Tag Archives: single dad

FLASHBACK – What Every Single Dad Needs To Know About Discipline

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This week has been full of coughing and craziness, so I decided to reach back into the archive and pull out a post I needed to re-read myself.  Consistency in your approach to discipline is critical and I hope this will give you some encouragement and perspective.

Photo Credit: eric_maniac via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: eric_maniac via Compfight cc

You know the drill. Before a business negotiation you and your partner decide which one will be the good cop and which one will be the bad cop.  Some have it down to a science…and then there is me.

I have a tough time being a bad cop – something about being a people-pleaser and watching too much Andy Griffith Show growing up.

I relate to Alan Arkin as the precinct captain in “So I Married an Axe Murderer” who struggles to find his tough cop voice.

Many of us remember the infamous line from our childhood, “Just wait until your father gets home!”  Cliche, but pretty accurate.  Dad was the enforcer and mom was more of the compassionate cop you could go to after the fireworks (or the belt strap).

I do not want to suggest healthy parenting requires parents to be good cops and bad cops on some rotating basis to keep the rugrats obedient.

As single-fathers we know it’s way more nuanced.  You and your kids are in this position because something tough happened.  You may all be in counseling trying to deal with the pain, guilt, sorrow, anger and trauma.  Talking about emotions and feelings has become more comfortable, or at least something you’re working on.

You and I are both enforcer and refuge.  Disciplinarian and comforter.

I have figured out it’s pretty much impossible to play both roles, so I have had to refine my view of how to approach discipline.  Volumes of leather-bound books have been written on every side of the “how to” discipline, but we need to examine the bigger picture first.

Here is what I am learning about disciplining without a spouse:

1 – What you say goes.  Your kid doesn’t have anyone else to turn to (maybe even manipulate) when it comes to rules and discipline.  Remember the power and finality of your words before you speak them.  They can easily build up and teach or tear down and drive away.

2 – Establish clear boundaries, rules, consequences, and expectations.  I have lots of room to improve in this area – mainly on the consequence side of things.  The consequences I impose on my son for the same action have varied based on the kind of day I had.  Not a good strategy.  This point deserves more discussion in a future post, but in the meantime I recommend “Boundaries With Kids” by Dr. Henry Cloud – an excellent resource.

[NOTE] In February, 2014 I had the privilege of hearing John Cotton Richmond speak at Donald Miller’s Storyline Conference.  He gave an excellent presentation on parenting and the rules in the Richmond household.  Keep your eyes open for him and any speaking he does in your community – very inspiring and full of wisdom.

3 – Clear communication maintains the relationship.  If we are clear with our kids, set boundaries, and demonstrate love consistently, they will instinctively know we love them even when we have to correct them.  Parent after parent confirm this through their life experiences: children want the safety and security of rules and boundaries.  My son does not love the correction, but he understands I love him unconditionally so the sting isn’t so bad.  I don’t have to turn around and take him out for ice cream after taking away a privilege so he knows I still love him.

I want my son to know I discipline him because I love him and set boundaries with consequences because I want the best for him.  That’s the bottom line.

Let’s leave the good cop/bad cop shtick to screenwriters.

What lessons have you learned about disciplining your kids?  Leave a comment below.

Lessons Learned In The Emergency Room

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Last Saturday my son learned why the rules of rugby forbid jumping…you can get hurt or hurt someone else.

In this instance, my son received the injury.  As he carried the ball down the field, he jumped to avoid a tackle, but ended up being brought down on top of the ball with extra energy.  His ribs and sternum burned with pain…especially when he took a breath.

We immediately iced the worst area and hopped in the car.  Phoenix Children’s Hospital was on the way home, but I kept wondering if I had another Saturday morning option for a one-stop shop for medical care and the inevitable x-rays.

Completely unprepared, I took him into the emergency room.  I even asked the nice lady at admissions if she knew of an urgent care facility offering medical care and imaging services at the same location.  She smiled and told me once I got to admissions at one provider, I should just stick it out.

Photo by author

Photo by author

My son did not break anything, but managed to beat himself up pretty badly.  I expect he will want to take Monday off from rugby practice to let it heal a little more.

For me, I am beating myself up for not following my own advice and being prepared for the most cost-effective way to get health care for my son.  I should have already known the locations of the urgent care facilities with imaging so I could choose one of those over an emergency room.

Depending on your health insurance, you may not see any difference in cost for a weekend need to get some x-rays and evaluation, but I hope when my bill comes in, it does not knock the wind out of me.

Do you know the location of the ideal hospital, urgent care facility or dentist in case the need arises on a weekend?

I Almost Told My Son “No”

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Sunday afternoon.

You might consider it the best time of the week.  Naps.  Football (well, at least one more game this year).  Movies.  Reading.  That last deep breath before work begins.

I often have mixed feelings.  The weekend has flown by too quickly.  I still have errands to run.  To quote something I saw this weekend, “I still have procrastinating to do today that I didn’t finish yesterday.”

Yesterday, I had actually made progress on several tasks I had not gotten to in some time.  Checking those boxes felt great.

Then he came in.

Photo by author

Photo by author

My son asked me to go trail riding.  Something we have both done together in the past (with many great memories and laughs), but had not done in some time.

“Maybe later.  I’m in the middle of this project.”

My son’s shoulders slumped a little and he turned and walked away, which allowed me to get back to the task at hand.

About ten minutes later, just as I was wrapping up the prior project and anticipating the next item on my list, he asked again.  His eyes told me he already knew my response.

“I said maybe later.  I have quite a few things to get done today.”

“Please, dad.  Please!”

“Not right now.  I’ll check with you later.”

My son is 11-years-old.  It did not take too much inner monologue to occur for me to realize he will not be asking me to ride bikes with him too many more years.  I suppose he might, but he certainly would not beg me to ride over to meet up with his buddies when he turns sixteen.

I guess I could fantasize about being a cool dad all the friends want to hang with, but the lottery might be a better bet.

I finished up the next item and decided I would take the initiative to ask my son if he was ready to ride.

Think about your kid and a time you saw her face go from boredom to outright joy…my son executed it perfectly.

We proceeded to take a 45-minute ride, round-trip, on some great trails.  We both got exercise.  We both laughed.  We both got some scratches and scrapes.  He got some time with dad.

And I still had time to work on my checklist and save a few for next weekend.

Have you ever regretted telling your kid “no”?  Were you able to make it up to them and to yourself?

Single Dad Burnout?

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This past weekend my son went to his first camp with our church youth group.  So, in addition to the experience of loading him onto a bus and waving goodbye, I had the opportunity to rest a little and get some much-needed work done around the house.

He came back on Sunday evening and I could not have been more excited to see him.  I miss him when he is gone, even when it affords me the opportunity to rest.

Not long after I put him to bed, I sat down to catch up on some headlines and one teaser on the Drudge Report caught my eye: “Modern dads ‘burning out’…”.  I do not have my Strunk and White handy, so I apologize for any improper punctuation.

The first sentence of the article indicated modern dads experience as much burnout as moms.  The article went on to make broad statements about working parents – presumably married – experiencing high levels of stress related to juggling work and home responsibilities.

No where in the article did single parents receive explicit attention.

I immediately thought of my years as a single dad.

And I thought of you and the other readers who have extraordinary parental responsibility…often with no consistent support from a spouse or even an ex.

Do we experience burnout?

We certainly can feel exhausted, stressed, frustrated, and even overwhelmed, but I suspect we power through those feelings and get up every day and do it all over again.

If you do feel burnout, I would commend to you you last week’s post and a few others I have written to give some encouragement and ideas to combat burnout.

5 Steps To Build A Reliable Team For Help When You Need It

Finding Balance As A Single Dad

Thanks for being a dad and all it entails.

When have you experienced burnout as a parent?

Defeating Loneliness And Isolation As A Single Dad

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Sunday, while my son and his buddy played a relatively quiet game of hangman, I listened to Pastor Scott share some great thoughts about community.  Sitting in the church service, I remembered how many people at my church supported me during my separation, divorce, and eventual life as a single dad.

This particular buddy (and his whole family) helped maintain stability and consistency through a lot of play time and Saturday hangouts.  While the kids played, the dads home-brewed beer and I received amazing support.

Whether in work or social circles, or at the CrossFit gym (I attended one summer while my son was with his mom during the summer visitation), I ran into several guys who were either single dads or facing the eventuality through divorce.  Those friendships often became opportunities for guys to commiserate, help each other babysit, or just hang out with the kids.  We all had common interests and similar struggles.

One of my early posts addressed the idea of building a team to help you when family was not around and you had an emergency at work.  But this post had a utilitarian feel.

What I heard this past Sunday reminded me of those friendships built with fellow travelers and friends and their wives and families who would do what they could to lend a hand.

Some thoughts about these relationships:

Relationships must work both ways.  You get out of it what you put into it.  One-sided relationships rarely stand the test of time.

You must be intentional about existing relationships and developing new ones.  Pastor Scott quoted someone (did not write the name down) who said, “You don’t realize how much you need people until you need people.”  Granted, we all have different personality types and this may come harder for you, but the principal remains the same…you have to decide to be a friend and to develop new ones.

Seek friendships with other single dads.  One of my single dad buddies from CrossFit became a close friend and his kids and my son had some great times playing and hanging out.  He had some great insight for me as I was settling in to the life of a single dad and we helped each other figure out some co-parenting issues as they came up.  People with common experiences and issues can provide great input and support.

It could be easy to fall into the trap of isolating and just going to work and raising your kids.  But that would rob you of the benefit of the advice and input of others, the realization that others have experienced similar difficulty, and the opportunity to gain some amazing friendships.

Have you been tempted to isolate as a single dad?  If not, what friend has made a lasting impact on your parenting?

When Custody Handoffs Go Wrong

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My son was booked on a flight home from visitation with his mom this past Friday.

After a series of unrelated texts, I realized my son was not enroute and on a layover, but was instead still at his mom’s house.  Packed and ready to go.

Photo Credit: Frank Spee via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Frank Spee via Compfight cc

My ex apologized for the oversight (looking at the departure time from the layover city instead of origination city) and I started the rebooking process.

Fortunately, American Airlines quickly rebooked him for the following day and I did not have to pay any additional fees.  He arrived safely on Saturday evening.

How would you have reacted in this situation?  What would you have texted or emailed to your ex?

Within moments of finding out my son would not be home Friday evening, I cycled through several emotions, but once I caught my breath, the logical side of me kicked in and I went into problem-solving mode.  How do I explain this to the airline?  Will I need to use more miles/pay a fee?  What if he cannot get home until Sunday or Monday with all the holiday travel?

The emotional response quickly gave way to problem-solving.

Unless your ex habitually violates custody agreements (in which case you should reach out to your parenting coordinator, lawyer, therapist…whoever can help remedy the behavior), it is best to go through your emotional response before unloading on your ex.  Doing so would only add to the stress for you and your kid.

For the occasional hiccup, remember parenting (and co-parenting) is a marathon and showing some flexibility will diffuse a bad situation rather than escalate it.

Again, if your ex has a habit of doing this or does so with malice or no remorse, I would recommend seeking outside counsel to correct the behavior rather than go it alone and risking an emotional escalation with no custodial resolution.

Has your ex accidentally or deliberately violated your custody agreement?  What have you found to be the best way to approach these situations?

Giving Gifts To Generation Z

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I write this post in hopes to read it again next November in preparation for Christmas 2016.

My son is 11 years old, which puts him, most likely, as part of Generation Z (or iGen).  Wikipedia says the following about Generation Z:

By Cathy Wilcox (http://cathywilcox.com.au)

By Cathy Wilcox (http://cathywilcox.com.au)

Members of Generation Z have been affected by growing up through the September 11 terrorist attacks and the Great Recession, with some commentators suggesting that these events have given the cohort a feeling of unsettlement and insecurity. Patrick Cooper describes Generation Z as “innovative, entrepreneurial, and highly conscious of their futures and the challenges they face”.

Our kids, whether Millennials or Generation Z, have the added unsettlement of a broken family which adds to the unsettlement and insecurity.  This has emerged with my son regarding the topic of gifts.

Whatever winter holiday you celebrate, western culture has made gift-giving the norm.  If your inbox resembles mine, the pressure to give to others (or yourself) continues long after Christmas.  I still get dozens of marketing emails promising the sales will soon end.

Naturally, about one month before Christmas, I ask my son what gifts he might enjoy.  When asked directly, he rarely comes up with any practical answer.  Yes, a motorcycle, a Segway, and a machete (thanks Nacho Libre) consistently make the list…and he already knows the answer to each of those requests.

However, when we just walk through a store, he routinely makes comments about what he would spend his money on.  But he has a difficult time answering a direct inquiry.

He may feel guilty about asking for things when he knows we have watched our budget closely since the divorce.  He may have so many choices his brain simply shorts out when he has to choose only one or two.  I do not know what it is, but buying for him is difficult.

What my son asks for on a daily basis is time.  Time to play “Push Dad Off The Bed”, or time to ride a bike, or time with his friends.  Some days, those “gifts” can be harder to give than a Segway.  (Do not worry, he also asks to play the Xbox quite a bit)

So, next year, I may take the advice of others who write about giving experiences/time as gifts.  You can find one of my favorites by Zen Habits here.

Next year, instead of what he wants, I will ask what he wants to do or create or experience.

Let’s see how that goes.

What non-consumer gift have you given your kid?  How was it received?  Would you do it again?

Buying Christmas Gifts For Your Ex

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My son and I braved Toys R Us, Best Buy, Target, and PetSmart this past weekend.  Our mission…to buy presents for grandparents, cousins, stepbrothers, and pick up a few things for the puppies.

My son will spend Christmas with me this year.  He departs on December 26 to visit his mom for one week.  It occurred to me I should help him out with finding something for his mom…my ex.

Photo Credit: RagingWhisper via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: RagingWhisper via Compfight cc

I asked my son if he wanted to shop for his mom so he would have a gift when he arrived.  He said he would think about it and he might just go with his grandparents to shop when he arrived.

Upon further reflection and discussion, he and I will go, probably today or tomorrow, to get something for her so he has a wrapped gift when he lands.  He may also get something for his half-sister so he can come bearing gifts.

Even though I have not bought a gift directly for my ex since 2008 (the year before we separated), it seems healthy to facilitate gifts for her with my son.

Granted, he will not buy her diamond earrings or an iWatch, but even something small lets him know I value the relationship between him and his mom.

Giving is greater than grudges.