When will my kids be ready for me to date again?

Several months after my divorce, my son and I took one of our routine trips to the zoo.  I bought a membership to the Phoenix Zoo because I could take up to three kids, and my son always enjoyed having friends go with him.

But on this particular Saturday, only he and I went.  And as we entered the Savanna, teaming with giraffes and zebras, he asked if mom and I would get married again.

Photo by Jason

No matter the circumstance of the divorce and the feelings your ex may stir up inside, having an innocent child ask this question in hopes of the family reuniting and returning to the “old normal” can really turn on the guilt (and sympathy for your kid).

I stared at the giraffe for a few seconds, giving me time to could come up with a wise and comforting answer.

“No, buddy.  We won’t get married again.  Look!  Do you think that poop is from a giraffe or a zebra?”

Not exactly Dr. Phil, but I figured it best to answer and quickly divert.  It worked.

My son had asked the same question several times over the preceding months.  I answered in a similar fashion, trying to be consistent and empathetic: following up the statement with a touch or a hug.

My son (and, frankly, I) had more healing to do before contemplating dating.  Here are a few of those thoughts specifically related to my son:

• He did not need to know if and when I decided to date.  This may be a function of your kid’s age and maturity, but I saw no reason to bring my son into my dating life.  If I had a date, he had a sitter and just knew dad was going out.  I did not provide details unless he asked, and then I told him I was having dinner with someone he did not know.  Usually, the conversation ended there.
• When one date turned into multiple dates, I continued to keep it quiet.  Someone gave me some great advice…do not introduce your kid to someone you date (or their kids) until well into the relationship because if it ends, your kid may go through the equivalent of another divorce.  It is possible to have them meet and interact, even on a regular basis, but keep the relationship platonic in front of the kids.  The thrill of dating, especially when it begins to get more serious, can make you want to bring your kid into the relationship to check compatibility and just enjoy everyone being together.  But be sensitive to how your kid will react if it ends – another loss.
• He needed me to be continue being a dad.  Enjoy dating, but be sure to set aside one-on-one time with your kid every day and make him a top priority.

How have your kids reacted to you dating or getting remarried?  What did you do to break the news?