Tag Archives: dad

Single Fatherhood And The Letter “T”

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This past week will stand out in my memory.  Had a great time with my son on Veterans Day, went on a business trip with a favorite client, saw many old friends, made new friends, and got engaged on Saturday.

So, technically, I will not qualify as a full-time dad much longer.  But this blog will continue as long as I can provide content of value to you.  Plus, every post seems to help me (and some married dads) parent a little better – remind me of some things forgotten or neglected.

Photo Credit: B Tal via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: B Tal via Compfight cc

Reserving the right to interrupt the upcoming series should something pertinent come along, I plan to take the next several weeks to address what I call the T’s of single fatherhood.  Yes, they can apply to all fathers, but we face some unique challenges and have some incredible opportunities I would like to explore with respect to these words:

  • Time
  • Touch
  • Teach
  • Train
  • Talk
  • Truth
  • Trust
  • Therapy
  • Thank
  • Thrive
  • Transform
  • Tailor

I look forward to a great conversation ahead – please join me.

Do you have a suggested “T” word to add to this list?

 

 

Make Sure Your Kids Celebrate Their Mom’s Birthday

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My son spends both my birthday and my ex’s birthday with me.  He is young enough to have limited ability or interest to keep track of any more than his birthday, Christmas, and whether or not it is Friday so he does not have to go to school the next day.

I felt badly waking up on my birthday this year and casually telling my son what day it was.  He felt badly he did not know and gave me a big hug.

Photo Credit: Robots are Stupid via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Robots are Stupid via Compfight cc

We do not have family in town to remind him to make me a card (no glitter please…I hate that stuff) or wake me up to a cheery rendition of “Happy Birthday” at the crack of dawn.  And I am OK with that, although I am sure there is a better way.

But what to do with my ex’s birthday?  Despite the physical and emotional distance between the two of us, making sure my son knows about her birthday and making sure he sends a card and speaks with her must be a priority.

I have no interest in spending money on my ex, but the cost of a card or supplies to make a card (including glitter if he wants to send her some) is worth every penny.  Me reminding him about mom’s birthday allows him to connect with her and not feel tension he may experience at other times.  It helps maintain an emotional connection and allows for positive interaction between the two of them.

So, here is what I recommend:

  • Set a calendar reminder about one week before your ex’s birthday.  That gives you enough time to go with your kid to pick out a card or gather the supplies to make one for her.
  • Do not dictate the message.  Let the card be 100 percent from your kid – mom’s know what words are theirs and which ones are yours.
  • Make sure your kid calls or FaceTimes mom on her birthday.  Let him know you recognize it is an important day – just like his and yours.

You will see benfits to doing this:

  • You will gain trust with your kid.  He understands something painful happened between you and mom, and knows you actively engage him with significant events in mom’s life.
  • You may see improved co-parenting because this fosters trust and appreciation with your ex.  Can’t hurt…might help.
  • You may encourage reciprocal actions on the part of your ex.

We all need to heal from our divorces.  Holding on to anger and disappointment does not allow for healing.  Channeling our anger through our kids harms everyone, so find a way to have them acknowledge and celebrate important events in your ex’s life.

How do you celebrate your birthday with your kids?

FaceTime, Your Ex, And Your Kid

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Depending on your parenting agreement (and probably the age of your kid), you may have a regular schedule for communication between your ex and your kid.  You may also have received input from a therapist or parenting coordinator for building some regularity and consistency into that communication.

For a time, my son (in kindergarten at the time) and my ex spoke via Skype every day at 6pm.  Because of certain technological constraints, we had to be at the house each day at the appointed time – not always an easy or convenient task.  But it came at a crucial time where the regular vocal and visual connection made a difference.  I do not have scientific data or double-blind placebo tests to prove anything, but I know my son benefited from the time with his mom.

Fast forward a few years and my son and my ex communicate differently.  Between FaceTime on his iPad, texting on his iPad, and phone calls with my phone – they find their own groove.

What advice would I give you with respect to facilitating communication between your kid and your ex?

Assuming there is no legal or therapeutic guidance to restrict communication, here are three thoughts:

Never force your kid to speak to mom.  While your intention to ensure keeping to a schedule promotes consistency, your kid may have the occasional off-day.  If you force conversation, it could make it seem like a punishment.  Instead, you may try informing your ex about the circumstance and also encourage your child to send a text message, pose for a picture you could send her, or write a note/draw a picture you could scan and email.  You will know if your kid uses this as manipulation, but my recollection is my son had the occasional day he just did not want to talk and did not make it a habit.

Remind your kid to reach out to mom.  As kids age they get caught up with friends, homework, hobbies, and any number of distractions.  Make a point to ask if they’ve spoken or texted with mom lately.  Not only does this promote connectedness between mom and kid, but it also communicates you care about their relationship.

Do not eavesdrop.  Many court-ordered parenting agreements already require privacy, but sometimes, with mobile devices and the normal course of walking through the house to do everything you have to do, you will hear parts and pieces of the conversation between kid and mom.  Do your best to minimize and give them privacy.

You have been given the gift of custody of your kids, and the emotion linked to your ex can be strong.  I encourage you to take a step back from those emotions and make sure you appropriately nurture as positive a relationship between kid and mom as possible – I believe your kid will benefit.  I have seen it in my son.  If you have a question about it, ask a counselor, parenting coordinator, or your lawyer.  It never hurts to get a second opinion from a neutral party.

What suggestions do you have to promote healthy communication between your kid and your ex?

Surviving Halloween

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October 31, 2014 marks the fifth Halloween since becoming a single dad.  Once again, I am not quite prepared and only have a few days to go.

We have not yet carved pumpkins or spread fake spider webs all over the front porch.  Fortunately, my mom sent a second-hand costume to my son and I avoided going to the Halloween superstores occupying those vacant big box stores across Phoenix.  In my defense, my son asked specifically to wear his cousin’s old costume.

Over these years, two things have helped me survive the sugar-infused holiday and may help you.

Invite the Candy Witch to your house.  This woman has single-handedly made Halloween awesome (and I do not even remember who gave me this idea to appropriately express thanks and give credit).  Here is the deal – much like the Tooth Fairy, the Candy Witch visits homes when kids sleep.  She whisks away candy and leaves behind another treat.  Could be money, could be an Xbox game, could be just about anything without high fructose corn syrup.

As a bonus, the Candy Witch allows kids to keep up to ten pieces of candy from their Halloween booty, so they get the best of both worlds.  It may cost me a few dollars, but saves both of us from having piles of candy around the house.  And my coworkers do not seem to mind the fun size M&Ms and Snickers arriving at the office after Halloween.

Find a block party to attend.  We have spent each of the past four Halloweens at one of two block parties, complete with pot lucks and group trick-or-treating.  Both adults and kids have a great time and you get off the hook from having to hand out candy at your own house.  To find one, ask other parents from school.  The cost of admission rarely involves more than making some chili or bringing some glow-sticks.  My son has not quite decided what he wants to do this year…he thinks scaring trick-or-treaters coming to our house might be fun, but has not issued the final verdict.

Do you have a favorite Halloween hack?

Tips For Making School Lunch For Your Kids

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My son hates cafeteria food and refuses to eat it.  Instead, he wants a healthy lunch from home every day, and a healthy snack or two for his break during school and at the after-school program.

Photo Credit: Ben+Sam via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Ben+Sam via Compfight cc

I realize my fortune.  My son’s favorite meal consists of sautéed beef heart and onions with a side of asparagus (neither of us like liver), and he would rather eat one of my meals at home than go out.  He is an adventurous eater and I could not ask for much more.

But what to do about school lunch?  How can I possibly prepare a good meal and still keep my sanity in the morning?  Here are some ideas you might be able to use.

  1. Keep it simple.  Do not fall into the trap of making lunch aesthetically pleasing.  If you have ever worked lunchroom duty you know the cafeteria is chaos and kids either shovel the food in their mouths or end up throwing most of it away.  The time is limited and they do not seem to care if your lettuce wraps have fallen apart.
  2. Ask them what they like.  My son can eat the same thing almost every day of the week.  Right now, he loves grass-fed roast beef, some cheese, sliced red peppers, and a small sweet for dessert.  He just finished a phase of turkey, cheese, and cucumbers.  As the weather cools, he might switch to homemade chili in a Thermos.  I make it a point to have the conversation during the weekend and do my shopping for the week on Sunday.  If he complains, I simply remind him he asked for what he got and will have the opportunity to make requests for the following week.
  3. Prepare as much as possible on Sunday.  Once we determine the menu for the week and complete shopping, I prep all the food and put it in Ziploc bags or other containers and store in the refrigerator so nothing more is required than filling the lunchbox and swapping out the ice pack (get at least three) in those chaotic pre-school moments.  Doing everything in one sitting and having food pre-positioned in the refrigerator sure beats rushing around, looking for shoes and socks, cooking breakfast, and making lunch simultaneously.
  4. Try to keep the meals balanced and colorful.  As previously mentioned, many parents wish they had my son to feed – he is easy.  Try your best to keep meals interesting and healthful.  These books really helped me out early on:  Eat Like a Dinosaur, and Primal Cravings.  Also, check out NomNom Paleo for great, healthful lunch ideas.

We love our kids and we have our hands full with parenting, work, and maintaining our homes. Sometimes buying school lunch (aka “hot lunch”) makes life simpler.  But give making lunch a try and tell your kids you want to give them the best food possible and want to be the one to prepare it for them.  And you can also write funny notes and put them in their lunch box.

What time saving ideas for lunch have you used?

 

One Big Mistake Single Dads Make

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There was the time my son watched 2 straight hours of Ultimate Spider-Man while my fingers pecked away at emails and a memo for a client.

There was the time I forgot about his spelling test the next day and I did not review the words with him.

Stop and think about the times you wish you could hit the redo button with your kids.

Did any involve something you said to them?  Did you exact too harsh a punishment without explanation?  Let them get too close to danger?  Did you mIss an opportunity to have a teachable moment?

All of those might resonate with you (or will resonate one of these days), so what do we do about them?

Live, learn and let go.

We make a big mistake by worrying about our parental missteps and holding on to them.  We must recognize we will stumble and fall as parents, but we can pick ourselves up and learn from those failures.

Maybe the guilt associated with our kids not having a mom around most or all of the time eats at us and magnifies our mistakes.  Maybe our drive as providers kicks in to overdrive as single dads (along with hyper-criticism of our performance).

Whatever your mistakes, learn from them and become a better dad.  Kids can forgive and, based on what my son told me, understand we do not get it right every time.

What was a mistake you made and what was your lesson-learned?

Your Child Always Hears What You Say About Your Ex

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My son informed me I do not have eyes in the back of my head.  To which I inquired, “then how did I know you were playing on your iPad when you were not supposed to?”

He scrunched his face a little, appearing to think hard.  “I don’t know, but you don’t have eyes in the back of your head.”

Our kids, on the other hand, have huge ears.  Massive, Dumbo-like ears.  They hear everything you do not want them hearing.  Like that time you stubbed your toe on the table.  Or that time you tried to plan a surprise birthday party and your kid overheard you on the phone inviting one of their friends.

Photo Credit: eltpics via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: eltpics via Compfight cc

They also hear everything related to your prior marriage.  They do not really hear everything, but you must assume they do.

As best I know, I have not said an unkind word about my ex-wife or our divorce where my son was remotely nearby or able to hear.  He has asked me questions and I answer those as appropriate (see my post on this topic).  But as much as I have uncanny dad hearing, he has amazing kid hearing when he wants to.  Why is it never when I ask him to clean his room?  That discussion is for another day.

If your kids hear words said in anger or sarcasm or cruelty or revenge toward your ex, the damage will be significant and those words will not be forgotten.  They put your kids in the position of reconciling those words about a parent they love without context, maturity, or wisdom to process.  Bottom line: it does harm to everyone – including you.

If you find yourself needing to deal with conflict and issues involving your ex, talk to a therapist, clergy or a trusted friend.  Venting where you kids could hear you might indicate you need to do some of your own relational work.

As time has passed since my divorce, emotions level out and I seem to think less about the issues surrounding my ex and more about how I have matured and changed as a man.  If you find yourself recently wounded and angry, I get it and understand the desire to vent.  But know your kids will be wounded if they hear you saying anything negative about their mom.

I also understand some of you may be in a situation where their mom could pose a real threat to your kids’ safety.  Even in that case, I would encourage you to seek help from a professional who can give you words and tools to help your kids cope.

If you said something negative about your ex, intentionally or not, in front of your kids, how did they react?  What did you do next?

Did Steve Jobs Just Fire My Babysitter?

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My first real computer was an Apple Macintosh SE/30.  It’s massive 30MB hard drive handled the operating system and all my programs with ease.

Photo Credit: CyphermX via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: CyphermX via Compfight cc

Since my first purchase in 1990, Apple has been my exclusive personal computer provider.  Despite some lean years and misfires, Apple has consistently designed for the end user.  Steve Jobs cast the vision (during his various tenures at Apple) and I followed.

Fast forward to 2014.  My full-frame Nikon takes single photos larger than 30MB in RAW format.  And my son has a 16GB iPad Mini with the memory equivalent of over 530 Macintosh SE/30s.

And he loves his iPad.  Honestly, I love mine, too.

My son is able to text and FaceTime his mom, and it has changed the nature of how we communicate with our loved ones in incredible ways.

But…

It has also changed the way kids and grown ups interact with technology.  Games, movies, music, social media, and texting consume a great deal of time and attention before we realize it.

So, what does all this have to do with single dads?  Well, if you are like me, you have let electronics substitute for your time and attention when other duties called.  Whether for a conference call, a chore, preparing a meal, or just getting a moment to breathe, I have let my son’s iPad play babysitter.  That babysitter keeps him quiet (unless he asks to buy another new game) and engaged so I can concentrate.

Last week, this article appeared on nytimes.com – apparently Steve Jobs strictly enforced technology rules for his kids at home.  What?  Are you kidding?  And I’m pretty sure he even got the Apple employee discount on his kids’ iPads.

The article generated several ideas about technology:

  1. Technology does not belong at meals.  On special occasions, watching a movie and eating dinner in the family room can be a blast.  But, dinner time should generally be about the family – whatever that looks like.  We play word games at the table when conversation lulls.  Try Rory’s Story Cubes, Tall Tale, or something from Family Time Fun Dinner Games.
  2. We need to limit technology time (including television) for our kids.  A quick Google search or inquiry with a therapist/pediatrician will tell you our kids watch too much television and spend too much time with their computers, phones, and tablets.  Take a few days to keep a technology log and see how much your kids actually consume.    It may shock you like it did me.  Then set limits based on professional advice and common sense.
  3. Our kids know how much screen time we use.  To us, we are simply checking our email, responding to a text message, looking up directions, posting a status update, or playing a quick game.  Our kids simply see us mind melding with our phones and ignoring them.  How many adults do you see each day walking down a sidewalk with their faces looking down at their devices?  Probably none since you are walking down a sidewalk looking at your device.  I do it, too.  And kids do not even see much of our television time…not that any of us binge watch True Detective or The Walking Dead once the kids go to sleep.
  4. We need to set an example for our kids.  My son recently had a no-screen time Friday and Saturday because he talked in class one-too-many-times during the week.  During his technology hiatus, he asked me to quit working on the computer and play with him.  What a great opportunity to connect with him in some quality roughhousing and a friendly game of checkers.

Bottom line:  do not feel guilty for letting technology entertain or educate your kids.  Do keep a close eye on what and how much they consume.

What technology challenges do you face at your home?  Do you limit screen time, and if so, what limits did you set?