Maybe the guilt overwhelmed me.
Perhaps I thought it would demonstrate how much I loved my son.
More likely, I just did not thinking through the ramifications of my actions and stuck to my routine.
My crime? Giving him coffee in his sippy cup? No.
I did way too much for him. Even when he turned 10, I continued to make his breakfast, make his lunch, get up to check on him in the middle of the night when he called, strip his bed, pick up his clothes, prep his backpack for school. I just did it all with no regard for how it would affect him.
He was six when I got residential custody and I carried out my parental duties without complaint and got into my routine. But as he got older, I did a poor job of establishing chores and duties for him to carry out. I just kept doing it all. For four years.
The result…I enabled him to stay a six-year-old. I prevented him from taking responsibility. I probably lowered his self-esteem. I kept him dependent on me. Yes, those all sound like psychobabble and way too touchy-feely, but evidence suggests they are accurate.
Shortly after my remarriage and moving in to the new, blended household, my wife pointed out this reality. While hard for me to do, I have given up some of my “responsibilities” and transferred them to my son. Oddly, he rarely wakes me up at night for a 2 am backscratch. He enjoys making his own lunch and needs only minimal help with food preparation. He demonstrates a remarkable ability to fill up his own water bottle and get his football gear together for practice.
As a single dad, my default setting was to do everything for my son. I wanted to nurture him and make him feel safe and cared for. Instead, I allowed him to depend on me and did not encourage him to grow in many areas he could have.
I stick beside my admonition to maintain a bedtime routine and pour yourself into your kids. But as a single dad, you have a lot on your plate already…do not keep them from maturing because you forgot they are growing up.
What do you still do for your kids that they are perfectly capable of doing?
This was a very interesting read to me as I am your wife in this story and my wife is you! She has a ten year old son and did exactly the same. It’s through love and closeness and a desire to be the best you can for them. It’s all from a good place and can be hard to see from the inside. I’m glad to hear he’s enjoying his new responsibilities. My step son sure does too. A good post and I look forward to reading more.
Al
Yes, it was all from a good place. But also can be from a place of guilt, which was certainly a significant part of my story.