Tag Archives: single parenting

Giving Space To Our Kids

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At first I thought I heard laughter from my son’s room.  But within seconds I knew first impressions were wrong.

I immediately began to walk down the hall to check on him.  Each step confirmed he was not laughing, but instead crying.  Not the type calling for me to race down the hall because of an injury, but the type calling for gentle, deliberate sympathy or empathy.

Photo Credit: stienman via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: stienman via Compfight cc

He was balled up on his bed with Blanket over him.  Always one for precision, my son named his soft, light green blanket Blanket.

Gently rolling back and forth he cried.

“What’s wrong, bud?”

Nothing.

“Are you okay?”

Through the tears and a little bit of snot, he said, “I miss Mommy.”

Before I could fully develop the words of comfort and encouragement, I said two short sentences.  “Mommy misses you, too.  Would you like some alone time or would you like me to stay?”

Every parent wants their kid to say, “Dad, please stay,” but mine said, “I want to be alone.”

And with a reassuring kiss on the forehead and squeeze on his shoulder, I got up and left with no words but, “Okay.”

For a brief time, his crying got louder, but he seemed to get it out and process the way he wanted to.  Before long, he came out to the kitchen and took a long drink of water.  He walked over to me and hugged my waist.

No words.  Just a hug.

“Dad, can I have a Power Crunch bar?”

He needed a little time and a little space to process emotion himself.  Next time, he may want me there, he may want some words of wisdom or encouragement.  Today, he wanted space.

 

How To Incorporate Fitness Into Your Parenting Routine

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Arizonans have the great fortune of mostly great weather from September (fine…October) through May.  Summer gets a little on the hot side, but air conditioning takes the edge off.

Photo Credit: MattB.net via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: MattB.net via Compfight cc

On Saturday, my son and I went trail riding with a buddy and his son.  For just over an hour we biked around the North Mountain trail system, had a blast in perfect weather, and began planning the next outing.

I drove away thinking about how much I despise exercise bikes but love getting outside and doing an activity with my son and our friends.  I also recalled how much fun I had a few summers ago at Core CrossFit where I did a two month stint with some great people and really improved my physical and mental health.  I thought about how my son loves to be thrown in the pool and how much exercise I get launching him and his buddies into the deep end.

I also thought about a post by Mark Sisson – one of my favorite fitness and health gurus – wrote about the importance of play.  In fact, it earns a spot on his definitive guide to primal living.

Why do I mention all this?  Because I suspect, like me, you struggle to find time to train, to lift, to play a pick-up game of basketball or anything.

But, if Mark is right, we can figure out ways to play with our kids and train at the same time.  Maybe we just play a little harder…put our bikes a lower gear…make a game out of throwing those 40-80 pound weights into the deep end and consciously creating a full-body workout.

Some thoughts…

  • Build play time into your routine.  Assuming you raise your kids alone, and assuming they are on the younger side, it goes without saying you should not sneak out before they get up to go to the gym.  Maybe you have the flexibility to stop by the gym after work and before you pick your kids up from their daycare/after-school program.  If not, set aside time two or three times per week to play with them – you can play harder than them to both work up a sweat and strengthen your relationship with them.
  • Use kettlebells at home.  I love my kettlebells.  My son used to call them kettleballs and I’m just immature enough to laugh just thinking about it.  They do not take up much room and you can get a great workout.  My chiropractor recommend them to me years ago and I got hooked.  You can find them at just about any sporting goods store, but I recommend you get them from the master – Pavel Tsatsouline (I have no .
    Photo Credit: pullsh_active via Compfight cc

    Photo Credit: pullsh_active via Compfight cc

    I had the chance to attend a seminar by Pavel several years ago, and he’s the real deal.  His most recent book, by far my favorite, lays out a simple and straightforward way to train efficiently and effectively.  Note: if you have never used kettlebells, please find someone in your area trained in the proper use and go get a one-on-one lesson or attend a class.  If you do not have access to that or do not want to spend a ton of money, check out Steve Cotter’s excellent DVD – he gives about the best training on proper form you could get from a video.

  • Use bodyweight exercises at home.  You cannot beat the cost of doing bodyweight exercises at home.  And you can do them when you only have a few minutes to allocate toward exercise.  Push ups.  Pull ups.  Lunges.  Squats.  Simple.  While this guide can be a little over-the-top in terms of the back story, Convict Conditioning provides a great road map for an effective, measured approach to bodyweight exercises.

and, finally…

  • MovNat.  In 2010, I attended a MovNat workshop in Phoenix.  I, along with about 20 others, spent the day at a park balancing on benches, shimmying up playground equipment, crawling in the grass, learning how to tumble, and generally having an awesome time.  Our instructor was Clifton Harski who kept us in stitches and taught the fundamentals of movement, balance, and having a great time.  My classmates were gym owners, fitness enthusiasts, and people far more flexible and strong than me.  If you sign up for MovNat’s newsletter, you get a weekly email with a type of movement to incorporate into your training – things like climbing techniques, balancing, jumping, throwing.  You could take one of the weekly suggestions and do them with your kids on your play/fitness days.

I struggle to do all of this.  I often want to just sit down and rest.  But I feel better when I move.  I feel better when I get dirty.  I feel better when I can laugh with my son out on a trail.  I feel better knowing I am modeling healthy activity for him.

What is your favorite “fitness” activity with your kids?  What activity would you like to try?

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Tailor

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“Shopping for clothes” does not appear in my top 10 list of enjoyable things to do.  Would you believe it does not appear in my top 50?  Believe it.

Photo Credit: eastmidtown via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: eastmidtown via Compfight cc

My work requires dress shirts, and I am one of those guys who cannot find an off-the-rack shirt to fit me well.  Apparently, most men with my neck size and sleeve length have the body frame of a refrigerator.  Even the fitted shirts make me feel a little like Jerry Seinfeld in his pirate shirt.

Back when in my single days, living in DC, I had more disposable income and had some custom shirts made.  Those fit perfectly.  The fine folks at The Custom Shop in Pentagon City Mall measured me and constructed my shirts.  And when a piece of clothing fits perfectly, you feel good and it seems worth the time and money.

Over the past couple months, you have read several “Ts” of single fatherhood.  You may have talked with a counselor, a relative, a friend, another single dad, or a mentor and gotten parenting advice.  You have probably read a book or two on discipline strategies, potty training, how to talk to your kids about s-e-x, or picked up one of the books I have recommended.

Hopefully, no one has claimed a corner on truth or effectiveness.  Each one of us have a unique story about how we got here.  Each one of us have kids from birth to teen, boy and girl, adjusted  and troubled.

Off-the-rack parenting solutions do not always work.  We have the massive challenge of figuring out what works for us and our kids.  And what works during one season of your kid’s life may not work in the next.

Trial and error sucks, but I have not found The Customized Parent shop at any mall…yet.

What I have found is people want single dads to succeed and thrive.  They care about the welfare of our kids and know we could use an encouraging word, a bit of advice, and a heap of grace in parenting.

Our kids also want us to thrive, because they, in turn, will thrive.  If one of the parenting ideas we pulled off-the-rack bellyflops, we need to own it and usually the kids will understand we are trying.

So, keep asking for advice and help.  Keep reading books and blogs.  But realize you may need to adjust the sleeves and bring it in a little.

What parenting advice did you receive and execute that ended up failing?

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Transformation

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When The Transformers made their debut in the US, it was 1984 – my freshman year in high school.  Just a little too old for the action figures, I managed to watch the cartoon on occasion.  The novelty of a car or plane transforming into a robot and battling the forces of evil still held appeal to this 14-year-old.

By Avid Liongoren (http://society6.com/avidliongoren)

By Avid Liongoren (http://society6.com/avidliongoren)

My parents never bought me one of the Hasbro action figures (poor me), but several friends had them.  Transforming those toys from the vehicle into the robot seemed simple, but if one of my friends handed me the robot, transforming it back into the vehicle challenged me.  I could not seem to “see” the vehicle and clumsily bent hinges and twisted appendages until something seemed to take form.

Occasionally, I forced an arm or leg in a direction it was not intended to go.  You can imagine the result.

As dads, we want our kids to thrive and succeed as adults.  How do we help them in this transition/transformation?

Forcing them into something we have in our minds could result in breakage.

Our job as dads is to help them discover what vehicle they can become.  How do they engage, how do they learn, and how to they relate to others.

For this, I recommend another resource.  Jenifer Fox wrote “Your Child’s Strengths” – an excellent resource to help identify what makes your kids tick, what stimulates learning, and how they interact with people

Marcus Buckingham, known for his strengths-based approach to personal/professional growth, wrote the forward.  Dr. Fox does a very thorough job of unpacking this concept for kids.  A warning – she unpacks a lot of information, but also provides great tools and resources.

If this passage from the book resonates with you at all, you may want to take heed:

“These days, with parents increasingly pushing their kids to excel and focus earlier, the consequences for children are worrisome.  your child’s strength path is her own.  take notice of her uniqueness and the things she naturally gravitates toward and allow her to explore those in ways that feel positive and comfortable to her.” (“Your Child’s Strengths” page 111)

I cannot wait to see what my son becomes, and hope I do not do anything to force him to become a 1984 Freightliner Semi when he is uniquely designed to become a 1983 Porsche 911 Turbo.

Those are references to Optimus Prime and Jazz in case you’re wondering.

What unique quality – different from one of yours – have you seen in your kids?

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Thrive

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I love zombie shows.

As a teen I watched George A. Romero’s Dawn of the Dead and Lucio Fulci’s Zombie.  I was hooked.

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Photo Credit: whatsupbuttercup via Compfight cc

Something about those stories connect with me.  I do not subscribe to the notion of a coming zombie apocalypse, I am not a prepper, and I do not have a stockpile of crossbows, guns and knives.

But I connect with the raw notion of survival.  Preservation of life.  My life.  And my kid’s life.

Sticking with the post-apocalyptic theme, Cormac McCarthy’s The Road tells a powerful tale of a father’s deep drive to protect his son.  Survival.

Life as a single dad triggers the survival gene.  We want to protect our kids, and we also want to survive the sometimes-overwhelming experience.

I have a mentoring relationship with a tremendous man of faith and encouragement.  During one of our meetings, he declared to me his desire to see me thrive.  The word hung in the air.  Thrive.

Thrive: grow or develop well, prosper, flourish.

It had been easy for me to accept words of consolation for single parenting.  I let those words put me in a mindset of survival.

My mentor called me to thrive.

The late Maya Angelou said this: “My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”  Parenting – single or not – takes each of those…especially humor.

How do we pivot from surviving to thriving?

Do not live in fear.  Instead teach our kids about growing up, about what it means to be a man or woman, about responsibility, and about making smart choices.  I know I have made enough mistakes to teach and impart wisdom from experience.

Take the time to reflect on your parenting style – do you operate out of survival?  Do you consider the day a success if you did not experience any casualties – even if no one is growing or flourishing?  Sometimes we parent just to get to the next safe harbor and wait for the zombies to catch up with us.

I have been there.  More times than I want to admit.

So, today, I remind you and me to inject some passion, some humor, and some grace into our parenting.   Let’s thrive!

What parts of parenting feel more like surviving than thriving?

“Ts” of Single Fatherhood – Thanks

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I stood there in the climbing harness, unable to get comfortable despite the constant adjusting.  The crisp mountain air felt great and almost made me forget the discomfort.

I looked up at the obstacle course at Flagstaff Extreme and honestly thought the wire lines did not look very high, at least compared to what I anticipated.

I dominated the instruction/demo course which sat a full four feet above the ground.  Bring on the real deal.

Photo Credit: Kate Hedin via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Kate Hedin via Compfight cc

Lesson learned.  Looking up at a wire or obstacle 25 feet from the ground could not compare with looking down at the ground from 25 feet.  I had some serious puckering going on up there.

We all know the power of perspective.  A slightly different angle.  A differing opinion.  The wisdom of an elder.  A pair of glasses.  Each can completely change what we see.

Take a moment to forget the cooking, the laundry, the bills, the toys on the ground, the crying, the dirty shoes, the glitter, the homework, the little league team, the Wiggles, and the Lego you just stepped on.

Take a moment to adjust your perspective and express thanks you can call yourself “dad”.

Tell your kids “thanks” for something they did no matter how small.

Incorporate “thanks” (or gratitude or gratefulness…whichever resonates with you) for fatherhood and your kids into your prayers, your conversations, and your thoughts – especially when chaos reigns.

When you have those “pucker” moments with your kids, just remember to be thankful you have the privilege of being a dad.  It may help you be a better one.  And I, for one, could use the help sometimes.

 

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Therapy

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In the early days of original programming on Comedy Central, Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist told the story of a neurotic therapist, his neurotic son, and lots of guest stars with multiple neuroses.

Way before Dr. Katz was the old-school Bob Newhart Show full of great characters and stories from the therapist’s couch way beyond my comprehension.

Even Tony Soprano went to a psychiatrist and the show got all Freudian on us at times.

Photo Credit: Spiterman via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Spiterman via Compfight cc

Well, put all those characters, generalizations, and preconceived notions of therapy aside and consider the following – as a single dad, some kind of therapy may be in your future!

Given your position in life, you may have already been to a counselor for something associated with the departure of your kids’ mother whether it came from death, divorce or separation. And you probably did not see anyone quite like Dr. Katz.

Instead, you probably saw a licensed therapist, counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist who helped you process things – like emotions – many guys struggle with. You might have also gotten some tools to help you deal with those emotions and gotten some real value out of your investment of time. While I have not finished the book yet, you should check out Donald Miller’s new book, “Scary Close” which explores these issues – what I have read so far is excellent.

For our kids, therapy can have great value. Maybe a therapist gives you tools to help you play with, talk to, relate to, or better nurture your kids. Maybe a therapist can serve as the trusted person your kid can talk to about the loss they experience. Maybe a psychiatrist can assist in dealing with neurological/biological issues affecting your kid’s mental health.

In short, we have many tools at our disposal as single dads, and these professionals can, and often should, play a part in our lives. If you have already seen one, you know the value quality therapy delivers.

If you have not, consider going to one specializing in family/children to do nothing more than check in and talk about your single parenting experience and some of your concerns and frustrations. You might get some of those parenting tools, enhance your effectiveness, and bring greater emotional health to you and the kiddos.

If you do not know where to find one, ask another single parent, your attorney, or a leader at your church.

In short, do not let preconceived notions keep you from utilizing a potentially powerful tool to improve your parenting and your kids’ emotional health.

What was the most effective or impactful parenting tool or lesson you got from a therapist?

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Trust

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I heard a story about a father and daughter visiting the Grand Canyon and walking along one of the trails. One narrow stretch of dirt pathway appeared quite treacherous and the father got a little scared. He asked his daughter to hold his hand for safety.

Photo Credit: Jim Boswell via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Jim Boswell via Compfight cc

The daughter replied, “No, you hold my hand.”

Puzzled, the father asked what the difference was.

The daughter replied, “If I hold your hand, I might let go if something goes wrong. If you hold my hand, I know you’ll never let go.”

First, let me apologize for using a sappy story. I will try not to do it again.

Second, let’s talk about trust in our relationship with our kids. When death, divorce or separation has brought them into a predominately single-parent world, trust can be tenuous. Can dad be trusted or is the world now an untrustworthy place? Will my questions be answered honestly or will dad lie to make everything seem better?

Your kids may be asking slightly different questions, but at the core, they want to know if they can trust your words, your presence, and your commitment.

The little girl in the story viewed handholding as a relational bond, not a physical one.

So, how do we foster a trusting environment with our kids? Think about these ideas:

I DO WHAT I SAY: My son (and I suspect your kids) holds my feet to the fire when it comes to consistency and follow through. Ever tell your kid if they do a chore you will take them to QuickTrip for a treat? Nano seconds after they complete the task, they are all over you about when you will take them. Am I right?

Ever threaten your kid with punishment for some minor infraction (mainly because you are frustrated and tired) and then not actually invoke the consequence? Your kid will remember your threats can be idle. Trust is diminished.

Be slow to speak and be thoughtful, because your words need to match your actions. Trust will increase when your words hold true. If, for some reason,, you cannot follow through, take the time to offer an explanation…and honest explanation…so trust will not erode.

I SAY WHAT I DO: Kids have amazing imaginations. So, if you allow them room to create their own narrative for words or facts you leave out of an explanation, they will come up with some amazing (and potentially harmful) stories. Kind of like a bad game of parenting Mad Libs, except not as funny and possibly harmful to your relationship.

My son pretty consistently asked me if I was dating anyone. In fact, we were driving back from visiting my parents one day, and he informed me I could get a girlfriend simply by providing some pertinent information to eHarmony.com. He was seven at the time and, frankly, my dating life was not any of his business. But, he cared enough to ask and deserved an appropriate answer. I gave him an honest answer he could understand at his age, and he was not forced to make up his own narrative about my dating life.

Uncertainly and mystery do not foster trust. Give age-appropriate or situation-appropriate explanations, but do not force your kids to create their own explanations when you could otherwise build trust.  So, like the girl in the sappy story suggested, lean in to your relationship and strengthen the bond with your kids.

Name a time you have threatened a punishment and not followed through. What were the consequences? Also, share a question your kids asked and you did not want to give an answer.