Tag Archives: dad

Wait Before Destroying The iPad

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Silence hangs over the house like a heavy blanket on an otherwise beautiful afternoon.

You have several kids at home…there should be noise, so your imagination takes over.

They must be outside trying cigarettes or drinking a beer in secret.  No way should they be this quiet.

But on your way to the back yard, you walk by the family room.  Each kid sits quietly on the sofa, almost shoulder to shoulder, ears plugged with earbuds, shoulders slouched, neck bent, eyes fixed on 3.1 million glorious pixels.  Not a creature stirred.

Moments like those make me want to yank out the earbuds and snatch every device.  Then, in front of the kids, use a ball pein hammer to delicately shatter each iPad screen, and show them the door to the back yard where they should be playing.

Photo Credit: Finnberg68 via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Finnberg68 via Compfight cc

But, since I have my own dysfunctional relationship with electronics, I tone down my response and give the kids five more minutes to wrap up before they get sent outside or must start a new, non-electronic activity.

So…what is it with our love-hate relationship with electronics and “screen time”?

As someone in my mid-40s, access to electronics growing up was limited.  I might just harbor jealousy when I see what amazing resources my son has access to.

Photo Credit: zigazou76 via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: zigazou76 via Compfight cc

I had to go to the library and look up articles on microfiche.  Part of me wants my son to share in my suffering.

Having just finished open house for my son’s fifth-grade class, half of the academic helps for our kids come in the form of iPad apps.  So, now he can legitimately say screen time equals study time.

So, should I just give up?

No.

It is time to embrace these amazing tools.  It is also time to recognize my son’s job will likely have a close tie to his ability to utilize screen time.

But I will help him find a balance.  He will hike with me.  He will set up a lemonade stand.  He will play an instrument.  He will play rugby.  He will help with DIY projects around the house.

And I might let him find the YouTube video to help out with the DIY project.

What role do electronics play in your home?  What is your biggest struggle?

Develop Your Kid’s Practical Intelligence

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My college roommate and I visited Florence, Italy in the summer of 1990.  After spending one month in London with nearly 200 students from our college, we took the opportunity to do a little sightseeing before heading home.

In the days before cell phones, we purchased phone cards (still used in many parts of the world) to use with pay phones to call home.  In Florence, I checked in with my parents to let them know where we were.

Photo Credit: Despotes via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Despotes via Compfight cc

My mom had some information for me as well.  My LSAT score came in.

She read me the score, and I began to formulate Plan B for my life.  Law school would still be possible, but not very likely.

Looking back at the ebb and flow of my career, I do not regret missing law school one bit.  I did not carry the debt and did not have to work in a meat-grinding law firm to pay it off.

The LSAT, like my SAT to get into college, proved I did not excel at taking tests.  Despite my deficiencies in test taking, I have managed to have a solid professional career.

I do not know if my son will excel at taking tests.  In our educational system, standardized tests continue to set the benchmark (do not get me started) for advancement, graduation, college and graduate school.

But what about helping students develop practical intelligence?  Why do we teach to tests, but not take the time to teach kids how to balance a checkbook?

You and I need to teach the practical.

Photo Credit: Despotes via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Despotes via Compfight cc

You and I need to teach life skills necessary for them to function and to flourish.

You and I need to prepare our kids for the real world.

If you have read this blog for any period of time, you will know I really respect the work Dr. Tim Elmore does.  I recommend you read this article about replacing entitlement with ownership and developing life skills.  Once again, Dr. Elmore nails it!

We dads should seize this great opportunity to help our kids grow and mature.  We naturally instruct and guide our kids with practical, how-to advice.  This list demonstrates just a few of the ways I have tried to develop practical intelligence with my 10-year-old son:

  • Opening doors for others…especially women
  • Making good food choices
  • Shaking hands and having good eye contact
  • Separating laundry
  • Cooking and using spices
  • Making the bed and basic cleaning around the house
  • Saving money and spending money
  • Being polite and respectful

This aspect of fatherhood excites me because the possibilities are endless and limitless.  Certain practical intelligence skills require your kids to hit a certain age, but overall we can instill life skills from an early age forward.

Best of all, I am certain you are already doing it…just take a moment to list what you have already taught, and then make a list of your next lessons.

When did you have a blast teaching your kids a particular life skill?  Which life skill is next on your list to teach?

Father’s Day Without My Son

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Before I get to today’s post, I would like to ask each of you to think about two or three single dads, whether they are full-time or have joint custody, who might benefit from being part of this community and discussion.  Please forward this or just the link to Full-Time Dad and do two things: 1) encourage them as single dads, and 2) ask them to subscribe and give input in this community.  Thanks for doing that and for taking the time each week to read – it means the world to me.

Now, on to the post…

Our custody arrangement always has my son with me on Mother’s Day and with my ex on Father’s Day.  And as much as I say Father’s Day is just a Hallmark money maker…I need to be honest and say it means more to me and being without him kind of sucks.  I know it also sucks for my ex.

Based on what he says, my son also wishes he could be with the appropriate parent on the appropriate day.

Photo Credit: Phil_Bird via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Phil_Bird via Compfight cc

If we were together on Father’s Day, we might take to the waves , go fishing, see a movie, take a hike in the mountains, or just chill out at home.  Instead, we had a phone call (his iPad is not functioning well, so no FaceTime) and a few text messages.  And due to some commitments at church, I did not travel to Tucson to see my dad.

Two dads without their sons on Father’s Day.

I posted a picture of my son, my dad and me on Facebook yesterday morning – and promptly got a lump in my throat.  I truly love each of them and want to be the best son and best father I can be.

So, what does a son-less father do on Father’s Day apart from having the brief, telephonic chat?

I gave thanks for my son.

I gave thanks for my dad.

I looked at some photos with both my son and my dad.

I thought about this community of dads (and a few moms) who I get to share these moments with, and know I am not the only parent who misses his kid when circumstances are not what we ever expected them to be.

Thank you for letting me get this off my chest this week.

I hope your Father’s Day reminded you to appreciate the honor we have to be dads.

Have you ever spent Father’s Day without your dad or kids?  What was your take-away from the experience?  No big deal?  A little guilt?  Or, “quit bugging me, the US Open is on”?

Saying Goodbye To My Son

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In a few days, I will walk my son down to the American Airlines gate and say goodbye to him for the summer.  The time has come for his annual, eight-week summer visitation with my ex.

Photo Credit: Roberto Trm via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Roberto Trm via Compfight cc

For nearly five years, I have traveled with him each time he flew, but this year he will fly alone at his request.  The airline charges an additional $300 round trip to accommodate him, and he will have someone with him at all times while negotiating the gate changes.  But it is a milestone nonetheless.

I have a love/hate relationship with this particular visit to see his mom.

I love the opportunity to catch my breath, to do a little less laundry, to read a little more, and to catch up with some friends I do not often see.

I hate not having him near, not playing with him, not tucking him into bed, not hanging out with my son for two months.

I know he wants and needs time with his mom, and understand how critically important it is for him to connect with maternal grandparents and relatives beyond phone calls or FaceTime sessions.

I know I will soon be the one on the other end of the phone or iPad for those brief moments to talk and tell each other what we have been doing during the summer.

I know how quickly eight weeks can fly by, but also know how long the walk will be from the American Airlines gate to my truck in the garage.  I know I will cry.

You may face a similar circumstance this summer or at some point – a time when you have to say goodbye to your kids so they can be with your ex or with her family.

During these times, consider the following:

Your kids did not choose this separation from their mom and they long for that connection.  Do not let those natural feelings they may share with you intimidate or make you feel like less of a father.

Allow your kids to be with their mom without guilt.  If we try to manipulate our kids so they will want to be with us instead of mom, it will backfire.  Again, I do not have a double-blind placebo study to back up that statement, but common sense tells me it is true.

Ask your kids how you should communicate with them while they are away.  I have made it a practice to ask my son how often he would like me to call or FaceTime.  In the past, I have smothered him, but learned over time the value of finding a balance with him.  Each child will have different communication needs, so let them tell you what they desire and find a balance.

When you walk by their empty bedrooms, express gratitude for being a dad.  When your kids return home, your grateful attitude will help ease their potentially rocky transition.

I can’t wait for you to come back home, son.

How do you prepare for an extended time away from your kids?  How do you prepare them for an extended time away?

Will You Please Remarry Mom?

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When will my kids be ready for me to date again?

Several months after my divorce, my son and I took one of our routine trips to the zoo.  I bought a membership to the Phoenix Zoo because I could take up to three kids, and my son always enjoyed having friends go with him.

But on this particular Saturday, only he and I went.  And as we entered the Savanna, teaming with giraffes and zebras, he asked if mom and I would get married again.

Photo by Jason

Photo by Jason

No matter the circumstance of the divorce and the feelings your ex may stir up inside, having an innocent child ask this question in hopes of the family reuniting and returning to the “old normal” can really turn on the guilt (and sympathy for your kid).

I stared at the giraffe for a few seconds, giving me time to could come up with a wise and comforting answer.

“No, buddy.  We won’t get married again.  Look!  Do you think that poop is from a giraffe or a zebra?”

Not exactly Dr. Phil, but I figured it best to answer and quickly divert.  It worked.

My son had asked the same question several times over the preceding months.  I answered in a similar fashion, trying to be consistent and empathetic: following up the statement with a touch or a hug.

My son (and, frankly, I) had more healing to do before contemplating dating.  Here are a few of those thoughts specifically related to my son:

  • He did not need to know if and when I decided to date.  This may be a function of your kid’s age and maturity, but I saw no reason to bring my son into my dating life.  If I had a date, he had a sitter and just knew dad was going out.  I did not provide details unless he asked, and then I told him I was having dinner with someone he did not know.  Usually, the conversation ended there.
  • When one date turned into multiple dates, I continued to keep it quiet.  Someone gave me some great advice…do not introduce your kid to someone you date (or their kids) until well into the relationship because if it ends, your kid may go through the equivalent of another divorce.  It is possible to have them meet and interact, even on a regular basis, but keep the relationship platonic in front of the kids.  The thrill of dating, especially when it begins to get more serious, can make you want to bring your kid into the relationship to check compatibility and just enjoy everyone being together.  But be sensitive to how your kid will react if it ends – another loss.
  • He needed me to be continue being a dad.  Enjoy dating, but be sure to set aside one-on-one time with your kid every day and make him a top priority.

How have your kids reacted to you dating or getting remarried?  What did you do to break the news?

Giving Space To Our Kids

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At first I thought I heard laughter from my son’s room.  But within seconds I knew first impressions were wrong.

I immediately began to walk down the hall to check on him.  Each step confirmed he was not laughing, but instead crying.  Not the type calling for me to race down the hall because of an injury, but the type calling for gentle, deliberate sympathy or empathy.

Photo Credit: stienman via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: stienman via Compfight cc

He was balled up on his bed with Blanket over him.  Always one for precision, my son named his soft, light green blanket Blanket.

Gently rolling back and forth he cried.

“What’s wrong, bud?”

Nothing.

“Are you okay?”

Through the tears and a little bit of snot, he said, “I miss Mommy.”

Before I could fully develop the words of comfort and encouragement, I said two short sentences.  “Mommy misses you, too.  Would you like some alone time or would you like me to stay?”

Every parent wants their kid to say, “Dad, please stay,” but mine said, “I want to be alone.”

And with a reassuring kiss on the forehead and squeeze on his shoulder, I got up and left with no words but, “Okay.”

For a brief time, his crying got louder, but he seemed to get it out and process the way he wanted to.  Before long, he came out to the kitchen and took a long drink of water.  He walked over to me and hugged my waist.

No words.  Just a hug.

“Dad, can I have a Power Crunch bar?”

He needed a little time and a little space to process emotion himself.  Next time, he may want me there, he may want some words of wisdom or encouragement.  Today, he wanted space.

 

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Transformation

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When The Transformers made their debut in the US, it was 1984 – my freshman year in high school.  Just a little too old for the action figures, I managed to watch the cartoon on occasion.  The novelty of a car or plane transforming into a robot and battling the forces of evil still held appeal to this 14-year-old.

By Avid Liongoren (http://society6.com/avidliongoren)

By Avid Liongoren (http://society6.com/avidliongoren)

My parents never bought me one of the Hasbro action figures (poor me), but several friends had them.  Transforming those toys from the vehicle into the robot seemed simple, but if one of my friends handed me the robot, transforming it back into the vehicle challenged me.  I could not seem to “see” the vehicle and clumsily bent hinges and twisted appendages until something seemed to take form.

Occasionally, I forced an arm or leg in a direction it was not intended to go.  You can imagine the result.

As dads, we want our kids to thrive and succeed as adults.  How do we help them in this transition/transformation?

Forcing them into something we have in our minds could result in breakage.

Our job as dads is to help them discover what vehicle they can become.  How do they engage, how do they learn, and how to they relate to others.

For this, I recommend another resource.  Jenifer Fox wrote “Your Child’s Strengths” – an excellent resource to help identify what makes your kids tick, what stimulates learning, and how they interact with people

Marcus Buckingham, known for his strengths-based approach to personal/professional growth, wrote the forward.  Dr. Fox does a very thorough job of unpacking this concept for kids.  A warning – she unpacks a lot of information, but also provides great tools and resources.

If this passage from the book resonates with you at all, you may want to take heed:

“These days, with parents increasingly pushing their kids to excel and focus earlier, the consequences for children are worrisome.  your child’s strength path is her own.  take notice of her uniqueness and the things she naturally gravitates toward and allow her to explore those in ways that feel positive and comfortable to her.” (“Your Child’s Strengths” page 111)

I cannot wait to see what my son becomes, and hope I do not do anything to force him to become a 1984 Freightliner Semi when he is uniquely designed to become a 1983 Porsche 911 Turbo.

Those are references to Optimus Prime and Jazz in case you’re wondering.

What unique quality – different from one of yours – have you seen in your kids?

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Thrive

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I love zombie shows.

As a teen I watched George A. Romero’s Dawn of the Dead and Lucio Fulci’s Zombie.  I was hooked.

Photo Credit: whatsupbuttercup via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: whatsupbuttercup via Compfight cc

Something about those stories connect with me.  I do not subscribe to the notion of a coming zombie apocalypse, I am not a prepper, and I do not have a stockpile of crossbows, guns and knives.

But I connect with the raw notion of survival.  Preservation of life.  My life.  And my kid’s life.

Sticking with the post-apocalyptic theme, Cormac McCarthy’s The Road tells a powerful tale of a father’s deep drive to protect his son.  Survival.

Life as a single dad triggers the survival gene.  We want to protect our kids, and we also want to survive the sometimes-overwhelming experience.

I have a mentoring relationship with a tremendous man of faith and encouragement.  During one of our meetings, he declared to me his desire to see me thrive.  The word hung in the air.  Thrive.

Thrive: grow or develop well, prosper, flourish.

It had been easy for me to accept words of consolation for single parenting.  I let those words put me in a mindset of survival.

My mentor called me to thrive.

The late Maya Angelou said this: “My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”  Parenting – single or not – takes each of those…especially humor.

How do we pivot from surviving to thriving?

Do not live in fear.  Instead teach our kids about growing up, about what it means to be a man or woman, about responsibility, and about making smart choices.  I know I have made enough mistakes to teach and impart wisdom from experience.

Take the time to reflect on your parenting style – do you operate out of survival?  Do you consider the day a success if you did not experience any casualties – even if no one is growing or flourishing?  Sometimes we parent just to get to the next safe harbor and wait for the zombies to catch up with us.

I have been there.  More times than I want to admit.

So, today, I remind you and me to inject some passion, some humor, and some grace into our parenting.   Let’s thrive!

What parts of parenting feel more like surviving than thriving?