping’s Best Decorated Home” but you still have your memories.  Make those same memories for your kids.

Use old decorations from your marriage.  Out with the old and in with the new may not cut it.  My son has strong memories – good memories – associated with a few of the decorations in those plastic bins.  Throwing out or “losing” them will not aid in the healing process.  Certainly many psychologists have written well-researched papers on why this is, but all I know is my son spends time looking at certain ornaments on the tree and telling me about the good memories they bring.  Seems a bit Scrooge-ish to bury those memories.

Marry someone who can decorate.  Just seeing if you are paying attention.

Build up your decoration stockpile.  Figure out an annual ritual to build up the decorations in your home.  Maybe your son likes superhero themed nutcrackers.  Maybe your daughter loves nativity scenes.  Set a dollar amount for each kid or the household and go out to get something new together and build up your arsenal and build some new memories for all of you.

What Christmas traditions do you have with your kids?  What is something new you can do this year to build new, healthy and happy memories?

“T’s” Of Single Fatherhood – Touch

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In a split second, happiness turned into agony.

My son’s foot found the family jewels during a run-of-the-mill wrestling match.  It was not the first time and certainly will not be the last.

Photo Credit: Brian Auer via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Brian Auer via Compfight cc

I call a time-out and roll to the edge of the living room and curl up like a baby.  A few deep breaths and before I know it, my son is giving me a hug and apologizing.  Only a few words are needed to reassure him I will be OK and know it was an accident.  I shake it off and get back in the ring.

Sound familiar?  Why do kids find the most vulnerable parts of our bodies to accidentally hit, kick, and poke?  Why do we subject ourselves to non-accidental hitting, kicking and poking (also known as roughhousing)?

Bonding.  Not much different than a hug, kiss or reassuring touch.

My son loves to cuddle and watch TV.  He wants his back scratched at bedtime.  He will snuggle up while I read a book to him and just as quickly body-slam me and beg to wrestle.

He does this because touch makes connections and bonds.  We have all read stories about babies in orphanages who do not receive adequate touch from adults suffering from physical ailments, suppressed neurodevelopment, and emotional problems.

We also know, as men, women tend to be better at touch.  You may be an outlier, but, in general, men have room to improve in this area.

So, does your kid respond to touch?  Does your kid pester you, poke you, prod you?  Could he be looking for physical contact or physical reassurance?

Take a moment to consider the ways you engage in physical touch with your kid.  It could be roughhousing, tickling, or hugging.  It could be none of those.

Again, I commend to you Dr. Gary Chapman’s book – The Five Love Languages of Children – which explores the subject of physical touch and even provides an assessment tool to discover how highly it ranks for your kid.  As an aside, if you use the above link to order the book, I will receive a small portion of the sale which helps to offset the cost of running this blog…and is much appreciated!

Over the next few days, pay attention to how you use physical touch with your kid.  Does a hug, kiss on the head or a tickle fight change how you interact, improve his mood, or strengthen your relationship?  Do you struggle with even remembering to show physical affection to your kid?  Do you fall into the category of guy who just wishes there was a woman around to do the hugging and cuddling?

When mom is not around on a consistent basis to supply physical touch to your kid, you need to fill those shoes.

What benefit have you found when you show affection or engage in physical touch with your kid?  

 

“T’s” Of Single Fatherhood – Time

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No quote from Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle” in this blog post.  As a full-time single father, you have already committed to spending time with your kids.  Lots of time.  In fact, you may feel a bit of guilt when you wish you could get a break.

You give your kids an incredibly valuable gift with that time.  No matter what happened to get you to this place, you now have primary responsibility for them and will spend a large portion of your non-working hours being dad.

Photo Credit: Busy Chris via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Busy Chris via Compfight cc

Young children require greater and more intense attention.  Feedings, diapers, baths, reading, playing, more diapers, and more feedings – just tapping those words out on my keyboard reminded me how exhausting those years were.  You may have help, but when you have those kids alone your time is consumed.

When you change diapers, older potty trained kids seem easier.  Seem is the operative word.

Intuitively, we all know parenting requires lots of time.  We all know time invested in a relationship nurtures and grows it.  So, it would seem parenting – especially if you parent the majority of the time – would result in awesome relationships with your kids.

Again, seem is the operative word.

I have spent time with my son and squandered time with my son.  I have been present with my son and I have been in the same room as my son.  I have listened to my son and I have been aware some creature was chattering somewhere in the room while I responded to an email.  You get the idea.

We would not function if every moment of every day involved deep levels of intimate communication and attention to our kids.  They would go crazy, too!  But, we can begin to identify those moments we can leverage and allow for deep connection.

I wrote about the value of a bedtime ritual – intimate and quality time.  I suggested we pay attention to their prompting for your time and presence, even if it involves a cartoon.

We have been given time with our kids – something we should thank God for.  So, let’s handle the time well.  Give this a try:

  • If your kids are too young to effectively communicate, write down two ways you can have quality time with your kids each day and do them.  This could include anything from 10-15 minutes of focused play time at morning and at night, to reading, to going for a walk, or to throwing a ball.  Discover what your kids enjoy and what they enjoy doing with you…and do it.
  • If your kids are older, ask them to tell you two things they like doing with you.  Then do those things on a consistent basis.

How do you spend quality time with your kids?  What benefits have you seen?  What gets in the way of spending quality time with them?

Single Fatherhood And The Letter “T”

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This past week will stand out in my memory.  Had a great time with my son on Veterans Day, went on a business trip with a favorite client, saw many old friends, made new friends, and got engaged on Saturday.

So, technically, I will not qualify as a full-time dad much longer.  But this blog will continue as long as I can provide content of value to you.  Plus, every post seems to help me (and some married dads) parent a little better – remind me of some things forgotten or neglected.

Photo Credit: B Tal via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: B Tal via Compfight cc

Reserving the right to interrupt the upcoming series should something pertinent come along, I plan to take the next several weeks to address what I call the T’s of single fatherhood.  Yes, they can apply to all fathers, but we face some unique challenges and have some incredible opportunities I would like to explore with respect to these words:

  • Time
  • Touch
  • Teach
  • Train
  • Talk
  • Truth
  • Trust
  • Therapy
  • Thank
  • Thrive
  • Transform
  • Tailor

I look forward to a great conversation ahead – please join me.

Do you have a suggested “T” word to add to this list?

 

 

Make Sure Your Kids Celebrate Their Mom’s Birthday

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My son spends both my birthday and my ex’s birthday with me.  He is young enough to have limited ability or interest to keep track of any more than his birthday, Christmas, and whether or not it is Friday so he does not have to go to school the next day.

I felt badly waking up on my birthday this year and casually telling my son what day it was.  He felt badly he did not know and gave me a big hug.

Photo Credit: Robots are Stupid via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Robots are Stupid via Compfight cc

We do not have family in town to remind him to make me a card (no glitter please…I hate that stuff) or wake me up to a cheery rendition of “Happy Birthday” at the crack of dawn.  And I am OK with that, although I am sure there is a better way.

But what to do with my ex’s birthday?  Despite the physical and emotional distance between the two of us, making sure my son knows about her birthday and making sure he sends a card and speaks with her must be a priority.

I have no interest in spending money on my ex, but the cost of a card or supplies to make a card (including glitter if he wants to send her some) is worth every penny.  Me reminding him about mom’s birthday allows him to connect with her and not feel tension he may experience at other times.  It helps maintain an emotional connection and allows for positive interaction between the two of them.

So, here is what I recommend:

  • Set a calendar reminder about one week before your ex’s birthday.  That gives you enough time to go with your kid to pick out a card or gather the supplies to make one for her.
  • Do not dictate the message.  Let the card be 100 percent from your kid – mom’s know what words are theirs and which ones are yours.
  • Make sure your kid calls or FaceTimes mom on her birthday.  Let him know you recognize it is an important day – just like his and yours.

You will see benfits to doing this:

  • You will gain trust with your kid.  He understands something painful happened between you and mom, and knows you actively engage him with significant events in mom’s life.
  • You may see improved co-parenting because this fosters trust and appreciation with your ex.  Can’t hurt…might help.
  • You may encourage reciprocal actions on the part of your ex.

We all need to heal from our divorces.  Holding on to anger and disappointment does not allow for healing.  Channeling our anger through our kids harms everyone, so find a way to have them acknowledge and celebrate important events in your ex’s life.

How do you celebrate your birthday with your kids?

FaceTime, Your Ex, And Your Kid

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Depending on your parenting agreement (and probably the age of your kid), you may have a regular schedule for communication between your ex and your kid.  You may also have received input from a therapist or parenting coordinator for building some regularity and consistency into that communication.

For a time, my son (in kindergarten at the time) and my ex spoke via Skype every day at 6pm.  Because of certain technological constraints, we had to be at the house each day at the appointed time – not always an easy or convenient task.  But it came at a crucial time where the regular vocal and visual connection made a difference.  I do not have scientific data or double-blind placebo tests to prove anything, but I know my son benefited from the time with his mom.

Fast forward a few years and my son and my ex communicate differently.  Between FaceTime on his iPad, texting on his iPad, and phone calls with my phone – they find their own groove.

What advice would I give you with respect to facilitating communication between your kid and your ex?

Assuming there is no legal or therapeutic guidance to restrict communication, here are three thoughts:

Never force your kid to speak to mom.  While your intention to ensure keeping to a schedule promotes consistency, your kid may have the occasional off-day.  If you force conversation, it could make it seem like a punishment.  Instead, you may try informing your ex about the circumstance and also encourage your child to send a text message, pose for a picture you could send her, or write a note/draw a picture you could scan and email.  You will know if your kid uses this as manipulation, but my recollection is my son had the occasional day he just did not want to talk and did not make it a habit.

Remind your kid to reach out to mom.  As kids age they get caught up with friends, homework, hobbies, and any number of distractions.  Make a point to ask if they’ve spoken or texted with mom lately.  Not only does this promote connectedness between mom and kid, but it also communicates you care about their relationship.

Do not eavesdrop.  Many court-ordered parenting agreements already require privacy, but sometimes, with mobile devices and the normal course of walking through the house to do everything you have to do, you will hear parts and pieces of the conversation between kid and mom.  Do your best to minimize and give them privacy.

You have been given the gift of custody of your kids, and the emotion linked to your ex can be strong.  I encourage you to take a step back from those emotions and make sure you appropriately nurture as positive a relationship between kid and mom as possible – I believe your kid will benefit.  I have seen it in my son.  If you have a question about it, ask a counselor, parenting coordinator, or your lawyer.  It never hurts to get a second opinion from a neutral party.

What suggestions do you have to promote healthy communication between your kid and your ex?

Surviving Halloween

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October 31, 2014 marks the fifth Halloween since becoming a single dad.  Once again, I am not quite prepared and only have a few days to go.

We have not yet carved pumpkins or spread fake spider webs all over the front porch.  Fortunately, my mom sent a second-hand costume to my son and I avoided going to the Halloween superstores occupying those vacant big box stores across Phoenix.  In my defense, my son asked specifically to wear his cousin’s old costume.

Over these years, two things have helped me survive the sugar-infused holiday and may help you.

Invite the Candy Witch to your house.  This woman has single-handedly made Halloween awesome (and I do not even remember who gave me this idea to appropriately express thanks and give credit).  Here is the deal – much like the Tooth Fairy, the Candy Witch visits homes when kids sleep.  She whisks away candy and leaves behind another treat.  Could be money, could be an Xbox game, could be just about anything without high fructose corn syrup.

As a bonus, the Candy Witch allows kids to keep up to ten pieces of candy from their Halloween booty, so they get the best of both worlds.  It may cost me a few dollars, but saves both of us from having piles of candy around the house.  And my coworkers do not seem to mind the fun size M&Ms and Snickers arriving at the office after Halloween.

Find a block party to attend.  We have spent each of the past four Halloweens at one of two block parties, complete with pot lucks and group trick-or-treating.  Both adults and kids have a great time and you get off the hook from having to hand out candy at your own house.  To find one, ask other parents from school.  The cost of admission rarely involves more than making some chili or bringing some glow-sticks.  My son has not quite decided what he wants to do this year…he thinks scaring trick-or-treaters coming to our house might be fun, but has not issued the final verdict.

Do you have a favorite Halloween hack?