Tag Archives: single parenting

4 Ideas to Improve Your Bedtime Ritual

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At the ripe old age of “I’m almost 10” it happened.  My son has asked me to stop laying down with him at bedtime.  He’s a big boy now and it’s time to go to bed alone despite all the zombies outside his window and a forecast for a 50 percent chance of sharknados.

But I’m still in control.  I inform him I will be laying down for a moment to read to him, scratch his back for 10 seconds, and say our prayers.  I confidently assure him it will be quick and painless and I’ll be out of the room in no time.

Rewind four years to when we started this discipline.

I’m thankful for lots of great advice from professional psychologists who worked with me and my son during our transition to a single-parent home.  To a person, they instructed me to maintain and improve upon his bedtime ritual to both provide comfort and promote a strong emotional connection.

His primary therapist insisted recreational book reading happen in bed because, in her experience, it enhances the emotional connection between parent and child.  An added benefit I discovered was an overall easier time falling asleep because of the consistent and safe routine.

So, here are four things I’ve learned about bedtime:

* Bedtime stories (not associated with school) need to be read in bed.  It’s a safe and comforting place to bond during reading.  This, somehow, enhances emotional bonds between father and child.  I don’t understand and don’t have any metrics to prove anything for certain, but I know my son’s emotional state was stable when I did this consistently.  He had his moments (and me mine), but it must have helped.

* Just suck it up and scratch their back.  After a long day (still anticipating folding laundry and doing dishes before I could turn in) the last thing I wanted to do was lay in some awkward position and scratch my son’s back while propping up my arm on a pillow so it didn’t fall asleep.  But I knew it mattered.  A lot.  Touch is so important with our kids and a lot of us dads forget.  So just do it.  Scratch their backs and give them a good night kiss.

* Invite questions and conversation.  Your kid will benefit from being in an emotionally safe place where they feel connected with you because they will be more likely to share their feelings and engage in some amazing conversations.  Depending on your circumstance, your kid may experience some deep hurt, fear, and guilt – what can it hurt to let them know you welcome their questions or want find out what’s on their mind?

(DISCLAIMER)  I have tried the question thing with mixed results.  I told him he could ask me anything and I would answer honestly…even if my response was “I don’t know” or “we will need to talk about that when you’re older” or “that is a grown-up issue between your mom and me.”  He occasionally pressed to get details about our divorce, but I stuck to my script (more on this concept to come in another post).  Sometimes he said he didn’t have any questions or want to talk.  That’s fine – it’s an invitation, not a requirement.

* If something has to get done before you go to bed, try to get it knocked out before the bedtime ritual.  Your day probably began 15-16 hours before it’s time to lay down with your child.  You will, occasionally, fall asleep.  You will barely function after your brief, pre-bedtime nap.  As they get older, this gets more important because their bedtime is closer to yours.

Connection with our kids keeps coming back to communication, time and touch.  So, invest some energy into your bedtime ritual.  It will make a difference.

If you miss a night here and there, don’t worry about it – just be as consistent as you can and know it will pay dividends.

As for me, I’m going to get this bedtime ritual in as long as I can, even though it’s abbreviated.  Plus, you never know when a sharknado will strike.

Learning to sit down

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I don’t even remember exactly what I was doing. Probably laundry.  Maybe something more frivolous, like gathering trash from around the house to take to the curb for Tuesday garbage pickup.  Who knows.

What I remember very clearly was my son sitting alone on the couch with his favorite stuffed animal and blanket.  He was winding down.  Homework was done.  Teeth brushed.  He even flossed.  He was occupied and I could get stuff done.

Photo Credit: treefell via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: treefell via Compfight cc

He was watching something – probably Phineas and Ferb (one of my personal favorites), but he wanted company – he wanted dad to sit and pay attention to him.

“DAD!  Please sit with me.”  

He didn’t use many words, but they had an impact.  I immediately thought to myself, “but I have to get all these chores done, when will I do them if not now?”

Fortunately, some additional synapses fired immediately after that thought.  My son just asked me to sit down next to him, to pay attention to him, to put my arm around him and cuddle with him.  He was giving me permission to quit doing chores and sit and watch TV with him…to join him in his world.  I’m glad I did.

Time, touch, and attention.  We both needed it, and a child’s need for those should always trump a chore you can do later.

Welcome to Full-Time Dad

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“Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .’” – C.S. Lewis

I’ve been thinking about this project for a long time.  Putting words to paper (or characters to word processor) has never been difficult for me, but in this instance it has been met with resistance every step of the way.

Partly because of my failures:
I failed my marriage.
I failed my son.
I failed in my parenting.
I failed my own convictions.

I fail to see why I have any right to write any words about what I’m endeavoring to do.

However, failure (depending on how one handles it) brings a level of qualification to talk about a matter.  In my case, recognizing circumstances for what they are and actively seeking answers, wisdom, therapy, and community to move forward as a full-time, single dad.

Also, through a great community of support, I discovered my failures aren’t much different than those others have experienced.  No two stories are alike, but the similarities are shocking if you risk having the conversation.

 

Photo Credit: pasukaru76 via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: pasukaru76 via Compfight cc

 

I do not have sole custody of my son, but I do have residential custody during the school year.  As a professional, I have joined the ranks of countless women and men who have juggled work and home without the consistent aid of any partner.  And in many respects I have it easy – I just have one son…not two or three or more.  Plus, when he goes to visit my ex-wife on several occasions during the year, including an eight-week stint during the summer, I have the opportunity to catch my breath even though I miss him dearly.

To a certain extent, the name of this blog doesn’t even reflect my reality.  I’m not really a “full-time” single dad by strict definition.  But I’ve discovered most circumstances vary wildly with no two of my friends having the same situation in their full-time or part-time single parenting.

So, what do I hope to accomplish with this blog?

  • I want to help dads, like me, who weren’t sure where to turn when life hit them square in the face.
  • I want to provide helpful content to dads who have become the primary parent to their kid(s).
  • I want to share lessons I’ve learned and mistakes I’ve made.
  • I want to connect us with others who have expertise to share from their own experience or their professional life.
  • I want to be surprised by what could happen next.

One of the heroes of my faith is C.S. Lewis.  He said “Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .’”

The fact is we’re all is this together and have so much to learn from each other.  I look forward to the journey, friend, and can’t wait to see where it leads us.