Tag Archives: single parenting

3 Ways I Helped My Son Figure Out His New Hobbies

1 Reply
Photo by author

Photo by author

Before our divorce, my ex and I decided to get some chickens for our urban home.  We started with a few and pretty soon got hooked.

Fast forward a bit and I ended up with custody of the chickens and my son and I raised them for several years until we finally ended up with a landlord unwilling to let us bring them along.

But during the years we had them, my son (and his friends) loved the chickens.  While not smart, each one had a personality and each one laid eggs with deep yellow yolks.  He learned about caring for animals and responsibility.  He also learned what a coyote can do to a small flock of hens.

Our experience with chickens played a role in figuring out what post-rugby hobbies my son would take up.  As you recall last week, we had some interesting suggestions…none of which I could immediately implement.

We talked about several options and two emerged the winners: starting a garden and beginning CrossFit for kids.  How did I contribute to this?

Photo by author

Photo by author

I asked him to make an expanded list of choices.  As you know from last week’s blog, his initial list of hobby choices was…adventurous.  I asked him to expand his list and encouraged him to brainstorm everything he could.  His new list had several additions in the extreme category, but we talked about plusses and minuses, and we talked about activities I engaged in previously.  I told him about my experience one summer at a CrossFit box and how much I enjoyed it, and the discussion led to his ultimate decision to investigate CrossFit for kids and to pursue it.

I encouraged him to list what interests him.  He and I (and the new blended family) have discussed getting chickens again, but we have new puppies and the timing is not right.  He and his youngest stepbrother had talked about a garden instead of more animals.  The process of listing interests and crossing off the marginal ones pointed back to something my son loves…growing and harvesting.  This time, he will harvest veggies and fruits instead of collecting fresh eggs, but it will scratch a similar itch.

Photo by author

Photo by author

I followed through.  We cannot go through a process like this and let our kids down by dropping the ball (which I have done on multiple occasions).  On Sunday, we got the necessary supplies at Home Depot and started the gardening project.  This coming Friday, he will go to his first CrossFit for kids class at a box just a few minutes away.

Giving our kids some options other than screen time helps everyone.  Finding a way to connect with our kids by exploring their interests, sharing our interests and experiences, and figuring out how to execute will pay dividends in the long term.

Now we just have to wait and see what comes of the garden…and if he likes CrossFit.

Have your kids chosen a hobby based on something you did as a kid or something they saw you do as an adult?  What was it?

Helping Your Kids Find Hobbies

4 Replies

My son just wrapped up his rugby season and does not plan to play spring baseball.  On one hand, I do not have to drive him to practice and we get our Saturday mornings back for a few months.

Unfortunately, when asked what he wants to do in the coming months, he can only come up with activities requiring either constant parental supervision or being over 18 years old.

A partial list of things he seriously would like to do (as an 11-year-old):

  • Bike riding on highway access roads
  • Motorcross
  • Welding

Welding???

Photo Credit: parkerwelds via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: parkerwelds via Compfight cc

I explained his choices sounded interesting, but we not activities he could do without an adult.  Therefore, he could begin any of those as a hobby.

Then he said a word we all said as kids ourselves, but we want to scream when our own kids say it: “But everything else is boring!”

When our kids say they are bored we come up with the usual responses like, “if I told my mom and dad I was bored, they made me do chores” or “only boring people are bored.”  Neither do us or our kids much good.

So, it was time to redirect and come up with some other ideas.  However, nothing I mentioned sounded the least bit interesting to him.  Music lessons, acting, another sport, reading, collecting something – nothing caught his attention.

I have asked him to write down a list of all the things he finds interesting and from there, pick a few subjects we could turn into a hobby.  When i told him TV and Xbox could not appear on his list, he did seem a bit sad, but at least he knows he can create a list of his interests and not mine.

I told him to be as crazy and creative as he could.  Maybe welding stays on his list, but we can discover some way to work with metal as a beginner…not an expert.  His list will give us a chance to learn what kind of options are out there and force us to get creative as we find an activity for him.  And it will give us a chance to communicate and spend time together.

As of today he has not picked a new hobby, but I am holding out hope.  And searching Craigslist for used welding equipment.

What kinds of hobbies do your kids do?  What is the most unique hobby you or your kids have?

FLASHBACK – What Every Single Dad Needs To Know About Discipline

Leave a reply

This week has been full of coughing and craziness, so I decided to reach back into the archive and pull out a post I needed to re-read myself.  Consistency in your approach to discipline is critical and I hope this will give you some encouragement and perspective.

Photo Credit: eric_maniac via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: eric_maniac via Compfight cc

You know the drill. Before a business negotiation you and your partner decide which one will be the good cop and which one will be the bad cop.  Some have it down to a science…and then there is me.

I have a tough time being a bad cop – something about being a people-pleaser and watching too much Andy Griffith Show growing up.

I relate to Alan Arkin as the precinct captain in “So I Married an Axe Murderer” who struggles to find his tough cop voice.

Many of us remember the infamous line from our childhood, “Just wait until your father gets home!”  Cliche, but pretty accurate.  Dad was the enforcer and mom was more of the compassionate cop you could go to after the fireworks (or the belt strap).

I do not want to suggest healthy parenting requires parents to be good cops and bad cops on some rotating basis to keep the rugrats obedient.

As single-fathers we know it’s way more nuanced.  You and your kids are in this position because something tough happened.  You may all be in counseling trying to deal with the pain, guilt, sorrow, anger and trauma.  Talking about emotions and feelings has become more comfortable, or at least something you’re working on.

You and I are both enforcer and refuge.  Disciplinarian and comforter.

I have figured out it’s pretty much impossible to play both roles, so I have had to refine my view of how to approach discipline.  Volumes of leather-bound books have been written on every side of the “how to” discipline, but we need to examine the bigger picture first.

Here is what I am learning about disciplining without a spouse:

1 – What you say goes.  Your kid doesn’t have anyone else to turn to (maybe even manipulate) when it comes to rules and discipline.  Remember the power and finality of your words before you speak them.  They can easily build up and teach or tear down and drive away.

2 – Establish clear boundaries, rules, consequences, and expectations.  I have lots of room to improve in this area – mainly on the consequence side of things.  The consequences I impose on my son for the same action have varied based on the kind of day I had.  Not a good strategy.  This point deserves more discussion in a future post, but in the meantime I recommend “Boundaries With Kids” by Dr. Henry Cloud – an excellent resource.

[NOTE] In February, 2014 I had the privilege of hearing John Cotton Richmond speak at Donald Miller’s Storyline Conference.  He gave an excellent presentation on parenting and the rules in the Richmond household.  Keep your eyes open for him and any speaking he does in your community – very inspiring and full of wisdom.

3 – Clear communication maintains the relationship.  If we are clear with our kids, set boundaries, and demonstrate love consistently, they will instinctively know we love them even when we have to correct them.  Parent after parent confirm this through their life experiences: children want the safety and security of rules and boundaries.  My son does not love the correction, but he understands I love him unconditionally so the sting isn’t so bad.  I don’t have to turn around and take him out for ice cream after taking away a privilege so he knows I still love him.

I want my son to know I discipline him because I love him and set boundaries with consequences because I want the best for him.  That’s the bottom line.

Let’s leave the good cop/bad cop shtick to screenwriters.

What lessons have you learned about disciplining your kids?  Leave a comment below.

Lessons Learned In The Emergency Room

Leave a reply

Last Saturday my son learned why the rules of rugby forbid jumping…you can get hurt or hurt someone else.

In this instance, my son received the injury.  As he carried the ball down the field, he jumped to avoid a tackle, but ended up being brought down on top of the ball with extra energy.  His ribs and sternum burned with pain…especially when he took a breath.

We immediately iced the worst area and hopped in the car.  Phoenix Children’s Hospital was on the way home, but I kept wondering if I had another Saturday morning option for a one-stop shop for medical care and the inevitable x-rays.

Completely unprepared, I took him into the emergency room.  I even asked the nice lady at admissions if she knew of an urgent care facility offering medical care and imaging services at the same location.  She smiled and told me once I got to admissions at one provider, I should just stick it out.

Photo by author

Photo by author

My son did not break anything, but managed to beat himself up pretty badly.  I expect he will want to take Monday off from rugby practice to let it heal a little more.

For me, I am beating myself up for not following my own advice and being prepared for the most cost-effective way to get health care for my son.  I should have already known the locations of the urgent care facilities with imaging so I could choose one of those over an emergency room.

Depending on your health insurance, you may not see any difference in cost for a weekend need to get some x-rays and evaluation, but I hope when my bill comes in, it does not knock the wind out of me.

Do you know the location of the ideal hospital, urgent care facility or dentist in case the need arises on a weekend?

I Almost Told My Son “No”

Leave a reply

Sunday afternoon.

You might consider it the best time of the week.  Naps.  Football (well, at least one more game this year).  Movies.  Reading.  That last deep breath before work begins.

I often have mixed feelings.  The weekend has flown by too quickly.  I still have errands to run.  To quote something I saw this weekend, “I still have procrastinating to do today that I didn’t finish yesterday.”

Yesterday, I had actually made progress on several tasks I had not gotten to in some time.  Checking those boxes felt great.

Then he came in.

Photo by author

Photo by author

My son asked me to go trail riding.  Something we have both done together in the past (with many great memories and laughs), but had not done in some time.

“Maybe later.  I’m in the middle of this project.”

My son’s shoulders slumped a little and he turned and walked away, which allowed me to get back to the task at hand.

About ten minutes later, just as I was wrapping up the prior project and anticipating the next item on my list, he asked again.  His eyes told me he already knew my response.

“I said maybe later.  I have quite a few things to get done today.”

“Please, dad.  Please!”

“Not right now.  I’ll check with you later.”

My son is 11-years-old.  It did not take too much inner monologue to occur for me to realize he will not be asking me to ride bikes with him too many more years.  I suppose he might, but he certainly would not beg me to ride over to meet up with his buddies when he turns sixteen.

I guess I could fantasize about being a cool dad all the friends want to hang with, but the lottery might be a better bet.

I finished up the next item and decided I would take the initiative to ask my son if he was ready to ride.

Think about your kid and a time you saw her face go from boredom to outright joy…my son executed it perfectly.

We proceeded to take a 45-minute ride, round-trip, on some great trails.  We both got exercise.  We both laughed.  We both got some scratches and scrapes.  He got some time with dad.

And I still had time to work on my checklist and save a few for next weekend.

Have you ever regretted telling your kid “no”?  Were you able to make it up to them and to yourself?

Defeating Loneliness And Isolation As A Single Dad

1 Reply

Sunday, while my son and his buddy played a relatively quiet game of hangman, I listened to Pastor Scott share some great thoughts about community.  Sitting in the church service, I remembered how many people at my church supported me during my separation, divorce, and eventual life as a single dad.

This particular buddy (and his whole family) helped maintain stability and consistency through a lot of play time and Saturday hangouts.  While the kids played, the dads home-brewed beer and I received amazing support.

Whether in work or social circles, or at the CrossFit gym (I attended one summer while my son was with his mom during the summer visitation), I ran into several guys who were either single dads or facing the eventuality through divorce.  Those friendships often became opportunities for guys to commiserate, help each other babysit, or just hang out with the kids.  We all had common interests and similar struggles.

One of my early posts addressed the idea of building a team to help you when family was not around and you had an emergency at work.  But this post had a utilitarian feel.

What I heard this past Sunday reminded me of those friendships built with fellow travelers and friends and their wives and families who would do what they could to lend a hand.

Some thoughts about these relationships:

Relationships must work both ways.  You get out of it what you put into it.  One-sided relationships rarely stand the test of time.

You must be intentional about existing relationships and developing new ones.  Pastor Scott quoted someone (did not write the name down) who said, “You don’t realize how much you need people until you need people.”  Granted, we all have different personality types and this may come harder for you, but the principal remains the same…you have to decide to be a friend and to develop new ones.

Seek friendships with other single dads.  One of my single dad buddies from CrossFit became a close friend and his kids and my son had some great times playing and hanging out.  He had some great insight for me as I was settling in to the life of a single dad and we helped each other figure out some co-parenting issues as they came up.  People with common experiences and issues can provide great input and support.

It could be easy to fall into the trap of isolating and just going to work and raising your kids.  But that would rob you of the benefit of the advice and input of others, the realization that others have experienced similar difficulty, and the opportunity to gain some amazing friendships.

Have you been tempted to isolate as a single dad?  If not, what friend has made a lasting impact on your parenting?

Encouraging Your Kids At School

Leave a reply

In the first quarter of fifth grade, my son made the Principal’s List.  He earned all A’s and one B in his classes.  This was a first and he couldn’t have been prouder.

Photo Credit: cosiscience via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: cosiscience via Compfight cc

Last Friday, he received his second quarter report card.  He did not make the Principal’s List or the Honor Roll (all A’s and two B’s).  He earned three B’s.

Let me back up one step and let you know I believe kids should be kids and try not to overemphasize grades in elementary school.  I would rather my son develop good study habits and learn socialization than stress about making straight A’s.  This coming from someone who was a good student, but not a straight A student.

As I have told many, I am not burdened by extreme intellect.  But I hope I have enough book smarts and street smarts (AKA “wisdom”) to succeed as an adult.

When I looked at his report card, I decided to skip the usual responses:

“Hey, what happened this quarter?”

“Why did you get B’s when I know you can get A’s?”

“Did your friends make the Principal’s List?”

Instead, I asked him what his goals were for the next quarter.

Immediately, he said “I want to get back on the Principal’s List.”  No hesitation.

I affirmed his goal and will occasionally ask him how he is progressing…and I may even remind him of his goal when he begs to play a video game instead of reading for his Accelerated Reading requirement.

This will be a new adventure – my son has not set out to make goals, but this may be the perfect opportunity to get him thinking about what it takes to achieve future results.

I will keep you posted.

Have you set goals as a parent?  Have you found success in helping your kids set goals?

When Custody Handoffs Go Wrong

Leave a reply

My son was booked on a flight home from visitation with his mom this past Friday.

After a series of unrelated texts, I realized my son was not enroute and on a layover, but was instead still at his mom’s house.  Packed and ready to go.

Photo Credit: Frank Spee via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Frank Spee via Compfight cc

My ex apologized for the oversight (looking at the departure time from the layover city instead of origination city) and I started the rebooking process.

Fortunately, American Airlines quickly rebooked him for the following day and I did not have to pay any additional fees.  He arrived safely on Saturday evening.

How would you have reacted in this situation?  What would you have texted or emailed to your ex?

Within moments of finding out my son would not be home Friday evening, I cycled through several emotions, but once I caught my breath, the logical side of me kicked in and I went into problem-solving mode.  How do I explain this to the airline?  Will I need to use more miles/pay a fee?  What if he cannot get home until Sunday or Monday with all the holiday travel?

The emotional response quickly gave way to problem-solving.

Unless your ex habitually violates custody agreements (in which case you should reach out to your parenting coordinator, lawyer, therapist…whoever can help remedy the behavior), it is best to go through your emotional response before unloading on your ex.  Doing so would only add to the stress for you and your kid.

For the occasional hiccup, remember parenting (and co-parenting) is a marathon and showing some flexibility will diffuse a bad situation rather than escalate it.

Again, if your ex has a habit of doing this or does so with malice or no remorse, I would recommend seeking outside counsel to correct the behavior rather than go it alone and risking an emotional escalation with no custodial resolution.

Has your ex accidentally or deliberately violated your custody agreement?  What have you found to be the best way to approach these situations?