Category Archives: Parenting

FLASHBACK – What Every Single Dad Needs To Know About Discipline

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Photo Credit: eric_maniac via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: eric_maniac via Compfight cc

You know the drill. Before a business negotiation you and your partner decide which one will be the good cop and which one will be the bad cop.  Some have it down to a science…and then there is me.

I have a tough time being a bad cop – something about being a people-pleaser and watching too much Andy Griffith Show growing up.

I relate to Alan Arkin as the precinct captain in “So I Married an Axe Murderer” who struggles to find his tough cop voice.

Many of us remember the infamous line from our childhood, “Just wait until your father gets home!”  Cliche, but pretty accurate.  Dad was the enforcer and mom was more of the compassionate cop you could go to after the fireworks (or the belt strap).

I do not want to suggest healthy parenting requires parents to be good cops and bad cops on some rotating basis to keep the rugrats obedient.

As single-fathers we know it’s way more nuanced.  You and your kids are in this position because something tough happened.  You may all be in counseling trying to deal with the pain, guilt, sorrow, anger and trauma.  Talking about emotions and feelings has become more comfortable, or at least something you’re working on.

You and I are both enforcer and refuge.  Disciplinarian and comforter.

I have figured out it’s pretty much impossible to play both roles, so I have had to refine my view of how to approach discipline.  Volumes of leather-bound books have been written on every side of the “how to” discipline, but we need to examine the bigger picture first.

Here is what I am learning about disciplining without a spouse:

1 – What you say goes.  Your kid doesn’t have anyone else to turn to (maybe even manipulate) when it comes to rules and discipline.  Remember the power and finality of your words before you speak them.  They can easily build up and teach or tear down and drive away.

2 – Establish clear boundaries, rules, consequences, and expectations.  I have lots of room to improve in this area – mainly on the consequence side of things.  The consequences I impose on my son for the same action have varied based on the kind of day I had.  Not a good strategy.  This point deserves more discussion in a future post, but in the meantime I recommend “Boundaries With Kids” by Dr. Henry Cloud – an excellent resource.

[NOTE] This February I had the privilege of hearing John Cotton Richmond speak at Donald Miller’s Storyline Conference.  He gave an excellent presentation on parenting and the rules in the Richmond household.  Keep your eyes open for him and any speaking he does in your community – very inspiring and full of wisdom.

3 – Clear communication maintains the relationship.  If we are clear with our kids, set boundaries, and demonstrate love consistently, they will instinctively know we love them even when we have to correct them.  Parent after parent confirm this through their life experiences: children want the safety and security of rules and boundaries.  My son does not love the correction, but he understands I love him unconditionally so the sting isn’t so bad.  I don’t have to turn around and take him out for ice cream after taking away a privilege so he knows I still love him.

I want my son to know I discipline him because I love him and set boundaries with consequences because I want the best for him.  That’s the bottom line.

Let’s leave the good cop/bad cop shtick to screenwriters.

What lessons have you learned about disciplining your kids?  Leave a comment below.

This post originally appeared in August, 2014

Finding Balance As A Single Dad

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A few weeks ago I wrote about the idea of recharging…especially during a time when you may not have your kids in your custody.  For me, I have those times up to 10 weeks of the year, with summertime being the longest stretch of eight weeks.

The first time I had an extended time away from my son, my reactions were easy to anticipate – fear, anger, sadness.  You know, the unpleasant emotions.  I was sending my son across the country to spend the summer with my ex.  The wounds of divorce and the pangs of guilt were fresh.

Photo Credit: congdongthongtincom via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: congdongthongtincom via Compfight cc

Over time, the sting of those negative emotions has diminished and been replaced with the realization about how much cooking, cleaning and laundry I do when my son is with me!  So, the “new normal” of a long stretch of time without my son has become familiar and far less stressful.

If you have similar circumstances or have a 5-2-2-5 or every-other-week custody arrangement, what do you do with those long stretches of time without your kids?  How do you recharge and stay healthy so you are ready to be the single parent again?

Just over a year ago, I began a journey to help me better understand how to approach life in a healthy way.  Long story short, I began a mentoring relationship with a remarkable man after we met at Donald Miller’s Storyline Conference in San Diego in 2014.

Wes is the founder and Chief Creative Officer of Leadership Design Group – an organization focused on developing men to view life in a balanced and multi-dimensional way.

You can check out their website for more detail, but I love the way LDG challenges us to look at our lives in eight dimensions and encourages us to seek a healthy balance between each of them.

8 Dimensions_Octagon_(c)So, for a start, look at the detailed descriptions of a healthy, balanced life (see the detailed description on their website when you put your cursor over each symbol).  If you are like me, you can pretty quickly determine where you need to spend some time recharging/reorienting/repurposing.

For me, I needed to focus on the physical aspect, and I spent some time dialing in my diet and attempting to exercise consistently.  Physical fitness helped me parent better.

Taking a few minutes to look at the dimensions and asking yourself what needs some attention is a great first step to recharging and preparing to be the best parent possible.

So, take a minute and do it now.  And maybe consider what it could look like to have a mentor in your life…maybe an older, wiser dad or single dad.

Which of the eight dimensions could use some attention today?  What simple steps could you take to address an imbalance?

Father’s Day Without My Son

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Before I get to today’s post, I would like to ask each of you to think about two or three single dads, whether they are full-time or have joint custody, who might benefit from being part of this community and discussion.  Please forward this or just the link to Full-Time Dad and do two things: 1) encourage them as single dads, and 2) ask them to subscribe and give input in this community.  Thanks for doing that and for taking the time each week to read – it means the world to me.

Now, on to the post…

Our custody arrangement always has my son with me on Mother’s Day and with my ex on Father’s Day.  And as much as I say Father’s Day is just a Hallmark money maker…I need to be honest and say it means more to me and being without him kind of sucks.  I know it also sucks for my ex.

Based on what he says, my son also wishes he could be with the appropriate parent on the appropriate day.

Photo Credit: Phil_Bird via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Phil_Bird via Compfight cc

If we were together on Father’s Day, we might take to the waves , go fishing, see a movie, take a hike in the mountains, or just chill out at home.  Instead, we had a phone call (his iPad is not functioning well, so no FaceTime) and a few text messages.  And due to some commitments at church, I did not travel to Tucson to see my dad.

Two dads without their sons on Father’s Day.

I posted a picture of my son, my dad and me on Facebook yesterday morning – and promptly got a lump in my throat.  I truly love each of them and want to be the best son and best father I can be.

So, what does a son-less father do on Father’s Day apart from having the brief, telephonic chat?

I gave thanks for my son.

I gave thanks for my dad.

I looked at some photos with both my son and my dad.

I thought about this community of dads (and a few moms) who I get to share these moments with, and know I am not the only parent who misses his kid when circumstances are not what we ever expected them to be.

Thank you for letting me get this off my chest this week.

I hope your Father’s Day reminded you to appreciate the honor we have to be dads.

Have you ever spent Father’s Day without your dad or kids?  What was your take-away from the experience?  No big deal?  A little guilt?  Or, “quit bugging me, the US Open is on”?

Recharging Dad

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I got my son an awesome gift for Christmas.  In fact, I want one, too.

When he unwrapped the Traxxas Slash, I do not know which of us was more excited.  This remote controlled car not only can hit 30 MPH, but can take a beating – a beating only a 10-year-old can dish out.

Photo Credit: Lorenzo F10 via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Lorenzo F10 via Compfight cc

As you can imagine, the battery is the weak link.  The seven cell battery pack can last up to 25 minutes.  That is unless my son drives it – he does not go any speed other than full throttle and full stop.

Being a single dad feels like being at full throttle or full stop most of the time.  Full stop pretty much comes when you sleep.  Full throttle is the rest of your waking hours.

OK, maybe I exaggerate, but you get the idea.

As I have mentioned, my son spends the summer months with my ex in another state, so I have the perfect opportunity to recharge my batteries.

But I have one problem…I am not always sure how to recharge.

Do I recharge by binge watching Daredevil?  Do I spend eight weeks at the gym?  Do I read the 18-inch high stack of books I have ignored on my nightstand?  Do I reconnect with old friends I do not see often?

Many guys have trouble figuring out what they need to recharge.  In the coming weeks, I want to explore what it looks like for me and maybe help you to maximize those moments.

What do “recharge” moments look like for you?

Sex, Drugs, Violence And Dirty Words

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My son and I sat down to watch a classic movie with a PG rating – Beetlejuice.  

Photo Credit: Muotoilla * via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Muotoilla * via Compfight cc

I had fond memories of the 1988 movie – the Tim Burtonesque feel, the comic genius of Michael Keaton, and the Banana Boat Song.  And it was not even a PG-13 film like Iron Man or The Avengers – both of which he saw and I had no problem with.

I had forgotten a few critical scenes, words, and concepts my son might not have been ready to take in.  I had forgotten a PG rating in the 1980s could be just this side of an R rating.  Watching it again, I wonder if Beetlejuice should have been rated PG-13.

I began talking with other dads about this.  There was the one who showed his son The Bad News Bears having forgotten about the amount of language and drinking in that PG film.

We have also talked about our tendency, especially with our boys, to afford more leniency with violence than we do sex and nudity.  How can we show them Braveheart and The Patriot because of the overarching story and message and turn our heads at the brutality, violence and blood?

I have another friend who will allow for a moderate level of violence in the media his son consumes, but draws the line when the story involves the mistreatment and disrespect of women.  But even those story lines can provide great opportunity for conversation about the consequences of being a jerk toward women.

So, what is the right answer?  Do we let the Motion Picture Association of America decide what our kids can watch based on their age and MPAA guidelines?  Do we say “no” to everything with adult content?  Do we shelter our kids as long as we can?

I do not have all the answers and, frankly, have quite a few questions.

Even if I censor the content at home, my son still goes to school, still visits friends (with older siblings), still rides in the car and sees billboards for local adult boutiques and Captain Morgan Rum.

I want to hear what you think, but here is my attempt to develop some boundaries:

  • Stay engaged in your kids’ lives and know what media they consume.  This seems like the first, logical step.  Ignorance is not bliss.
  • Educate yourself on the content they want to consume.  I routinely use sites like IMDB, Kids-In-Mind, and Common Sense Media to get reviews and recommendations about the content my son consumes.  He usually knows which films I will say “no” to, but often I need more information – especially if I have not seen it before and want a sense about what he will see.  Some of the sites even give you topics to discuss following the movie.
  • They probably know what you watch, so do not be surprised if they think the same content is OK for them.  In the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do category, our kids take cues from us, so if you do not want them watching horror movies, you may want to reconsider your Friday the 13th movie marathon.  They can see the “recently watched” shows on Netflix just like you can.
  • Engage in the discussion with your kids.   I remember watching a movie called Phantasm at a friend’s house when I was in late elementary or early junior high.  For whatever reason, I could barely go get the mail in broad daylight for several days after seeing it.  I was just waiting for the Tall Man to jump out from behind a tree or show up behind me when I looked in a mirror.  I have told my son about that experience, and it may have tempered his desire to watch a horror movie…for the time being.  Be honest about why you set boundaries on the movies they watch and let it be a conversation, not just a lecture.

What limits have you set on movie/TV content for your kids?  How do you approach the subject with them?

Long Distance Parenting

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And so it begins.

As discussed last week, my son left my home to spend eight-weeks of the summer with his mom.  I managed to subdue emotions when I took him, mainly because the flight departed at 5:05am and we had to wake up at 3:15am.

Enroute to a meeting later in the day, I watched an American Airlines 737 take off from the airport and the sight prompted tears as the reality set in.

But parenting continues…just in a different way.

Photo Credit: joancolomer via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: joancolomer via Compfight cc

Shortly after settling into his summer home, he learned of an illness in the family.  For a dad who wanted to comfort his son in person, the physical distance between us seemed to multiply by 10x.  He sent me a text with the crying emoji.  You will never guess what it triggered for me.

My take away from this fresh experience, while simple, serves as foreshadowing for what is to come.  I will not always physically be with my son in the difficult time.  I will not always physically be with him in the amazing times.

But he will carry with him my parenting, the lessons I teach him, the hugs I give him, the time I spend with him, and even the fumbles I make – which reminds me of the importance of the moments I do have with him.

Whether you have sole custody or joint custody, how do you negotiate long distance parenting?  What has been one of your “lessons learned”?

Saying Goodbye To My Son

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In a few days, I will walk my son down to the American Airlines gate and say goodbye to him for the summer.  The time has come for his annual, eight-week summer visitation with my ex.

Photo Credit: Roberto Trm via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Roberto Trm via Compfight cc

For nearly five years, I have traveled with him each time he flew, but this year he will fly alone at his request.  The airline charges an additional $300 round trip to accommodate him, and he will have someone with him at all times while negotiating the gate changes.  But it is a milestone nonetheless.

I have a love/hate relationship with this particular visit to see his mom.

I love the opportunity to catch my breath, to do a little less laundry, to read a little more, and to catch up with some friends I do not often see.

I hate not having him near, not playing with him, not tucking him into bed, not hanging out with my son for two months.

I know he wants and needs time with his mom, and understand how critically important it is for him to connect with maternal grandparents and relatives beyond phone calls or FaceTime sessions.

I know I will soon be the one on the other end of the phone or iPad for those brief moments to talk and tell each other what we have been doing during the summer.

I know how quickly eight weeks can fly by, but also know how long the walk will be from the American Airlines gate to my truck in the garage.  I know I will cry.

You may face a similar circumstance this summer or at some point – a time when you have to say goodbye to your kids so they can be with your ex or with her family.

During these times, consider the following:

Your kids did not choose this separation from their mom and they long for that connection.  Do not let those natural feelings they may share with you intimidate or make you feel like less of a father.

Allow your kids to be with their mom without guilt.  If we try to manipulate our kids so they will want to be with us instead of mom, it will backfire.  Again, I do not have a double-blind placebo study to back up that statement, but common sense tells me it is true.

Ask your kids how you should communicate with them while they are away.  I have made it a practice to ask my son how often he would like me to call or FaceTime.  In the past, I have smothered him, but learned over time the value of finding a balance with him.  Each child will have different communication needs, so let them tell you what they desire and find a balance.

When you walk by their empty bedrooms, express gratitude for being a dad.  When your kids return home, your grateful attitude will help ease their potentially rocky transition.

I can’t wait for you to come back home, son.

How do you prepare for an extended time away from your kids?  How do you prepare them for an extended time away?

Laundry Sucks

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Strolling through the house, I see one black sock, inside out, peeking out from underneath the couch.  Its mate rests underneath the TV remote across the room.

Two pair of gym shorts, both clean enough to wear again, sit in a pile on the bathroom floor.

I will not even waste words on what the floor of his closet looks like.

Photo Credit: darksock2004 via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: darksock2004 via Compfight cc

As the dutiful dad, I used to walk through the house, pick up his clothes (he was pretty young), throw them all in the laundry basket, and wash them whether they needed it or not.  The path of least resistance.

It did not take long for a primal instinct to rise up from within.  I hated doing laundry and I had to change the paradigm.  I spent too much of my time finding socks, hanging school uniform shirts, soaking dirty pants, and washing all of them.  Not to mention my own clothes.

This single dad took a new approach to laundry.

  1. Get rid of the front loader/HE washer.  I admit front loader washing machines look cool.  They save on water.  They use less energy.  But, for me, they made doing laundry more frustrating due to the long wash cycles.  I have owned both and found the top loader to better fit my needs.  You can do more laundry, more quickly with a top loader.
  2. Work out your laundry schedule.  Depending on how many kids you have, you might face a small mountain of laundry each and every day.  Maybe you have school uniforms or work uniforms needing constant laundering.  You might enjoy spending your entire Saturday doing laundry and chores around the house.  Maybe you just want to do three or four smaller loads on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.  Maybe your electric utility plan dictates when you do your laundry.  Maybe you go to a laundromat and do your entire week’s worth of laundry in just a few hours.  Whatever the case, like your financial budget, figure out your typical needs, establish a schedule, and stick to it as best you can.
  3. Photo Credit: Chiew Pang via Compfight cc

    Photo Credit: Chiew Pang via Compfight cc

    Teach your kids how to care for clothes.  Take the time to teach your kids, from an early age, how to determine when clothes should go into the dirty bin or when they could be worn again.  Boys typically resonate with the sniff test, so give it try.  Instruct them to turn their clothes…especially socks…right-side-out before putting in the dirty laundry bin.  Remind them it takes water and time to do laundry, so they need to be respectful of how many times they change clothes unnecessarily during the day.

  4. Have an extra set of sheets/mattress pad.  You never know what might happen at night from bed wetting to vomit to Spot jumping on it after running through the mud.  In those cases, having an extra set of sheets can save you from an unexpected visit to the laundry room.
  5. Wash towels and rugs separately.  Once I washed the bathroom rug with some regular clothes.  I spent the following spring taking little white balls of cotton off of all the clothes.  I think they call them pills, and they are bitter.
  6. Bring your kids into the experience.  If said with the right tone of voice and right attitude, you can invite your kids to help you do laundry.  Maybe it becomes an over-and-above chore in exchange for a few extra minutes of electronics time.  They should learn the basics of laundering, folding, hanging, and putting in drawers.  Maybe it will encourage them to think and be more responsible with their clothes.

So, am I the only one who hates laundry?  Any tips you can share?