Tag Archives: dad

How To Tackle Tough Subjects With Your Kids

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Last night, dinner conversation turned to the recent terrorist attacks in Paris.

We had seven people at the table with four under 14 and three between 40-60.  Perspectives varied based on snippets from the news, political views, emotional reactions, and forming views based on respected opinions.

Photo Credit: Zed The Dragon via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Zed The Dragon via Compfight cc

I could not help but think about other difficult conversations.  Especially those between me and my son about the divorce.  It reminded me how important our job as dads is in helping our kids formulate opinions, inform their perspectives, and take on an attitude of learning.

Here are a few helpful guidelines:

  • Only answer questions they ask.  My son’s therapist, when asked about good tactics to discuss the birds and the bees, instructed me to answer questions honestly and to only answer the questions asked.  In other words, if asked if babies grow in mommy’s stomach, just answer the specific question and do not begin to tell them how the baby got there.  Keep an open, honest dialogue going with your kids so they will be willing to ask you questions as they come up.  Do not overwhelm them with details and information they likely cannot process anyway.  You may find yourself taking conversations a step further, but rely on common sense and age-appropriateness.
  • Allow them to own their emotions.  If your kids express fear of a terrorist attack or sorrow about the loss of a parent through divorce or death or deployment, affirm their feelings.  Find ways to help them process those by telling about a time where you felt the same thing. If they feel heard with respect to their emotional reaction, they will probably be more open to the rational/logical follow up you may want to share with them.  I remember the fear I felt in the 80s during the height of the Cold War – as unlikely as nuclear war may have been, I went to bed many nights afraid of Russia attacking the US.  I can now tell my son about the value of recognizing fear but not allowing it to paralyze me.
  • Encourage learning.  This may not work quite as well with respect to the three D’s (divorce, death, and deployment), but when it comes to world events or “monsters in the closet”, find ways to help your kids learn more and help them inform their reactions and feelings.  I remember being very scared of monsters as a young boy.  I checked out a book from the library at my elementary school about monster movies which demystified them.  I saw the transformations of the actors by makeup artists and while I still had some fear, I knew Bela Lugosi and Lon Cheney, Jr. were the ones scaring me…not the real thing.

As our kids get older, the conversations get more interesting, engaging, and often more complex.  Consider what voice you want to have with your kids and how you will ensure to be part of their conversations.

What difficult conversation have you had with your kids?  What lessons did you learn from it?

To Tackle Or Not To Tackle

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For three years my 11-year-old son has begged me to let him play tackle football.  For three years, I have said “no”.

For some reason, I have determined tackle rugby is much safer and he played his first match this past Saturday.

Photo Credit: KevinScott.Org via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: KevinScott.Org via Compfight cc

To my credit, he loves rugby and cannot wait to go to practice (especially when the fields are a little wet).  He plays hard and his Aussie coaches have been fantastic at teaching the basics of the game and of smart tacking.

So, why tackle rugby and not tackle football?

I have no rational answer to the question.  I just went with my gut instinct.

Having watched his rugby practice and game, the sport moves at a different pace than American football.  The pacing and play appears to protect from the brutal hits I loved to watch in those old NFL Film shows on VHS (which reminds me…I need to see if those are available on DVD or on-demand).

One of those shows was called “NFL Rocks” and I wore both volumes out on my VCR.  One segment from Vol. 2 focused on Junior Seau.  I had no idea what price Seau would eventually pay as a consequence of his years in football.  While more than concussions may have been at play, Seau’s story and those of many more provide a compelling warning.

Time will tell if my son will want to keep playing rugby or will want to play both rugby and tackle football.  Time will also tell if/when my ex and I decide to let him play tackle football.

In the meantime, he will go to get a baseline assessment at Phoenix Children’s Hospital in case he ever does get a concussion from rugby, football, or any of another 1,000,000 ways it could happen.

Have you allowed your kids to participate in risky sports?  How did you make the decision?  How much does their desire to play affect your decision making?  

The Other Man In Your Kid’s Life

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I felt my chest tighten as my son kept telling stories about his new stepdad.

A mixture of panic and jealousy flooded my mind and I desperately wanted to remind my son how much I love him and how much cooler I am.

But I sat, listened, and did my best to affirm the relationship with the other man in his life.

Intellectually, we all know not to create unnecessary strife and tension between the two residences…especially when we know, as custodial parents, our kids will spend the majority of time with us.  But, man it is hard to do.

So what are some of my lessons learned?

  • Don’t freak out if stepdad’s job is “cooler” than yours.  My son has recently been talking about following in the other guy’s footsteps.  Nothing hits you in the gut quite like that.  My son is 11, and (in addition to stepdad’s occupation) he still kind of wants to be a lumberjack, baker, or Navy SEAL.  The best course of action I have found is to begin to ask questions about each of the possible occupations and give him the opportunity to learn more and inform his eventual choice.
  • Don’t try to control the situation when your kids are not in your custody.  You may want to try to dictate how much time your kids will spend with the other guy (and in some cases…depending on your particular legal situation…you might actually have some control), but if your custody decree is anything like mine, your ex is the one determining what happens during her visitation time.  I know…easier said than done…but my stress levels have noticeably dropped since letting go of stressing over something I cannot affect.
  • You are the parent figure in your kids’ lives.  You likely have your kids the majority of the time and, therefore, have more influence over them.  The less time you spend thinking about what you do not control, the more time you can spend investing time and energy with your kids when you do have them.

Do your kids spend time with a stepdad or significant other at their mom’s home?  If so, what have you learned about having another man in their lives?  What has been most challenging for you?

FLASHBACK – One Big Mistake Single Dads Make

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My son and I just got back from a long weekend of turkey hunting (turns out it was not a weekend of turkey killing, but awesome nonetheless).  More new content next week, but in honor of a full weekend great times and a few mistakes here and there, I thought I would pull this one up out of the archive.  

 

There was the time my son watched 2 straight hours of Ultimate Spider-Man while my fingers pecked away at emails and a memo for a client.

There was the time I forgot about his spelling test the next day and I did not review the words with him.

Stop and think about the times you wish you could hit the redo button with your kids.

Did any involve something you said to them?  Did you exact too harsh a punishment without explanation?  Let them get too close to danger?  Did you mIss an opportunity to have a teachable moment?

All of those might resonate with you (or will resonate one of these days), so what do we do about them?

Live, learn and let go.

We make a big mistake by worrying about our parental missteps and holding on to them.  We must recognize we will stumble and fall as parents, but we can pick ourselves up and learn from those failures.

Maybe the guilt associated with our kids not having a mom around most or all of the time eats at us and magnifies our mistakes.  Maybe our drive as providers kicks in to overdrive as single dads (along with hyper-criticism of our performance).

Whatever your mistakes, learn from them and become a better dad.  Kids can forgive and, based on what my son told me, understand we do not get it right every time.

What was a mistake you made and what was your lesson-learned?

What My Son Got Me For My 46th Birthday

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He gave me $10.

And I am fairly certain he re-gifted it to me.

We both have birthdays in September and his comes before mine.  One of his friends got him a bag of candy and a card with two $5 bills.

Photo by author

Photo by author

On my birthday, my son’s card to me contained two $5 bills.

Of course I thanked him and gave him a big hug.  Part of me felt guilty he gave me anything.  So, we had a conversation.

“Thanks for the money, bud!  I really appreciate it.  You know you didn’t have to get me anything,” I said.

“I know, dad, but I wanted to give it to you.”

“Do you like giving?”

My son replied, “I like giving more than getting.”

Not too many years ago for one of my son’s birthdays, he asked his friends to bring diapers and supplies for a local shelter instead of giving him a gift.  He took all the loot and we delivered it to  the Phoenix Rescue Mission’s Changing Lives Center.  I know the experience of delivering and meeting some of the women and children moved him deeply.

As dads, we do not always know if the lessons we teach sink in.  But sometimes, when we open up an “Awkward Family Photos” birthday card, we know they do listen.

What lesson have you taught and been surprised by how/when your kid responded?

Discovering Unforgettable Father-Child Experiences

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If you look up the word “hunter” in the dictionary, you will see my picture on that page.  That is because “hungry” is on the same page.

You can buy this sign from https://www.artfire.com/ext/shop/home/wooddesigner

You can buy this sign from https://www.artfire.com/ext/shop/home/wooddesigner

I have harvested my share of birds and an elk here and there, but am not a great hunter.  At the end of the day, I love being outdoors.  My son shares the same love for the outdoors and wildlife.

This past week, my son and I spent Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday night, all-day Saturday, and a half-day Sunday at a hunter education class sponsored by the Arizona Game and Fish Department.  I took the same basic class when I turned 10…over 35 years ago.  For anyone who has taken hunter education, no matter which state you live in, rest assured the movies have not been updated.

Photo by author...and proud dad!

Photo by author…and proud dad!

In all, we shared 5 hours in the car driving to and from Ben Avery Shooting Range and nearly 20 hours getting hands-on and classroom instruction.  We shared lots of laughs, had some serious ethical conversations, and I learned more about what he likes and does not like about the outdoors and hunting.  And he learned more from me.

I am not suggesting each of you need to take your kid through hunter education (by the way, lots of moms and daughters took the class), but you should seek out something your kid enjoys and find a way to take a deep dive with the subject.

In particular, find free or low-cost opportunities offered by organizations with the same passion.  Hunter education courses receive funding from several public sources and the instructors volunteer their time…and their passion can be contagious.

Maybe your kid enjoys the outdoors.  Find an opportunity (REI, Bass Pro Shops and many others offer no/low cost classes).

Art?  Check out your local art museum or community college for a workshop or class.

The list of interests and opportunities could take pages to exhaust.

Your job: ask your kid what subject she would like to dig into.  And do it with her.

I promise both of you will grow closer to one another…and you might just learn something.

I am going to brush up on my aim.

Do you know what interests your kid?  Do you have ideas about how to help them learn in a way you can also participate?

Another Birthday…Already?? Making Memories Without Going Crazy

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“When I was a kid…”

We have all said those words since having our own kids. My birthday parties in the 1970s and early 1980s seemed awesome – several friends came over to my house for some games and cake and ice cream. And I got presents – especially awesome in 1977 when the original Star Wars came out. The action figures made sweet gifts!

These parody action figures were created by Walt Crowley from Rancho Obi-Wan.

These parody action figures were created by Walt Crowley from Rancho Obi-Wan.

Now, many birthdays have become expensive two hour events at party factories – cycling in group after group for 75 minutes of play and 45 minutes of cardboard pizza, soda, cake and presents. All for a mere $300.

WHAT?!?

Some of you may have pockets full of Benjamins, but most of us try to watch our money closely.

So, how do we make awesome birthdays without destroying the budget and spending another two-hour block at the bounce house gymnasium?

1 – Ask your kid for two or three options.  You never know what they will come up with as options, and you may be pleasantly surprised they want a simple swim/video game/sleepover party at your home.  Granted, those can be exhausting, but make great memories.

2 – Budget for it…even if it is at a party factory.  No matter what, build birthday parties and gifts into your personal budget.  If you do not have a personal budget, set a goal to create one.  Little things at parties can become quite expensive…one time I tried to make fancy gift bags for 15 kids and just about went broke buying cheap plastic crap.

3 – Come up with a DIY party at home.  So, pretend your kid does not come up with any great or realistic ideas.  Make up your own themed party.  For boys – nothing beats water balloon and shaving cream fights in the back yard (or the yard of a good friend or relative).  For girls – buy some cake mix and have them do cupcake decorations and then rent a karaoke machine.  This process also helps you learn more about your kid’s interests.

4 – Plan a one-on-one event.  One year my son kept asking me to take him fishing.  So, I surprised him with a fishing trip and told him it would replace his 8th birthday party.  We have some incredible memories and he never missed having a party – instead we both got some amazing quality time and some great fish stories to tell.  This could end up costing some money, so do not forget to budget for it.

This year, we celebrated my son’s 11th birthday with family in the mountains and had a small gathering the following weekend with a couple of his buddies.  Again, we shared many memories from both events and managed to keep spending under control.

What unique spin on the usual birthday party do you want to try this year?

How Sanity Returned To My Mornings (Mostly)

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I became a single dad when my son was barely five-years-old.  The list of chores and responsibilities appropriate for a child his age had limits, and I constantly cleaned, cooked, made his school lunch, did laundry, made beds, reminded him to brush his teeth, did more laundry, cooked, and did more laundry.

“Doing the laundry” often included picking up socks and clothes from the bathroom, the living room, the kitchen, the bedroom, the other bathroom, and even my bedroom.  Sure, I would scold him and ask him to do the job, but I felt an enormous amount of guilt about the divorce and his new world, so I erred on the side of doing more than most parents.

Fast forward a few years (including a new marriage and great advice from my wife), and my son has transformed the quality of my mornings dramatically.  He (we) did this by having him make a list of all the tasks he must do in the morning…tasks I no longer do and tasks I no longer have to nag him about doing.

Photo Credit: Courtney Dirks via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Courtney Dirks via Compfight cc

He wrote the list himself as we discussed what he needed to do every morning.  He posted the list on the refrigerator himself.  And now he completes the tasks all by himself – and he does them without complaint.

The list has empowered him and relieved me.

Now it is time for me to create my own list…

What morning rituals do your kids perform?  How can you improve upon your morning routine?