Tag Archives: single parenting

One Big Mistake Single Dads Make

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There was the time my son watched 2 straight hours of Ultimate Spider-Man while my fingers pecked away at emails and a memo for a client.

There was the time I forgot about his spelling test the next day and I did not review the words with him.

Stop and think about the times you wish you could hit the redo button with your kids.

Did any involve something you said to them?  Did you exact too harsh a punishment without explanation?  Let them get too close to danger?  Did you mIss an opportunity to have a teachable moment?

All of those might resonate with you (or will resonate one of these days), so what do we do about them?

Live, learn and let go.

We make a big mistake by worrying about our parental missteps and holding on to them.  We must recognize we will stumble and fall as parents, but we can pick ourselves up and learn from those failures.

Maybe the guilt associated with our kids not having a mom around most or all of the time eats at us and magnifies our mistakes.  Maybe our drive as providers kicks in to overdrive as single dads (along with hyper-criticism of our performance).

Whatever your mistakes, learn from them and become a better dad.  Kids can forgive and, based on what my son told me, understand we do not get it right every time.

What was a mistake you made and what was your lesson-learned?

Your Child Always Hears What You Say About Your Ex

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My son informed me I do not have eyes in the back of my head.  To which I inquired, “then how did I know you were playing on your iPad when you were not supposed to?”

He scrunched his face a little, appearing to think hard.  “I don’t know, but you don’t have eyes in the back of your head.”

Our kids, on the other hand, have huge ears.  Massive, Dumbo-like ears.  They hear everything you do not want them hearing.  Like that time you stubbed your toe on the table.  Or that time you tried to plan a surprise birthday party and your kid overheard you on the phone inviting one of their friends.

Photo Credit: eltpics via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: eltpics via Compfight cc

They also hear everything related to your prior marriage.  They do not really hear everything, but you must assume they do.

As best I know, I have not said an unkind word about my ex-wife or our divorce where my son was remotely nearby or able to hear.  He has asked me questions and I answer those as appropriate (see my post on this topic).  But as much as I have uncanny dad hearing, he has amazing kid hearing when he wants to.  Why is it never when I ask him to clean his room?  That discussion is for another day.

If your kids hear words said in anger or sarcasm or cruelty or revenge toward your ex, the damage will be significant and those words will not be forgotten.  They put your kids in the position of reconciling those words about a parent they love without context, maturity, or wisdom to process.  Bottom line: it does harm to everyone – including you.

If you find yourself needing to deal with conflict and issues involving your ex, talk to a therapist, clergy or a trusted friend.  Venting where you kids could hear you might indicate you need to do some of your own relational work.

As time has passed since my divorce, emotions level out and I seem to think less about the issues surrounding my ex and more about how I have matured and changed as a man.  If you find yourself recently wounded and angry, I get it and understand the desire to vent.  But know your kids will be wounded if they hear you saying anything negative about their mom.

I also understand some of you may be in a situation where their mom could pose a real threat to your kids’ safety.  Even in that case, I would encourage you to seek help from a professional who can give you words and tools to help your kids cope.

If you said something negative about your ex, intentionally or not, in front of your kids, how did they react?  What did you do next?

Did Steve Jobs Just Fire My Babysitter?

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My first real computer was an Apple Macintosh SE/30.  It’s massive 30MB hard drive handled the operating system and all my programs with ease.

Photo Credit: CyphermX via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: CyphermX via Compfight cc

Since my first purchase in 1990, Apple has been my exclusive personal computer provider.  Despite some lean years and misfires, Apple has consistently designed for the end user.  Steve Jobs cast the vision (during his various tenures at Apple) and I followed.

Fast forward to 2014.  My full-frame Nikon takes single photos larger than 30MB in RAW format.  And my son has a 16GB iPad Mini with the memory equivalent of over 530 Macintosh SE/30s.

And he loves his iPad.  Honestly, I love mine, too.

My son is able to text and FaceTime his mom, and it has changed the nature of how we communicate with our loved ones in incredible ways.

But…

It has also changed the way kids and grown ups interact with technology.  Games, movies, music, social media, and texting consume a great deal of time and attention before we realize it.

So, what does all this have to do with single dads?  Well, if you are like me, you have let electronics substitute for your time and attention when other duties called.  Whether for a conference call, a chore, preparing a meal, or just getting a moment to breathe, I have let my son’s iPad play babysitter.  That babysitter keeps him quiet (unless he asks to buy another new game) and engaged so I can concentrate.

Last week, this article appeared on nytimes.com – apparently Steve Jobs strictly enforced technology rules for his kids at home.  What?  Are you kidding?  And I’m pretty sure he even got the Apple employee discount on his kids’ iPads.

The article generated several ideas about technology:

  1. Technology does not belong at meals.  On special occasions, watching a movie and eating dinner in the family room can be a blast.  But, dinner time should generally be about the family – whatever that looks like.  We play word games at the table when conversation lulls.  Try Rory’s Story Cubes, Tall Tale, or something from Family Time Fun Dinner Games.
  2. We need to limit technology time (including television) for our kids.  A quick Google search or inquiry with a therapist/pediatrician will tell you our kids watch too much television and spend too much time with their computers, phones, and tablets.  Take a few days to keep a technology log and see how much your kids actually consume.    It may shock you like it did me.  Then set limits based on professional advice and common sense.
  3. Our kids know how much screen time we use.  To us, we are simply checking our email, responding to a text message, looking up directions, posting a status update, or playing a quick game.  Our kids simply see us mind melding with our phones and ignoring them.  How many adults do you see each day walking down a sidewalk with their faces looking down at their devices?  Probably none since you are walking down a sidewalk looking at your device.  I do it, too.  And kids do not even see much of our television time…not that any of us binge watch True Detective or The Walking Dead once the kids go to sleep.
  4. We need to set an example for our kids.  My son recently had a no-screen time Friday and Saturday because he talked in class one-too-many-times during the week.  During his technology hiatus, he asked me to quit working on the computer and play with him.  What a great opportunity to connect with him in some quality roughhousing and a friendly game of checkers.

Bottom line:  do not feel guilty for letting technology entertain or educate your kids.  Do keep a close eye on what and how much they consume.

What technology challenges do you face at your home?  Do you limit screen time, and if so, what limits did you set?

My Kid Is Sick But I Have A Big Work Meeting. What Do I Do?

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It’s 1:30am.  From another room you hear “DAAAAD!”

Photo Credit: Anthony Cain © via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Anthony Cain © via Compfight cc

Your precious kid’s fever is 101 degrees and her throat is sore.  You quickly begin to wonder how you’re going to make the meeting tomorrow morning because she’s not going to school.  It’s not that you don’t care about your kiddo – but some primal instinct takes over because we feel a great deal of responsibility to our work.

This has happened to millions of other single parents, but when it happens to you, it feels a little more intimidating and stressful.

I don’t have my former spouse or family in town, so what do I do?

First, you need to tend to your kid’s illness.  That may mean an ER visit or a call to the triage nurse/doctor on-call at your pediatrician’s office.  I was not born with that mother’s instinct for what to do and fortunately have a great guide from my pediatrician about how to deal with most illnesses and what actions to take based on the symptoms.

Afterward comes dealing with your kid during the day when you need to be at work.

Here are four strategies to handle this:

  1. Determine if you really need to be at work or your meeting.  Your colleagues and clients may know you’re raising your kids alone and chances are they’ll do what they can to accommodate your unexpected absence.  If you had a fever, they’d ask you to stay away and either participate by phone/Skype/FaceTime or just rest and get better.  If you have to care for a dependent, they would probably suggest the same.  While it may disrupt the work day, both your and your kid will remember that one-on-one time when you stayed home to care for her (and maybe play a board game or read a story together).
  2. Go to your team for help.  You may have individuals in your team willing to watch a kid who may be contagious.  If so, ask them for help – it’s not a sign of weakness, it’s giving someone a chance to help.  Check out my post on building a team if you haven’t already .
  3. Find day caregivers who cater to sick kids.  We have at least one business in metro Phoenix who will watch and care for a sick kid while you go to work.  For example, Arizona ProHealth provides that service, and you may want to call your pediatrician or local hospital to see if they know of any other centers providing that kind of care.  You may want to do this today so you are not scrambling to find it.
  4. Communicate clearly and develop a plan with your boss before your kid gets sick.  Communication is key.  Set aside some time to talk with your boss and/or your clients to let them know you may need some additional flexibility in the unfortunate instance of a sick kid.  This may result in you working with them to develop strategies in case this happens and shows leadership and planning on your part.

Your kid is going to get sick.  Will you be ready when it happens?

What other strategies do you have for last-minute emergencies with your kid on a work day?

You Need To Read “Five Changes I’d Make If I Could Parent Again” By Dr. Tim Elmore

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Photo from Tim's bio page at www.growingleaders.com/tim-elmore/

Photo from Tim’s bio page at www.growingleaders.com/tim-elmore/

This article is excellent and provides a great foundation for how we parent in a succinct and clear manner.  He does not overwhelm but encourages and gives wise counsel.

Five Changes I’d Make If I Could Parent Again

For me, his first suggestion to do less preventing and more preparing sits at the top of my list.  I overcompensate in the “preventing” category.  So, it is time to dig down and figure out why I take on some of the responsibilities that should be my son’s to own and be held accountable for.

Which of the five changes do you plan to implement in your own parenting?

5 Steps To Build A Reliable Team For Help When You Need It

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Parenting is about expecting the unexpected.  Single parenting is about preparing for the unexpected.

If you’re like me, your ex-wife isn’t physically in the picture – mine lives a few hours away by plane.  You may or may not have family near by (my parents and sister live about two hours away).

So, what do you do when something comes up and your kid is not old enough to stay home alone?  That is when you tap in to your team.

Photo Credit: Warren Chrismas via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Warren Chrismas via Compfight cc

CANDIDATES FOR YOUR TEAM

  • Family – Grandparents, parents, sibilings, aunts, cousins…you get the idea.  I have had to call my parents a few times and had them drive for a few hours to watch my son when he was sick and I had a meeting to go to.  It was not ideal, but my guess is your family wants to be supportive and you just need to ask.
  • Friends – This is a broad category and should be broken down so you can better identify who is a candidate for your network.
  • Other single dads/parents – Chances are good you have several single parents in your kid’s class/grade.  In fact, several of their close friends probably have single parents with either joint or full custody.  Some may or may not work or have non-traditional work hours (firefighters).  Single parents get it and are ususally quick to help if they can (and you should be quick to help them when they need it).
  • Retired friends – You have met these folks through your church, civic organizations, or in your neighborhood.
  • The rest – These are your married friends, neighbors, and anyone else in your circle.
  • Babysitters – It is essential to have a few babysitters for those evening events you need someone to watch your kid.  Ask teachers, other parents, college students, people at your church, and people at work for names of their sitters (they may not want to share if they have a reliable sitter).  If it is a college student, there is a chance they could be available during the day if their class schedule and work schedule allows.
  • Businesses –  From day-care organizations to certain kid-oriented businesses, you may have entities who will take your money in exchange for watching your kid.  Where I live, we have a few places willing to watch your kid (and wear them out) while you take care of that errand or meeting.  Not every bounce-house playground, trampoline gym or activity center will allow you to leave, but ask and find out which ones will.

HOW TO DEVELOP YOUR TEAM

  1. Write down the name and contact information for each person you come up with in each of the above categories.
  2. Be liberal.  Write down every possibility – even if you’re not sure they would be willing or able to help out.
  3. Reach out to every person on your list and ask them if they would be willing to lend a hand.  Let them know this is not for casual use, but instead for times when you really need help.
  4. After you have made your calls, rank your list based on who you feel most comfortable calling and who is generally available.
  5. Put your list into a document or spreadsheet and use it.

Remember, people want you to succeed as a single-dad and instinctively know you need help sometimes.  Let them help and do not hesitate to ask.  I remember how difficult it was to dial the phone and ask a friend to come over and watch my son while I went to a meeting – my pride was getting in the way of allowing someone to help me who had offered to do so.

I still wrestle with asking for help, at times, thinking I should be able to do this all on my own.  But then I remember the team of people around me who want to help and who I help back.

Do you already have a team or network?  What have you learned about asking for help?

How To Talk To Your Kid About Your Divorce And Your Ex

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Divorce leads kids to ask a ton of questions.  How we answer has dramatic implications for everyone involved.

Depending on the age, these questions can range from innocent fact-gathering to downright prying.  I have gotten questions ranging from:

“Why are you and mom getting a divorce?”

“Why can’t you and mom stay married?”

“Why do I live with you most of the time?”

“Do you hate mom?”

Prior to the divorce, my ex and I separated.  During that time, my son asked a lot of questions…not unlike those listed above.  My objective – based on counseling from professionals, ministers, and friends – was to never make a negative comment or use a negative/sarcastic tone of voice when speaking about his mom.

My answers to his questions were general and somewhat wordy.  I consistently reminded him the separation (and later divorce) was not his fault.  I never felt like I was communicating clearly and sometimes begged more questions.

Photo Credit: _guu_ via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: _guu_ via Compfight cc

I asked professionals for some additional input.  Here’s what I got: “Be a broken record.  Memorize a script and say it every time you get asked a question about the divorce or the custody situation.”

To this day, over four years after receiving residential custody, I use that script. “Your mom and I both love you very much.  You are not the reason we got a divorce.”  There are a few more lines in the script related to our specific residential custody situation, but you get the idea.

Find your words and stick to them.  If you are able to reassure your kids that both you and their mom loves them, do so.

My son isn’t quite to double-digits in age.  I know he’s going to continue to mature and ask questions.  I will continue to seek advice on how to answer at an age-appropriate level.  At the end of the day, the words coming from my mouth need to foster and preserve relationship and not tear it down.

What is your script?  What have you learned about answering your kids’ questions?

What Every Single Dad Needs To Know About Discipline

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Photo Credit: eric_maniac via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: eric_maniac via Compfight cc

You know the drill. Before a business negotiation you and your partner decide which one will be the good cop and which one will be the bad cop.  Some have it down to a science…and then there is me.

I have a tough time being a bad cop – something about being a people-pleaser and watching too much Andy Griffith Show growing up.

I relate to Alan Arkin as the precinct captain in “So I Married an Axe Murderer” who struggles to find his tough cop voice.

Many of us remember the infamous line from our childhood, “Just wait until your father gets home!”  Cliche, but pretty accurate.  Dad was the enforcer and mom was more of the compassionate cop you could go to after the fireworks (or the belt strap).

I do not want to suggest healthy parenting requires parents to be good cops and bad cops on some rotating basis to keep the rugrats obedient.

As single-fathers we know it’s way more nuanced.  You and your kids are in this position because something tough happened.  You may all be in counseling trying to deal with the pain, guilt, sorrow, anger and trauma.  Talking about emotions and feelings has become more comfortable, or at least something you’re working on.

You and I are both enforcer and refuge.  Disciplinarian and comforter.

I have figured out it’s pretty much impossible to play both roles, so I have had to refine my view of how to approach discipline.  Volumes of leather-bound books have been written on every side of the “how to” discipline, but we need to examine the bigger picture first.

Here is what I am learning about disciplining without a spouse:

1 – What you say goes.  Your kid doesn’t have anyone else to turn to (maybe even manipulate) when it comes to rules and discipline.  Remember the power and finality of your words before you speak them.  They can easily build up and teach or tear down and drive away.

2 – Establish clear boundaries, rules, consequences, and expectations.  I have lots of room to improve in this area – mainly on the consequence side of things.  The consequences I impose on my son for the same action have varied based on the kind of day I had.  Not a good strategy.  This point deserves more discussion in a future post, but in the meantime I recommend “Boundaries With Kids” by Dr. Henry Cloud – an excellent resource.

[NOTE] This February I had the privilege of hearing John Cotton Richmond speak at Donald Miller’s Storyline Conference.  He gave an excellent presentation on parenting and the rules in the Richmond household.  Keep your eyes open for him and any speaking he does in your community – very inspiring and full of wisdom.

3 – Clear communication maintains the relationship.  If we are clear with our kids, set boundaries, and demonstrate love consistently, they will instinctively know we love them even when we have to correct them.  Parent after parent confirm this through their life experiences: children want the safety and security of rules and boundaries.  My son does not love the correction, but he understands I love him unconditionally so the sting isn’t so bad.  I don’t have to turn around and take him out for ice cream after taking away a privilege so he knows I still love him.

I want my son to know I discipline him because I love him and set boundaries with consequences because I want the best for him.  That’s the bottom line.

Let’s leave the good cop/bad cop shtick to screenwriters.

What lessons have you learned about disciplining your kids?  Leave a comment below.