Category Archives: Parenting

Will You Please Remarry Mom?

When will my kids be ready for me to date again?

Several months after my divorce, my son and I took one of our routine trips to the zoo.  I bought a membership to the Phoenix Zoo because I could take up to three kids, and my son always enjoyed having friends go with him.

But on this particular Saturday, only he and I went.  And as we entered the Savanna, teaming with giraffes and zebras, he asked if mom and I would get married again.

Photo by Jason

Photo by Jason

No matter the circumstance of the divorce and the feelings your ex may stir up inside, having an innocent child ask this question in hopes of the family reuniting and returning to the “old normal” can really turn on the guilt (and sympathy for your kid).

I stared at the giraffe for a few seconds, giving me time to could come up with a wise and comforting answer.

“No, buddy.  We won’t get married again.  Look!  Do you think that poop is from a giraffe or a zebra?”

Not exactly Dr. Phil, but I figured it best to answer and quickly divert.  It worked.

My son had asked the same question several times over the preceding months.  I answered in a similar fashion, trying to be consistent and empathetic: following up the statement with a touch or a hug.

My son (and, frankly, I) had more healing to do before contemplating dating.  Here are a few of those thoughts specifically related to my son:

  • He did not need to know if and when I decided to date.  This may be a function of your kid’s age and maturity, but I saw no reason to bring my son into my dating life.  If I had a date, he had a sitter and just knew dad was going out.  I did not provide details unless he asked, and then I told him I was having dinner with someone he did not know.  Usually, the conversation ended there.
  • When one date turned into multiple dates, I continued to keep it quiet.  Someone gave me some great advice…do not introduce your kid to someone you date (or their kids) until well into the relationship because if it ends, your kid may go through the equivalent of another divorce.  It is possible to have them meet and interact, even on a regular basis, but keep the relationship platonic in front of the kids.  The thrill of dating, especially when it begins to get more serious, can make you want to bring your kid into the relationship to check compatibility and just enjoy everyone being together.  But be sensitive to how your kid will react if it ends – another loss.
  • He needed me to be continue being a dad.  Enjoy dating, but be sure to set aside one-on-one time with your kid every day and make him a top priority.

How have your kids reacted to you dating or getting remarried?  What did you do to break the news?

When Should A Single Dad Start Dating?

As my son and I made the two hour drive from Tucson to Phoenix, I got lost in the music and the monotonous white dotted lines.

Out of the blue, my son startled me by loudly calling “Dad!”

I turned down the music and asked what he wanted.

“I know how you can get a girlfriend.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes,” he declared with all the confidence in the world.  “All you do is go on the computer, type in eHarmony.com and give some pertinent information.  Then they find you a girlfriend.”

Inside, I roared with laughter.  On the outside, I thanked him and told him I was not sure I needed their help, but appreciated his concern and for sharing.  And, of course, I asked him where he heard about eHarmony.

My son informed me of this amazing dating tool about three years after the divorce and after about a year of asking me when I planned to get married again.

Photo Credit: The Grapes of Jason via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: The Grapes of Jason via Compfight cc

I, on the other hand, dated for a short time right after the divorce and then, after realizing I was not ready to date, took some time off to really focus on being a dad.  What my son did not know at the time of his suggestion was I was dating someone at the time – covertly – and chose not to tell him until both she and I decided to tell our kids.

Another story for another day.

Back to the matter at hand, immediately following the divorce, many well-intentioned friends and family wanted the best for me and began suggesting women I could date.  Everyone has a “friend” I should meet.

About the last thing I wanted to do after the divorce was get back into a relationship.  When I started dating someone a few months after the divorce, it became clear after a short time I was not ready.

So, when should a single dad get back in the dating game?  Let me offer a few thoughts:

  • Do not get into dating to medicate or try to fill the void from the loss of your spouse.  You should take some time getting comfortable with yourself and finding contentment with being a single dad.
  • Make sure you have a few close friends and/or family who will give you honest feedback about your readiness.  Maybe even consider some counseling.
  • Take the time to write down what you want in a future spouse and include non-negotiables. This way, once you begin dating, you can refer back to the list and make it harder to settle for less than you and your kids deserve.
  • Do not let others, including your kids, guilt you into dating or make you feel like you should be healed and ready to go.  They probably want the very best for you, and feel free to tell them you are not ready, but thanks for caring.

When, if ever, did you know you were ready to date again following the loss of your spouse?  Did you get pressure to date from friends and family before you were ready?

Life Lessons From Saturday Morning TV

What television show you loved as a kid did not quite live up to the memory when you saw it one night on TV Land?

I have had this experience – especially some of the old Sid and Marty Krofft shows from Saturday morning. What could possibly go wrong with Ruth Buzzi and Jim Nabors as robots piloting a flying saucer? (Yes, I’m that old).

When I was about seven, one show really captured my imagination and provided source material for hours and hours of play with my friends and me. The story involved another boy who stumbled across a secret and was given the power of six immortals – Solomon, Hercules, Atlas, Zeus, Achilles and Mercury. The show was SHAZAM! I not only watched the show, but had the comic books as well.photo-3

Fast forward nearly 40 years and I heard the studio released the show on DVD.

I ordered the series on DVD in 2014 hoping to share a little of my childhood with my son. The package arrived and it only took a moment to look at the jacket art to know this show would probably not age well.

With some trepidation, I put in the first disc, called in my son, and pressed play.

What shocked me was how much he engaged with the show. Yes, he chuckled at some of the “special effects” and did not always understand the cultural references from the early 1970s when the show was filmed, but the stories went deeper.

Today’s superhero movies have amazing special effects, compelling super villains, A-list actors, and reams of source material to draw stories from.

But my son seemed to connect with SHAZAM! because the hero, Captain Marvel, did not fight super villains, but instead interacted with everyday people (mostly kids and teens) facing everyday issues like peer pressure, bullying, not fitting in, and the occasional car thief.

The show addressed issues and questions my son had either asked or could imagine himself asking. The show sparked conversation about why people do bad things and how to make better choices.

We do not have the same conversations after today’s superhero blockbusters – we talk about the big battle scenes or the funny lines.

But following those 25 minute episodes of SHAZAM!, we had some good talks about making good choices, how we treat friends and family, and the consequences of telling what seems like a small, white lie.

I hear DC Comics will make a movie adaptation to be released in 2019 starring The Rock as the super villain (of sorts), Black Adam. Whether or not the movie ever happens, I expect the green screen effects will blow us all away, but I wonder if the story will connect with those important questions our kids ask about everyday life.

What show from your childhood have you shared with your kids? What was the reaction? What source material do you use to assist you in teaching your kids moral tales (Aesop’s Fables and the like)?

Giving Space To Our Kids

At first I thought I heard laughter from my son’s room.  But within seconds I knew first impressions were wrong.

I immediately began to walk down the hall to check on him.  Each step confirmed he was not laughing, but instead crying.  Not the type calling for me to race down the hall because of an injury, but the type calling for gentle, deliberate sympathy or empathy.

Photo Credit: stienman via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: stienman via Compfight cc

He was balled up on his bed with Blanket over him.  Always one for precision, my son named his soft, light green blanket Blanket.

Gently rolling back and forth he cried.

“What’s wrong, bud?”

Nothing.

“Are you okay?”

Through the tears and a little bit of snot, he said, “I miss Mommy.”

Before I could fully develop the words of comfort and encouragement, I said two short sentences.  “Mommy misses you, too.  Would you like some alone time or would you like me to stay?”

Every parent wants their kid to say, “Dad, please stay,” but mine said, “I want to be alone.”

And with a reassuring kiss on the forehead and squeeze on his shoulder, I got up and left with no words but, “Okay.”

For a brief time, his crying got louder, but he seemed to get it out and process the way he wanted to.  Before long, he came out to the kitchen and took a long drink of water.  He walked over to me and hugged my waist.

No words.  Just a hug.

“Dad, can I have a Power Crunch bar?”

He needed a little time and a little space to process emotion himself.  Next time, he may want me there, he may want some words of wisdom or encouragement.  Today, he wanted space.

 

How To Incorporate Fitness Into Your Parenting Routine

Arizonans have the great fortune of mostly great weather from September (fine…October) through May.  Summer gets a little on the hot side, but air conditioning takes the edge off.

Photo Credit: MattB.net via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: MattB.net via Compfight cc

On Saturday, my son and I went trail riding with a buddy and his son.  For just over an hour we biked around the North Mountain trail system, had a blast in perfect weather, and began planning the next outing.

I drove away thinking about how much I despise exercise bikes but love getting outside and doing an activity with my son and our friends.  I also recalled how much fun I had a few summers ago at Core CrossFit where I did a two month stint with some great people and really improved my physical and mental health.  I thought about how my son loves to be thrown in the pool and how much exercise I get launching him and his buddies into the deep end.

I also thought about a post by Mark Sisson – one of my favorite fitness and health gurus – wrote about the importance of play.  In fact, it earns a spot on his definitive guide to primal living.

Why do I mention all this?  Because I suspect, like me, you struggle to find time to train, to lift, to play a pick-up game of basketball or anything.

But, if Mark is right, we can figure out ways to play with our kids and train at the same time.  Maybe we just play a little harder…put our bikes a lower gear…make a game out of throwing those 40-80 pound weights into the deep end and consciously creating a full-body workout.

Some thoughts…

  • Build play time into your routine.  Assuming you raise your kids alone, and assuming they are on the younger side, it goes without saying you should not sneak out before they get up to go to the gym.  Maybe you have the flexibility to stop by the gym after work and before you pick your kids up from their daycare/after-school program.  If not, set aside time two or three times per week to play with them – you can play harder than them to both work up a sweat and strengthen your relationship with them.
  • Use kettlebells at home.  I love my kettlebells.  My son used to call them kettleballs and I’m just immature enough to laugh just thinking about it.  They do not take up much room and you can get a great workout.  My chiropractor recommend them to me years ago and I got hooked.  You can find them at just about any sporting goods store, but I recommend you get them from the master – Pavel Tsatsouline (I have no .
    Photo Credit: pullsh_active via Compfight cc

    Photo Credit: pullsh_active via Compfight cc

    I had the chance to attend a seminar by Pavel several years ago, and he’s the real deal.  His most recent book, by far my favorite, lays out a simple and straightforward way to train efficiently and effectively.  Note: if you have never used kettlebells, please find someone in your area trained in the proper use and go get a one-on-one lesson or attend a class.  If you do not have access to that or do not want to spend a ton of money, check out Steve Cotter’s excellent DVD – he gives about the best training on proper form you could get from a video.

  • Use bodyweight exercises at home.  You cannot beat the cost of doing bodyweight exercises at home.  And you can do them when you only have a few minutes to allocate toward exercise.  Push ups.  Pull ups.  Lunges.  Squats.  Simple.  While this guide can be a little over-the-top in terms of the back story, Convict Conditioning provides a great road map for an effective, measured approach to bodyweight exercises.

and, finally…

  • MovNat.  In 2010, I attended a MovNat workshop in Phoenix.  I, along with about 20 others, spent the day at a park balancing on benches, shimmying up playground equipment, crawling in the grass, learning how to tumble, and generally having an awesome time.  Our instructor was Clifton Harski who kept us in stitches and taught the fundamentals of movement, balance, and having a great time.  My classmates were gym owners, fitness enthusiasts, and people far more flexible and strong than me.  If you sign up for MovNat’s newsletter, you get a weekly email with a type of movement to incorporate into your training – things like climbing techniques, balancing, jumping, throwing.  You could take one of the weekly suggestions and do them with your kids on your play/fitness days.

I struggle to do all of this.  I often want to just sit down and rest.  But I feel better when I move.  I feel better when I get dirty.  I feel better when I can laugh with my son out on a trail.  I feel better knowing I am modeling healthy activity for him.

What is your favorite “fitness” activity with your kids?  What activity would you like to try?

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Tailor

“Shopping for clothes” does not appear in my top 10 list of enjoyable things to do.  Would you believe it does not appear in my top 50?  Believe it.

Photo Credit: eastmidtown via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: eastmidtown via Compfight cc

My work requires dress shirts, and I am one of those guys who cannot find an off-the-rack shirt to fit me well.  Apparently, most men with my neck size and sleeve length have the body frame of a refrigerator.  Even the fitted shirts make me feel a little like Jerry Seinfeld in his pirate shirt.

Back when in my single days, living in DC, I had more disposable income and had some custom shirts made.  Those fit perfectly.  The fine folks at The Custom Shop in Pentagon City Mall measured me and constructed my shirts.  And when a piece of clothing fits perfectly, you feel good and it seems worth the time and money.

Over the past couple months, you have read several “Ts” of single fatherhood.  You may have talked with a counselor, a relative, a friend, another single dad, or a mentor and gotten parenting advice.  You have probably read a book or two on discipline strategies, potty training, how to talk to your kids about s-e-x, or picked up one of the books I have recommended.

Hopefully, no one has claimed a corner on truth or effectiveness.  Each one of us have a unique story about how we got here.  Each one of us have kids from birth to teen, boy and girl, adjusted  and troubled.

Off-the-rack parenting solutions do not always work.  We have the massive challenge of figuring out what works for us and our kids.  And what works during one season of your kid’s life may not work in the next.

Trial and error sucks, but I have not found The Customized Parent shop at any mall…yet.

What I have found is people want single dads to succeed and thrive.  They care about the welfare of our kids and know we could use an encouraging word, a bit of advice, and a heap of grace in parenting.

Our kids also want us to thrive, because they, in turn, will thrive.  If one of the parenting ideas we pulled off-the-rack bellyflops, we need to own it and usually the kids will understand we are trying.

So, keep asking for advice and help.  Keep reading books and blogs.  But realize you may need to adjust the sleeves and bring it in a little.

What parenting advice did you receive and execute that ended up failing?

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Transformation

When The Transformers made their debut in the US, it was 1984 – my freshman year in high school.  Just a little too old for the action figures, I managed to watch the cartoon on occasion.  The novelty of a car or plane transforming into a robot and battling the forces of evil still held appeal to this 14-year-old.

By Avid Liongoren (http://society6.com/avidliongoren)

By Avid Liongoren (http://society6.com/avidliongoren)

My parents never bought me one of the Hasbro action figures (poor me), but several friends had them.  Transforming those toys from the vehicle into the robot seemed simple, but if one of my friends handed me the robot, transforming it back into the vehicle challenged me.  I could not seem to “see” the vehicle and clumsily bent hinges and twisted appendages until something seemed to take form.

Occasionally, I forced an arm or leg in a direction it was not intended to go.  You can imagine the result.

As dads, we want our kids to thrive and succeed as adults.  How do we help them in this transition/transformation?

Forcing them into something we have in our minds could result in breakage.

Our job as dads is to help them discover what vehicle they can become.  How do they engage, how do they learn, and how to they relate to others.

For this, I recommend another resource.  Jenifer Fox wrote “Your Child’s Strengths” – an excellent resource to help identify what makes your kids tick, what stimulates learning, and how they interact with people

Marcus Buckingham, known for his strengths-based approach to personal/professional growth, wrote the forward.  Dr. Fox does a very thorough job of unpacking this concept for kids.  A warning – she unpacks a lot of information, but also provides great tools and resources.

If this passage from the book resonates with you at all, you may want to take heed:

“These days, with parents increasingly pushing their kids to excel and focus earlier, the consequences for children are worrisome.  your child’s strength path is her own.  take notice of her uniqueness and the things she naturally gravitates toward and allow her to explore those in ways that feel positive and comfortable to her.” (“Your Child’s Strengths” page 111)

I cannot wait to see what my son becomes, and hope I do not do anything to force him to become a 1984 Freightliner Semi when he is uniquely designed to become a 1983 Porsche 911 Turbo.

Those are references to Optimus Prime and Jazz in case you’re wondering.

What unique quality – different from one of yours – have you seen in your kids?

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Thrive

I love zombie shows.

As a teen I watched George A. Romero’s Dawn of the Dead and Lucio Fulci’s Zombie.  I was hooked.

Photo Credit: whatsupbuttercup via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: whatsupbuttercup via Compfight cc

Something about those stories connect with me.  I do not subscribe to the notion of a coming zombie apocalypse, I am not a prepper, and I do not have a stockpile of crossbows, guns and knives.

But I connect with the raw notion of survival.  Preservation of life.  My life.  And my kid’s life.

Sticking with the post-apocalyptic theme, Cormac McCarthy’s The Road tells a powerful tale of a father’s deep drive to protect his son.  Survival.

Life as a single dad triggers the survival gene.  We want to protect our kids, and we also want to survive the sometimes-overwhelming experience.

I have a mentoring relationship with a tremendous man of faith and encouragement.  During one of our meetings, he declared to me his desire to see me thrive.  The word hung in the air.  Thrive.

Thrive: grow or develop well, prosper, flourish.

It had been easy for me to accept words of consolation for single parenting.  I let those words put me in a mindset of survival.

My mentor called me to thrive.

The late Maya Angelou said this: “My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”  Parenting – single or not – takes each of those…especially humor.

How do we pivot from surviving to thriving?

Do not live in fear.  Instead teach our kids about growing up, about what it means to be a man or woman, about responsibility, and about making smart choices.  I know I have made enough mistakes to teach and impart wisdom from experience.

Take the time to reflect on your parenting style – do you operate out of survival?  Do you consider the day a success if you did not experience any casualties – even if no one is growing or flourishing?  Sometimes we parent just to get to the next safe harbor and wait for the zombies to catch up with us.

I have been there.  More times than I want to admit.

So, today, I remind you and me to inject some passion, some humor, and some grace into our parenting.   Let’s thrive!

What parts of parenting feel more like surviving than thriving?