Category Archives: Parenting

What Every Single Dad Needs To Know About Discipline

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Photo Credit: eric_maniac via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: eric_maniac via Compfight cc

You know the drill. Before a business negotiation you and your partner decide which one will be the good cop and which one will be the bad cop.  Some have it down to a science…and then there is me.

I have a tough time being a bad cop – something about being a people-pleaser and watching too much Andy Griffith Show growing up.

I relate to Alan Arkin as the precinct captain in “So I Married an Axe Murderer” who struggles to find his tough cop voice.

Many of us remember the infamous line from our childhood, “Just wait until your father gets home!”  Cliche, but pretty accurate.  Dad was the enforcer and mom was more of the compassionate cop you could go to after the fireworks (or the belt strap).

I do not want to suggest healthy parenting requires parents to be good cops and bad cops on some rotating basis to keep the rugrats obedient.

As single-fathers we know it’s way more nuanced.  You and your kids are in this position because something tough happened.  You may all be in counseling trying to deal with the pain, guilt, sorrow, anger and trauma.  Talking about emotions and feelings has become more comfortable, or at least something you’re working on.

You and I are both enforcer and refuge.  Disciplinarian and comforter.

I have figured out it’s pretty much impossible to play both roles, so I have had to refine my view of how to approach discipline.  Volumes of leather-bound books have been written on every side of the “how to” discipline, but we need to examine the bigger picture first.

Here is what I am learning about disciplining without a spouse:

1 – What you say goes.  Your kid doesn’t have anyone else to turn to (maybe even manipulate) when it comes to rules and discipline.  Remember the power and finality of your words before you speak them.  They can easily build up and teach or tear down and drive away.

2 – Establish clear boundaries, rules, consequences, and expectations.  I have lots of room to improve in this area – mainly on the consequence side of things.  The consequences I impose on my son for the same action have varied based on the kind of day I had.  Not a good strategy.  This point deserves more discussion in a future post, but in the meantime I recommend “Boundaries With Kids” by Dr. Henry Cloud – an excellent resource.

[NOTE] This February I had the privilege of hearing John Cotton Richmond speak at Donald Miller’s Storyline Conference.  He gave an excellent presentation on parenting and the rules in the Richmond household.  Keep your eyes open for him and any speaking he does in your community – very inspiring and full of wisdom.

3 – Clear communication maintains the relationship.  If we are clear with our kids, set boundaries, and demonstrate love consistently, they will instinctively know we love them even when we have to correct them.  Parent after parent confirm this through their life experiences: children want the safety and security of rules and boundaries.  My son does not love the correction, but he understands I love him unconditionally so the sting isn’t so bad.  I don’t have to turn around and take him out for ice cream after taking away a privilege so he knows I still love him.

I want my son to know I discipline him because I love him and set boundaries with consequences because I want the best for him.  That’s the bottom line.

Let’s leave the good cop/bad cop shtick to screenwriters.

What lessons have you learned about disciplining your kids?  Leave a comment below.

4 Ideas to Improve Your Bedtime Ritual

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At the ripe old age of “I’m almost 10” it happened.  My son has asked me to stop laying down with him at bedtime.  He’s a big boy now and it’s time to go to bed alone despite all the zombies outside his window and a forecast for a 50 percent chance of sharknados.

But I’m still in control.  I inform him I will be laying down for a moment to read to him, scratch his back for 10 seconds, and say our prayers.  I confidently assure him it will be quick and painless and I’ll be out of the room in no time.

Rewind four years to when we started this discipline.

I’m thankful for lots of great advice from professional psychologists who worked with me and my son during our transition to a single-parent home.  To a person, they instructed me to maintain and improve upon his bedtime ritual to both provide comfort and promote a strong emotional connection.

His primary therapist insisted recreational book reading happen in bed because, in her experience, it enhances the emotional connection between parent and child.  An added benefit I discovered was an overall easier time falling asleep because of the consistent and safe routine.

So, here are four things I’ve learned about bedtime:

* Bedtime stories (not associated with school) need to be read in bed.  It’s a safe and comforting place to bond during reading.  This, somehow, enhances emotional bonds between father and child.  I don’t understand and don’t have any metrics to prove anything for certain, but I know my son’s emotional state was stable when I did this consistently.  He had his moments (and me mine), but it must have helped.

* Just suck it up and scratch their back.  After a long day (still anticipating folding laundry and doing dishes before I could turn in) the last thing I wanted to do was lay in some awkward position and scratch my son’s back while propping up my arm on a pillow so it didn’t fall asleep.  But I knew it mattered.  A lot.  Touch is so important with our kids and a lot of us dads forget.  So just do it.  Scratch their backs and give them a good night kiss.

* Invite questions and conversation.  Your kid will benefit from being in an emotionally safe place where they feel connected with you because they will be more likely to share their feelings and engage in some amazing conversations.  Depending on your circumstance, your kid may experience some deep hurt, fear, and guilt – what can it hurt to let them know you welcome their questions or want find out what’s on their mind?

(DISCLAIMER)  I have tried the question thing with mixed results.  I told him he could ask me anything and I would answer honestly…even if my response was “I don’t know” or “we will need to talk about that when you’re older” or “that is a grown-up issue between your mom and me.”  He occasionally pressed to get details about our divorce, but I stuck to my script (more on this concept to come in another post).  Sometimes he said he didn’t have any questions or want to talk.  That’s fine – it’s an invitation, not a requirement.

* If something has to get done before you go to bed, try to get it knocked out before the bedtime ritual.  Your day probably began 15-16 hours before it’s time to lay down with your child.  You will, occasionally, fall asleep.  You will barely function after your brief, pre-bedtime nap.  As they get older, this gets more important because their bedtime is closer to yours.

Connection with our kids keeps coming back to communication, time and touch.  So, invest some energy into your bedtime ritual.  It will make a difference.

If you miss a night here and there, don’t worry about it – just be as consistent as you can and know it will pay dividends.

As for me, I’m going to get this bedtime ritual in as long as I can, even though it’s abbreviated.  Plus, you never know when a sharknado will strike.

Learning to sit down

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I don’t even remember exactly what I was doing. Probably laundry.  Maybe something more frivolous, like gathering trash from around the house to take to the curb for Tuesday garbage pickup.  Who knows.

What I remember very clearly was my son sitting alone on the couch with his favorite stuffed animal and blanket.  He was winding down.  Homework was done.  Teeth brushed.  He even flossed.  He was occupied and I could get stuff done.

Photo Credit: treefell via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: treefell via Compfight cc

He was watching something – probably Phineas and Ferb (one of my personal favorites), but he wanted company – he wanted dad to sit and pay attention to him.

“DAD!  Please sit with me.”  

He didn’t use many words, but they had an impact.  I immediately thought to myself, “but I have to get all these chores done, when will I do them if not now?”

Fortunately, some additional synapses fired immediately after that thought.  My son just asked me to sit down next to him, to pay attention to him, to put my arm around him and cuddle with him.  He was giving me permission to quit doing chores and sit and watch TV with him…to join him in his world.  I’m glad I did.

Time, touch, and attention.  We both needed it, and a child’s need for those should always trump a chore you can do later.

Welcome to Full-Time Dad

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“Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .’” – C.S. Lewis

I’ve been thinking about this project for a long time.  Putting words to paper (or characters to word processor) has never been difficult for me, but in this instance it has been met with resistance every step of the way.

Partly because of my failures:
I failed my marriage.
I failed my son.
I failed in my parenting.
I failed my own convictions.

I fail to see why I have any right to write any words about what I’m endeavoring to do.

However, failure (depending on how one handles it) brings a level of qualification to talk about a matter.  In my case, recognizing circumstances for what they are and actively seeking answers, wisdom, therapy, and community to move forward as a full-time, single dad.

Also, through a great community of support, I discovered my failures aren’t much different than those others have experienced.  No two stories are alike, but the similarities are shocking if you risk having the conversation.

 

Photo Credit: pasukaru76 via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: pasukaru76 via Compfight cc

 

I do not have sole custody of my son, but I do have residential custody during the school year.  As a professional, I have joined the ranks of countless women and men who have juggled work and home without the consistent aid of any partner.  And in many respects I have it easy – I just have one son…not two or three or more.  Plus, when he goes to visit my ex-wife on several occasions during the year, including an eight-week stint during the summer, I have the opportunity to catch my breath even though I miss him dearly.

To a certain extent, the name of this blog doesn’t even reflect my reality.  I’m not really a “full-time” single dad by strict definition.  But I’ve discovered most circumstances vary wildly with no two of my friends having the same situation in their full-time or part-time single parenting.

So, what do I hope to accomplish with this blog?

  • I want to help dads, like me, who weren’t sure where to turn when life hit them square in the face.
  • I want to provide helpful content to dads who have become the primary parent to their kid(s).
  • I want to share lessons I’ve learned and mistakes I’ve made.
  • I want to connect us with others who have expertise to share from their own experience or their professional life.
  • I want to be surprised by what could happen next.

One of the heroes of my faith is C.S. Lewis.  He said “Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .’”

The fact is we’re all is this together and have so much to learn from each other.  I look forward to the journey, friend, and can’t wait to see where it leads us.