Tag Archives: Donald Miller

FLASHBACK – What Every Single Dad Needs To Know About Discipline

This week has been full of coughing and craziness, so I decided to reach back into the archive and pull out a post I needed to re-read myself. Consistency in your approach to discipline is critical and I hope this will give you some encouragement and perspective.

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You know the drill. Before a business negotiation you and your partner decide which one will be the good cop and which one will be the bad cop. Some have it down to a science…and then there is me.

I have a tough time being a bad cop – something about being a people-pleaser and watching too much Andy Griffith Show growing up.

I relate to Alan Arkin as the precinct captain in “So I Married an Axe Murderer” who struggles to find his tough cop voice.

Many of us remember the infamous line from our childhood, “Just wait until your father gets home!” Cliche, but pretty accurate. Dad was the enforcer and mom was more of the compassionate cop you could go to after the fireworks (or the belt strap).

I do not want to suggest healthy parenting requires parents to be good cops and bad cops on some rotating basis to keep the rugrats obedient.

As single-fathers we know it’s way more nuanced. You and your kids are in this position because something tough happened. You may all be in counseling trying to deal with the pain, guilt, sorrow, anger and trauma. Talking about emotions and feelings has become more comfortable, or at least something you’re working on.

You and I are both enforcer and refuge. Disciplinarian and comforter.

I have figured out it’s pretty much impossible to play both roles, so I have had to refine my view of how to approach discipline. Volumes of leather-bound books have been written on every side of the “how to” discipline, but we need to examine the bigger picture first.

Here is what I am learning about disciplining without a spouse:

1 – What you say goes. Your kid doesn’t have anyone else to turn to (maybe even manipulate) when it comes to rules and discipline. Remember the power and finality of your words before you speak them. They can easily build up and teach or tear down and drive away.

2 – Establish clear boundaries, rules, consequences, and expectations. I have lots of room to improve in this area – mainly on the consequence side of things. The consequences I impose on my son for the same action have varied based on the kind of day I had. Not a good strategy. This point deserves more discussion in a future post, but in the meantime I recommend “Boundaries With Kids” by Dr. Henry Cloud – an excellent resource.

[NOTE] In February, 2014 I had the privilege of hearing John Cotton Richmond speak at Donald Miller’s Storyline Conference. He gave an excellent presentation on parenting and the rules in the Richmond household. Keep your eyes open for him and any speaking he does in your community – very inspiring and full of wisdom.

3 – Clear communication maintains the relationship. If we are clear with our kids, set boundaries, and demonstrate love consistently, they will instinctively know we love them even when we have to correct them. Parent after parent confirm this through their life experiences: children want the safety and security of rules and boundaries. My son does not love the correction, but he understands I love him unconditionally so the sting isn’t so bad. I don’t have to turn around and take him out for ice cream after taking away a privilege so he knows I still love him.

I want my son to know I discipline him because I love him and set boundaries with consequences because I want the best for him. That’s the bottom line.

Let’s leave the good cop/bad cop shtick to screenwriters.

What lessons have you learned about disciplining your kids? Leave a comment below.

Do You Know How Much Your Kid Hurts?

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Few people can make you laugh and think as much as Jon Acuff.

I have seen Jon speak live twice (once at Donald Miller’s Storyline conference and once at the ICON Conference), and both times I found myself writing down some hysterical lines and some incredible wisdom.

A lame photo the author took of Jon Acuff on stage at the ICON Conference

At the ICON Conference, he asked the adult crowd if they had celebrated the gift of not being a teen with social media. He went on to explain he had shaved a stripe in his eyebrow to look more like Vanilla Ice when he was in high school.

Not long after, he reminded the audience empathy was not just understanding what someone needs, but acting on it.

Last week, Jon wrote a blog post and it took my breath away. You can read it now or after you finish this short post, but do read it. Especially if you have primary custody of your kids.

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My son lives with me between 41 and 43 weeks of the year. That means he lives away from his mom the same number of weeks.

When I read Jon’s post, I first wondered if he sat next to my son this summer and got the age wrong or altered it to protect privacy.

Then I wondered if my son cries on his flights between our two homes. Next, I wondered if I showed him either empathy or sympathy for the pain he endures being split between two parents he loves.

He and I have a solid relationship, but I could always do more to make sure he knows I love him and do not want him to ever feel badly about missing his mom or wanting to be with her.

Jon spoke the truth – divorce causes extraordinary pain, and as dads we need the reminder…especially when we have custody.

Finding Balance As A Single Dad

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A few weeks ago I wrote about the idea of recharging…especially during a time when you may not have your kids in your custody. For me, I have those times up to 10 weeks of the year, with summertime being the longest stretch of eight weeks.

The first time I had an extended time away from my son, my reactions were easy to anticipate – fear, anger, sadness. You know, the unpleasant emotions. I was sending my son across the country to spend the summer with my ex. The wounds of divorce and the pangs of guilt were fresh.

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Over time, the sting of those negative emotions has diminished and been replaced with the realization about how much cooking, cleaning and laundry I do when my son is with me! So, the “new normal” of a long stretch of time without my son has become familiar and far less stressful.

If you have similar circumstances or have a 5-2-2-5 or every-other-week custody arrangement, what do you do with those long stretches of time without your kids? How do you recharge and stay healthy so you are ready to be the single parent again?

Just over a year ago, I began a journey to help me better understand how to approach life in a healthy way. Long story short, I began a mentoring relationship with a remarkable man after we met at Donald Miller’s Storyline Conference in San Diego in 2014.

Wes is the founder and Chief Creative Officer of Leadership Design Group – an organization focused on developing men to view life in a balanced and multi-dimensional way.

You can check out their website for more detail, but I love the way LDG challenges us to look at our lives in eight dimensions and encourages us to seek a healthy balance between each of them.

8 Dimensions_Octagon_(c) So, for a start, look at the detailed descriptions of a healthy, balanced life (see the detailed description on their website when you put your cursor over each symbol). If you are like me, you can pretty quickly determine where you need to spend some time recharging/reorienting/repurposing.

For me, I needed to focus on the physical aspect, and I spent some time dialing in my diet and attempting to exercise consistently. Physical fitness helped me parent better.

Taking a few minutes to look at the dimensions and asking yourself what needs some attention is a great first step to recharging and preparing to be the best parent possible.

So, take a minute and do it now. And maybe consider what it could look like to have a mentor in your life…maybe an older, wiser dad or single dad.

Which of the eight dimensions could use some attention today? What simple steps could you take to address an imbalance?

“Ts” Of Single Fatherhood – Therapy

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In the early days of original programming on Comedy Central, Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist told the story of a neurotic therapist, his neurotic son, and lots of guest stars with multiple neuroses.

Way before Dr. Katz was the old-school Bob Newhart Show full of great characters and stories from the therapist’s couch way beyond my comprehension.

Even Tony Soprano went to a psychiatrist and the show got all Freudian on us at times.

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Well, put all those characters, generalizations, and preconceived notions of therapy aside and consider the following – as a single dad, some kind of therapy may be in your future!

Given your position in life, you may have already been to a counselor for something associated with the departure of your kids’ mother whether it came from death, divorce or separation. And you probably did not see anyone quite like Dr. Katz.

Instead, you probably saw a licensed therapist, counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist who helped you process things – like emotions – many guys struggle with. You might have also gotten some tools to help you deal with those emotions and gotten some real value out of your investment of time. While I have not finished the book yet, you should check out Donald Miller’s new book, “Scary Close” which explores these issues – what I have read so far is excellent.

For our kids, therapy can have great value. Maybe a therapist gives you tools to help you play with, talk to, relate to, or better nurture your kids. Maybe a therapist can serve as the trusted person your kid can talk to about the loss they experience. Maybe a psychiatrist can assist in dealing with neurological/biological issues affecting your kid’s mental health.

In short, we have many tools at our disposal as single dads, and these professionals can, and often should, play a part in our lives. If you have already seen one, you know the value quality therapy delivers.

If you have not, consider going to one specializing in family/children to do nothing more than check in and talk about your single parenting experience and some of your concerns and frustrations. You might get some of those parenting tools, enhance your effectiveness, and bring greater emotional health to you and the kiddos.

If you do not know where to find one, ask another single parent, your attorney, or a leader at your church.

In short, do not let preconceived notions keep you from utilizing a potentially powerful tool to improve your parenting and your kids’ emotional health.

What was the most effective or impactful parenting tool or lesson you got from a therapist?

What Every Single Dad Needs To Know About Discipline

FULL-TIME DAD

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